Pieces of a Woman

9

My mind races with all the new information. I mean, how am I supposed to feel about all of this? Aaliyah and I will be left alone and my grandmother chose this fate for us. She has AIDS for crying out loud, how does a nun get AIDS in the first place. I know about her troubling past but would it have taken this long for it to catch up to her? Not to mention, my mother is gone and I have no idea where she went or if she is even still alive sadly. And with our new social worker, me and Aaliyah might not be together for very long.
It's all so terribly overwhelming and part of me hasn't even processed it all. I feel like I need a moment just to breathe. But Sister Sarah doesn't seem to want to me to as she stares at me from across the table, I know she's going to want to talk.
"So, how are you feeling?" she starts.
"Fine sister thanks for asking," I reply out of habit.
"You don't have to be fine anymore Alicia, it's okay to talk to me now," she says as she touches my hand and looks at me intently.
"Sarah, I don't know how I am to be honest with you. I feel like a speck of dust in a sea of madness you know? It's like, I'm drowning too but I'm too small and nobody notices. They're all too busy trying to save themselves." I finally express. Sarah sighs and shakes her head.
"I know all to well what you mean honey." She says and I catch something in her tone that makes me curious. There is something in her eyes that I hadn't seen there before and suddenly I realize that I don't know that much about Sister Sarah.
"Do you?" I inquire as an invitation for her to continue.
"I do." She hesitates and then continues, haphazardly at first. "I'm from a really small town Alicia. Small and very religious. Majority of the people there were... Pagan. My family and myself included. The things that they did there, their beliefs honey.." she shivers. "It was no place for a young girl to grow up. My father had seven wives and twenty-five children," she looks down and closes her eyes, as if the shame is hers to carry. I attempt to comfort her by stroking her hand lightly.
"They held the belief that the bloodline needed to remain clean, and that women should begin to reproduce for THEM as young as possible.. I was to be married to my uncle the day I turned sixteen," I gasped and covered my hand with my mouth.
"Sarah that's awful," I choke out through my disbelief. "Did anyone say anything?! Your mother, anyone?" I ask her.
"How could they? The women had no rights Alicia. So many of them were battered and brain-washed into believing that this was right. And the ones that knew it was wrong were too afraid to speak up. I was helpless. And I felt it too. I felt alot how you feel right now. Like I was drowning and everyone was too afraid to help me," she concludes.
"So what did you do?" I'm even more curious now.
"I helped myself and ran away," she answers.
"Where?" I ask excitedly.
"Here. I changed my name and I became a nun. I didn't join the church just because I wanted to do good although that was true, I was hiding, Alicia," she reveals.
"But why? It's not like they were going to follow you... Is it?"
"They don't like it so much when people leave you see, incest is illegal and so is poligamy.. If I wanted to expose them I could have. I was a threat and so they hunted me down but the church protected me."
"So why didn't you expose them?"
"I never really had the courage to" she whispers sadly as she traces the lines on our table.
"Why?" I ask her just as quietly.
"My family, my sisters and brothers and my mother was still there.. how could I betray them? or at least that's what I told myself. But in reality, I was selfish. I didn't want to risk being caught and sucked back into the life. So I said nothing."
"Wow, I had no idea you had been through so much sister," I marvel.
"I've spent a lifetime repenting for my selfish behavior and I swore to my God and to myself that I would never let people hurt out of cowardice again..." she fades off. "Do you still have that lunch pale I gave you?" she asks as she avoids my eyes, pulling me out of her world and back into mine. Before I can answer, our waiter appears with our food. I cut up Aaliyah's pancakes for her and then decide to answer Sister Sarah as she watches me carefully.
"Yes, my old lunch box, I have it."
"Mhm," she responds oddly. "And did you open it?" another strange question.
"No.. I haven't I've been all tied up," I say before shoving a piece of bacon into my mouth.
"Okay," she says, looking both relieved and worried.
"Why? What's in there?" with another piece of bacon in my mouth.
"I'm not exactly sure," she lifts her brows. "Could be answers, and it could be more questions," she says. When she catches sight of my uneasy stare she grabs my hand reassuringly. "Oh honey, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, remember that God has you both in his hands and as long as you trust in Him, everything will work out," she recites in her nun's voice.
I nod but her words are no consolation to me, I'm not even religious. We finish up our meal in silence and when we leave, everything seems a little different. I try to imagine the world with new eyes, hoping maybe I can see an out to my ugly situation. "I helped myself," I hear Sarah saying. I'm not exactly sure what she was conveying during the story of her past life, but it seemed like more of an explanation than advice. Then suddenly, I am reminded of Isaiah asking me to "help him help us". And I suppose, looking for other family couldn't hurt us anymore than we're already hurting.