Shades Of Cool: Noorhelm

Willam and Noora: 9

SONG REC FOR THIS CH: Medicine, Daughter
TRIGGER WARNING : mention of death

Sometimes life
throws things at you
you don't expect
that you can't handle
the kind
that makes you freeze up inside.
You feel like,
you can't move
you can't breathe.
That no matter what anyone says
You will not,
be okay.
That there's this space
there's this...
portion of you that's completely
and utterly
empty now.
Where they once lived
your love for them
their memories
nestled in that place.
They breathed in your air
took your life
and made it theirs.
Every time
you remember
what was
what won't ever be in the future
a little part of that place
dies

•
•
•
"Noora? Noora?" Eva's voice was urgent in my ear, but I couldn't hear her.
It felt like someone had stuck their hand in my chest
and ripped out my heart
like my bones were caving in
and I would go along with it
until there was nothing left of me
an infinite
black hole.
My ears had been stuffed with cotton, and my eyes replaced with those of the dead.
My feet couldn't carry me
my lips could not move
my lips
my lips
his lips
the ones
i would never again
kiss.
His eyes would never see me again
He'd never think another thought of me again
Our lips would never meet
Tongues never touch
He would never see me in a white dress
smiling just for him.
Everything suddenly disappeared
everything that was planned
everything that I had hoped for
everything I had worked so hard
to obtain
was gone
our love
disappeared into thin air.
all with one word.
dead.
car crash.
drunk driver.
nothing he could've done.
With each string of letters
our love
was chipped apart
and crushed under the boot of the universe
so desperately
trying to punish me
for something
i don't remember doing.
William.
This had to be a mistake.
He would come home.
He would,
right?
Just a few days ago
all we could talk about
was the future.
A future that doesn't exist anymore.

"I hope our children have your face, exactly." He'd said, pulling me closer to him. I chuckled and kissed his shoulder. "Why?" He grinned slightly, moving my hair behind my ear. "Because you're perfect." I roll my eyes. "You really are." I shake my head. "I hope our children are as strong as you are." He grins again. "And as devastatingly good looking?" I laughed, looking him in the eyes. "When we have children, we will live in a big house by the water where there are no bad memories, and nothing that can hurt them." My cheeks flush. "You realize it'll be years until we have children?" I raise a brow. He shrugs. "Years go by quickly."

But nothing happened as quickly as this did.
As quickly as everything was ripped away from me.
We didn't even get the quick years,
let alone the ones that drag on.
We didn't get bad times.
We didn't get good times.
We didn't get anything together.
We got nothing.
If I could feel his touch just once more.

"You and William... You never touch." Eva remarked, biting into an apple. "Yes we do." I defended. She shook her head. "You never touch... Carelessly. You touch how everyone should. You touch when it means something."

She was right, and I yearned for the careless touches now. The ones I wouldn't ever get a chance to enjoy. The ones I lost all in the moment of never having them in the first place.
William
was like an anchor.
Grounded
never stirring
never able to be rocked.
Nothing ever got to him,
nothing ever changed his calm expression.
I imagine him
looking the imagine of
stone
lying in a morgue somewhere
covered in a white cloth
to protect the man
that never needed
protecting.
I was the only family he had.
How am I supposed to bear this?
How am I supposed to tell the people
who pretended to care for him
who pretended to share his flesh and blood
that his was now dried and rotting
that he would never look at them with hate again
that he would never look at anyone again.
William was gone.
William barely had time
I didn't have time
to show him how much I loved him.
I never broke open
I never showed how much I cared.
How much I needed him.
I thought I would have more time
I thought I would have more chances.
I thought
I
Would
Have
Him
Longer.
I couldn't wish for forever.
No one gets forever.
I wanted even the moments
when we felt there was nothing to say
when we felt there was everything to say
where all their was was anger
I wanted
another chance.
I didn't understand
that you can lose
what isn't yours.
I didn't posses William
I held pieces of him
within me.
The pieces I liked
The pieces I didn't
There was no choosing
I got what he gave.
He gave me everything.
He gave me a future.
He gave me a choice.
He gave me
the reality
of never alone.
My whole life
I'd been alone.
I was surrounded by people
who didn't know the first thing about me.
But then I found my friends.
My roommates.
I found William
The one that I was supposed
to get forever with.
But everyone loses something in their life
their motivation
their love
their compassion
their hope.
but i lost
the worst thing of all.
i lost
the person that gave that all to me
because I didn't know
how to give it
to myself.
and i did the worst thing of all.
i never
gave any
of it back.
and now
i will never
have the chance.

Eva's arms caught me, before my head could hit the cold sterile tile floor.
Even's arms
hoisted me up
Vildes coat
warmed my shoulders
Sanas prayers
changed my future
Chris's concern
insisted pain
but Williams love
gave me
everything.
now,
as everyone was concerned with the state of my living,
I could only think,
about who was dead.
And about how badly,
I wished
I was
too.

xoxo
mena