The Arranged Boyfriend Project

Day 7 || Confession: Dating Godzilla

Hej, this is Mattias Hermansson, sometimes known as Not Ash, That Other One.

I've featured in a handful of ThatHoneyMoonFiasco's vlogs over the last year, but surprisingly people still don't really recognise me. Best I get is, "How do you pronounce your name?" and I'm like, "Just try sneezing."

Actually, Ash got stopped in the street by a fan once, and that was really awkward for me because here I am trying to make a living off script-writing for indie films and instead my best mate's soaking up all the fame for basically talking out his arse on YouTube. If you've never stumbled upon his YouTube channel and want to spend 15 minutes listening to him talk about 90s anime superpowers and why cats are tiny demons, honestly, subscribe to his channel and never miss another vital topic.

But that's just the kind of guy he is. It's almost hard not to fall in love with him (behave, I'm speaking figuratively), to the extent that even the Internet trolls are pretty kind.

That's enough about that though. Except I don't get along that well with recording, for one. If you were around for the last episode, yes -- that bone-clattering crash at the end of the video was the part when I realised I probably owe Ash a new tripod. So it's best that I stick to writing this down and I'll type it up when I'm feeling like less to technology what Godzilla was to Japan.

Anyway, I've scanned in a copy of the scoring chart I made. Take a look if you like. I've uploaded it just in case.

(Actually, I really just wanted to prove I'm not a 100% technophobe.)

Now, there is that part at the bottom that says I should probably discuss why I've picked the scores I have.

I'm not sure how Ash went about this part, or if he shrugged and said, "I just circled at random... Because circles."

I guess I'll have to wait to find out. But, on the contrary, I did actually put a bit of thought into this. If 1 is "complete stranger" and 10 would be the girl I love back home, Ash is honestly sitting at a 2. It sounds kinda harsh when I put it into perspective...

But to totally misquote Ash, there's too much pepperoni going on my pizza here.

A hug on the sofa is one thing. Intimacy is a whole other world away for me, I'm afraid. Like... astronomers have charted Neptune in closer orbit than where Ash-and-Matti-Sexytime-Land is right now.

Dodgy analogies aside, I can't say for sure how much of that score is tainted by the fact I'm admittedly still pining for Carolin. I know it's kinda tragic, and I know it's been two years since we split, but she's my soul mate. No doubt about it. So, sorry Ash, when you read this. The 2 isn't personal.

I guess the 6 for confiding isn't exactly flattering either. I suppose it just isn't in my nature to make a big deal of things, so it's not that I don't want to confide in him, it's just that keeping things to myself takes out the awkward questions. I know. Really bad advice. But don't take a leaf out of my book. Apparently I have something of a reputation for not mentioning important details.

Like the time my date's parents only found out I'm a vegetarian after I turned up to their family barbecue.

But anyway... As for falling in love with Ash, is it mean I put a 2 for that too? It's only been five days by this point, and while I can sort of sense things between us are a little different now we're living together, I don't realistically think it's any kind of blossoming romance. Either that, or I'm just oblivious to it, which is also likely.

Given enough time, I suppose if I was "arranged" with him long enough, I might grow connected with him on a companionship level, but for now I'll just continue looking in the opposite direction whenever he's fresh out of the shower with just a towel on.

Man is that uncomfortable.

I can't really explain it, because I never had a problem with him skipping around in his smalls when we shared at house at university. Difference is that back then that was just Ash skipping around in his smalls. Now it's my boyfriend. Who I share a bed with. At night. Just me. Alone. On my own. With not much between us.

Don't know if you can tell, but it kinda weirds me out a little.

I can't say I've ever looked at him that way. But honestly? He's a good-looking guy. I can appreciate his aesthetic, sure. That's easy. I did even go through a phase when I was in my teens when I questioned myself based on guys sometimes being able to draw my eye, but who doesn't? Doesn't mean I'm 100% cool with my best mate prancing starkers two-feet from my face in a morning, but hey. Gotta love him. 78,000 other people do too, apparently.

I hope that answers the question about whether or not I've ever crushed on a guy without having to exactly spell it out. I mean, my parents know I write on the internet, after all. Could do without that being a dinner topic.

Doesn't mean me being with a dude could never happen, which is why I'm going along with the Arranged Boyfriend Experiment in the first place. Hey, it can't be said I'm not open-minded. But with Ash? More chance of two Wednesdays in a week.

Null hypothesis, my friend. Null. Hypothesis.

~ Matti