Pieces of a Woman

7

I tuck Aaliyah safely into my side as we walk down the street. I'm not sure if i want to go home or to the hospital to stay with granny, I decide there are things I should get from the house. I absentmindedly head north on the boulevard towards our apartment, without registering my surroundings. I feel dicnnected from all of this, I can usually see the beauty in my city; the graffitied buildings with murals of civil rights leaders. Little girls jumping rope in front of their homes or boys riding up and down their blocks on bicycles. But today, I felt sick of it all. How could people paint when my granny is dying? How can these kids be so happy when Aaliyah may never get the childhood she deserves?
I'm relieved when we arrive at our home, the bright sun was beginning to get intrusive upon my dark thoughts and I wanted nothing more to feel on the outside how I feel on the inside. Aaliyah seems tired from all the walking so I take her in the room and put her down for a nap. Then I am alone with my thoughts and I begin to wallow in them. I think about Aaliyah. How her childhood was interrupted by circumstances that she could not control. It's funny how children are completely dependant upon someone else. I dont think people think about this when they bring babies in the world.
I'm reminded of the pregnant teeanager at the church. Does she know that she carries a living, breathing, being inside of her that will be helpless and in need of constant protection and care? Does she care? Will she? Did my mother care when she left us? Did she care when she had us? You can't just stop caring for something you once loved because it began to be inconvenient for you to love them. How could she abandon us? I break into hysterics and I let myself crumble. I curl into the fetal position and cry. I cry for my grandmother, I cry for Aaliyah and for my mother. I cry for everything that is lost and everything that could have been or ever will be. I cry for our situation and I dont stop until I have no tears left. Now I am all hiccups and tearless wails and the sky outside matches my sadness. It thunders and the boom must have jolted Aaliyah awake because before long she is curled up beside me.
"I miss grammy." she whines as she touches my face. I glance out the window and figure it'll be dark soon, especially if it rains.
"You wanna go see her?" She brightens at the idea and I loose a smile.
I rise from the couch and head into the bedroom to find a bag. I pull out a pink knapsack from the closet and sigh. This was moms. Unable to stomach the sight of it, I shove it back into the closet and pull out an old brown sack. Better, I think as I fill it up with essentials for granny like her favorite perfume and hair stuff so i can keep her hair braided. I even throw in a few of her favorite cross word puzzles. I then do the same for Me and Aaliyah and soon we're out the door.
***

At the hospital, I walk straight up to granny's room to find her awake for the first time since she got here. Aaliyah rushes to granny's side and climbs into the bed with her. They take turns kissing each other's cheeks and I laugh as Aaliyah smothers her entire face into granny's neck. Then granny turns to me and gestures for me to sit next to her. I sit down and begin talking first to avoid hearing what she has to say.
"I got you some stuff from the house granny, some perfume and look your favorites." I say as I take her crossword puzzles out of the bag and wave them in the air. She smiles sweetly and thanks me.
"I got your hair stuff, do you want me to redo your braids? they got a little frazzled during the ride here." I look around with absentminded disgust as I gesture towards the hospital.
"No Alicia my hair is fine." She assures me. I don't give her time to change the subject.
"Are you hungry? What did they feed you? I know you hate hospital food." I fire at her rapidly.
"No I'm not hungry and the food here is just fine thank you." She stops and I know she's waiting to see if I'm done with my distractions. I'm not.
"Did you see your doctor granny? he is so hot, and has the cutest little mole just above his eyelashes. And I don't think I saw a wedding ri-"
"Alicia!" she interrupts me. I lower my head because I know my time is up. Hopefully that last little comment will get her started on the "sin called lust" lecture that I'd be happy to listen to right now. But it doesn't.
"Alicia, ignoring it does not make it go away. Trust me I know," She says this last part weakly and it catches my attention, as she knew it would.
"What do you mean?" I inquire.
"I've spent a long time ignoring things baby, and none of them ever went way," she explains but I'm still confused. I want to think she's just doing that thing old people do when they're trying to sound wise but she says this with so much regret in her tone that I think she's being literal.
"What have you ignored Grandma?" I'm sick before she even opens her mouth because I know the answer.
"I knew I was diseased a long time ago." My face twists with anger and I stand from my seat.
"How long?" I spit at her unintentionally harsh.
"Since I left the church," she speaks lowly.
"Grandma.. how could you.. Why didn't you get help or say anything?" I'm no longer angry, just confused.
"If I had said something it would not have made a difference Alicia. We can't afford treatment and I prayed that I would get better. And I believed that I would baby. A while passed and everything was much the same, but things got worse. I figured that at this point, it was AIDS. But that was around the time that your mother disappeared. So what could I do? If I sought help what would happen to you two?" She gestures towards me and Aaliyah.
"So you suffer in silence?" I choke out. "Why didn't you at least tell me so that I could be prepared?" I question her.
"I never intended for you to weather this alone Alicia, your mother was supposed to be here when it came to this. And when she left I couldn't bare to tell you... you already had so much to deal with..." she trails off and begins to cough. I have so many questions but she seems too tired to give me the answers I need. I call for the nurse when her coughing worsens and I sit back with my face buried in Aaliyah's stomach as she rubs my head comfortingly. Together we watch our anchor wilt away as a nurse offers the only aid she can to her ailing health and puts her back to sleep.