Somewhere Around My Orbit

i'm not sorry for the things i said when you broke my heart

you didn't give me a warning before you broke my heart. you didn't call me and say, "hey, i'm sorry but i'm going to break your heart today." maybe i shouldn't have been so careless by wearing my heart on my sleeve or maybe i wore it on my forehead, directly in your line of sight.

you hurt me that day. and maybe you didn't dump me in person because you couldn't stand to see me breakdown. or maybe you did it over text because it was quick and easy. and now when i think of it, you probably didn't care at all. but i suppose none of that matters now, anyways. you had your fun with me.

the title of this poem is incorrect. i didn't say anything hurtful to you when you dumped me. but i thought it and it's the thought that counts. i'm not sorry for the things i was thinking. i hated you. but i loved you because that's what happens when you get hurt. you love someone so much that you hate them. at the time, i would have let you hurt me a million times and still keep letting you come back.

falling in love with you made me feel invincible but i also felt vulnerable. i broke down my walls for you, not expecting to have to rebuild them. i felt invincible because you were the fresher air i always wanted. with your hand clasped tightly against mine, i could do anything.

but then, heartbreak came; that sneaky little bitch (am i allowed to curse in my poem?) heartbreak pounded against me at 5 p.m. while i was making macaroni and cheese for my twelve year old brother.

heartbreak wasn't a breaking feeling in my chest. it wasn't a small feeling in my stomach. i couldn't breathe. my lungs decided that they needed to be reminded when to breathe. my air was poisoned with the thought of you and every word you said and i just couldn't breathe. i got fresher air but only for a short amount of time. the air was breathable before you broke my heart, but now it's polluted.

nowadays, i zone out more. i stare into the empty space in front of me trying to hear it's whispers of what i've done to deserve this pain. i've always been sad, i think. but depression was making it's big appearance, wanting to play a dangerous game of hide-n-seek and i was bad at hiding.

nowadays, i' realized that time changes people. but even after all of this time, i still can't fucking get you out of my head. there was someone before me and there is going to be someone after me. i only filled up a few of your blank pages, while you filled the majority of mine.