Forgive Me Father- On Hiatus

Round 3,4,5

Before Eric left, he'd asked me why I was so pressed about Justice, and I gave him answers he'd probably expected; her pussy was too good, shorty was bad, but what I wouldn't tell him about was the pull she had on me. That night at the club, something drew me in to her with a force I couldn't ignore. Just like I had told her, I didn't usually approach to fuck but the way she was looking at me and the voice I heard telling me to not pass her up, I had to.

Only thing is, now that I have, something was telling me I couldn't let go. Not only would she save me, but I would save her too along the way. Her past was troubled, I could tell that just by looking at her and after we had sex, I could tell even more. Our souls were now connected, a tie bonded for life..

If I could help it.

Sighing, I pushed up from the couch, cutting off the TV and lights along the way to my room.

I wanted to get her off my mind but before I could do that, I know I needed to figure out why she was there in the first place.

On bended knee, I bowed my head at the foot of my bed..a place I kneeled daily, and started a prayer to hopefully ease my mind.

"God in heaven, I come to you for peace and understanding. Whatever it is you want me to see, whatever it is you want me to do, I'll do it. I just ask for guidance Lord, help me to do your deed as you see fit. I give myself to you, for you to use me in your will and since I know I shouldn't question I ask that you give me a sign, something to show this is your doing Father. In Jesus name I pray, amen."

I stayed that way for a few minutes longer, basking in the silence to allow a peace to overcome my being. I had been thinking about this woman all day and was ready to focus on something else if I couldn't have her.

'Patience'

My head sprung up at the voice I heard clear as day. Left and right, then behind me I looked tryna find who the voice belonged to but of course.. No one was there.

Not in the physical form.

It had been awhile since I'd heard Him speak to me so clearly but the sudden relief let me know it was Him.

Finding the assurance I was looking for; I stood, grabbing the spiral I kept on my nightstand before climbing on the bed. Lying flat on my back, I picked up my phone, going to my playlist of instrumentals and picking the latest one I'd been working on.

Praying, writing music, and sex were all ways I used to relieve my stress; I mean, sure a nigga sipped drank but it was never to get drunk or bury a problem just to revisit it later. I didn't smoke, shit just wasn't for everybody--but to each its own.

Up until I admitted my addiction to sex and decided to start my journey in faith, I had frequently found comfort in sexual form. Girl after girl, lay after lay, ties were bonded and I found myself worse off than I'd started and often carrying the emotions my partners carried. Whether it was happiness, sadness, anger; I felt them all..all but peace and joy.

My counselor asked what I felt was the difference between being happy and being joyous, and it was my inability to answer that question that made me sit back and reevaluate what I was truly doing it for.

My answer, happiness.

I knew from growing up, spending so much time with my grumma, that I couldn't have joy without God and at that point I was content with the small amount of happiness I held inside.

Years later I finally decided to get right, I knew my walk wouldn't be flawless but my biggest accomplishment was giving up sex. I had been on a six month spree of no sex, but that damn Justice came and changed it all. That was another reason I was so pressed over the girl, all the pussy I passed up and here she comes making me forget all about the promise to myself. It was why a lot of the chicks in the club stared with green eyes, envious that someone had gained my attention.. The attention they've been trying so hard for these past several months to gain, but had failed.