Pieces of a Woman

8

When I awake the next day, My grandmother is watching us. I look at her and stare and for a minute that's all we do. I'm not sure what she's doing or thinking but I know I'm just trying to remember every inch of her face. I start at her hair; soft grey, 7 parts makes 8 braids, down her neck and bunched into curls at the bottoms. I move to her forehead; deep brown and red underneath one or two wrinkles near her brows. It's easy to forget that she's only in her mid-fifties with her ailing health. Next is her eyebrows; thick and jet black, smoothly laid against her forehead resting just above her beautiful brown eyes. My resolve almost crumbles when I get to her eyes. They're already deep into mine and I almost avert my gaze under the intensity. But I stop myself, her eyes are most important to remember. Big and brown and soft, with a thick curtain of lashes to cast shadows across her cheekbones. Her cheekbones. High and round and her most prominent feature when she finds it in her to smile.
Her nose was wide and thick, almost sturdy-like. And lastly, her lips were full and dominated the bottom half of her face. The most beautiful sight was to see her curl her lip back and lift her cheekbones to reveal crooked white teeth in an effort to smile. Her and my mother looked identical when they smiled. A minute passed before I realized I was staring at the floor and the linoleum beneath me was wet with my tears.
"Alicia," My grandmother whispered. I lifted my head to look at her.
"Yes grammy," I whispered back through sniffles.
"Talk to me, what's on your mind?"
"Questions." I answered.
"I might not have answers but you can still ask them," she mused.
"Why did you let yourself die? We could have done something! Why did you choose to leave us," No more secrets Granny.
"Alicia I've done some... terrible things and made some terrible decisions in my time. And I've had to deal with the aftermath of that. For the most part, I can say that I lived a good life. A life that maybe I didn't deserve to have. I have accepted this as final penance for the unholy way that I lived for so long. Although I spent twice as long trying to make it right, I know in my heart that God don't make mistakes. I loved my kids, all of them," she says looking away. I assume she's referring to me and Aaliyah. "I've accepted this Alicia." She finishes up.
"Well I don't accept this granny. You chose to leave us just like mom and I don't accept that," I whisper this softly, not wanting to become hysterical.
"I don't expect you to understand my decisions Alicia, you're still youn-"
"Don't you dare act like my age is the cause for my confusion, grandma this is crazy! You practically committed suicide because you thought God wanted you to!" At that moment, Sister Sarah walks through the door. She catches sight of my grandmother and her lip quivers. She rushes to her side and kisses her forehead as she takes my grandmother's hands in hers. "Sister"' is all Sarah manages to say and it seems to be enough as my grandmother closes her eyes in either sorrow or contentment. I sniffle and wipe my eyes and Sarah notices.
Sarah whispers something in her ear and my grandmother shakes her head. Sarah seems disappointed by this and lowers her gaze. I want to know what the interaction was about but I've had enough for the morning and decide to wake Aaliyah. She wakes up instantly and looks around. Seeing Sarah standing next to my Grandmothers bed, she rushes over to be in between two of her favorite people. After a brief embrace, I call Aaliyah back over to me so that we can get ready to leave.
"Where are you guys going?" Sarah asks.
"To the apartment, so we can eat and freshen up," I call back to her.
"Wait a few minutes and I'll treat you guys to lunch and we'll walk back to your place together." The offer seemed strange, Sarah never really did anything outside of the church.
"Umm ok sure Sarah," I respond. My grandmother seems to be worried about something so I go up to her and kiss her cheek.
"Don't worry gandma we'll be back." I assure her.
"Sure, sure," she says as she waves me off. I step outside of the room, expecting Sarah to be close behind me but she trails behind a little.
"She should know, Alice," I hear Sarah say to my grandmother harshly, but in a hushed tone.
"Just promise you'll wait for me Sarah," my grandmother replies weakly. Sarah doesn't respond, or at least not audibly. When she walks out, she sees us and smiles but I can tell that something is off. She reaches across and grabs my hand and the three of us leave the hospital together.