Stay

5

I'm not sure how long I sat on that couch, but a darkness had filled the room, indicating that it was now late in the night. I hadn't moved since Alex left. My arms were tightly hugging my body, the blanket he gave me pulled around me and the hot chocolate on the table long cold. 

I just sat there. My mind was filled to a brim with all these thoughts that just wouldn't go away. My eyes were a sahara desert, completely dry of any tears that were once there. And my heart - my heart was lonely. It was calling for someone to come put it back together again - for someone to fix it. 

But there was no one there. And it killed me. Alex was gone. He left me and I understood why. I was an awful person. I was doing something that I was always so against. I was changed. I get that. Man, did I ever get that. 

And Melanie. I messed that up too. I didn't blame her for walking out on me. She was just trying to be a good friend. She just wanted me to be happy. She was just looking out for me. 

Then there's Blake. I miss him. I know what we have isn't right. I know what we are doing would tear Carol apart, but I just can't stop it. I just can't throw 8 months away. There is something about Blake. He makes me feel like I am on top of the world. And I don't ever want to lose that. 

So what do I do? Do I lose 2 amazing friends for the guy that I love? Or do I lose the guy I love for two amazing friends? This is where I am torn. Everything in me is telling me to go after my friends, tell them they are right and scream apologizes in their faces until they forgive me. 

Well, not everything. Another part of me is telling me that I need to stay with Blake - that I love Blake. It's burning me alive that I am not with him right now. That part of me has a hold on me that is too tight to fight off. 

I just don't know what to do. 

What's wrong with me?

The answer is so obvious. Go to my friends. That should be the clear choice. Yet, here I sit. Here I sit, contemplating these choices when I should be running after Alex and Melanie right now. 

Am I really willingly to throw away years of friendship for some guy? And a married man at that? 

This isn't right. This isn't who I am. Alex is right. I shouldn't be doing this. I need to end this now. 

Yet, I can't seem to pick up that phone to say those words to Blake. I don't want to end this. I want this to continue. I want him to leave Carol and forever be in my arms. I want to forever be in his. I know this. 

Why is this so Goddamn difficult?

It's in this moment that the chime from Alex's grandfather clock knocks me out of my thoughts. It's 10pm now. I really need to get going. I am sure Alexander doesn't want me here when he gets back. 

So, I pick myself up off of the couch, go to the bathroom and change back into my still damp clothes. I call a cab and go to leave Alex's apartment, but a pen and pad of paper grab my attention. I quickly leave him a small note that I hope he will read. 

I'm sorry I disappointed you. 

But I'm not ready to leave him yet. 

- Claire

I then make the trip down the hallway to the elevator, silently wishing Alex was here so he could make the pain in me go away. 

But I wrecked that, didn't I?

*****

I don't remember getting home, but somehow I am standing in my entryway - leaning against the cold door with an excited Sasha jumping at me. Despite everything, I can always count on her to return some light to my darkness. I bend down to her and lift her into my arms, cuddling her like my life depends on it. In some ways, it does.