Temporary

Chapter 14

   The sun illuminates the room this morning, awakening me. In fact, the sun's so bright, I have to shut my eyes and rub them a bit. I remember it's Saturday, and smile like a dork. ''Time to spend time with Dad,'' I whisper to myself. Dad. Did I just call...I did, didn't I?

   I go downstairs, turn the kettle on, grab a granola bar, and sit down at the kitchen table. I'm alone. Father's asleep. So is my Mom. I think. And think. My thinking is interrupted by the sound of the kettle's loud whistle. I pour the hot water into my coffee mug, with a bag of green tea and sugar inside, and think. I think of why just the simple act of compassion such as a smile by Jimmy could make my day. I think of the reason as to why I find him attractive when he's in his 30's. I think I'm attracted to his personality. But I can't say I'm not attracted to his looks. But if I'm supposed to see him as my father, is this alright on my part? I put down the kettle that I've been holding. I mean, technically he's not my biological father, so it's not abnormalcy. It would be abnormal if he was sexually attracted to me, though. I think. He isn't. He wants to be there for me, to have my back and be a friend. There's nothing wrong with having an innocent crush on him.

   I decide to go outside in my pajamas on the front steps to call Jimmy. I don't want to wake my parents. It's quarter of 10. I think this is a good time to call Jimmy. I'm not sure how late he sleeps in, but it's not too early to call. Even if he was sleeping, he wouldn't be mad I called. I nervously dial the number and wait for a welcoming voice.

   It wasn't so bad talking to him after all, he was cool with it. He was already awake, having coffee he said. He told me to meet him at his house at 11. I shower and get dressed in leggings and a grey cardigan with a white lace top underneath. Not much jewelry, though. Light makeup and perfume. I put my hair in a side braid and wear my Converse. I look at my watch. 10:50. I walk downstairs and leave the house, just taking my phone. Within no time, I'm there.

   He let me in and told me I could sit on his couch so we could talk about where we wanted to go. ''Kiddo. How's it going?'' He put his arm on my shoulder. ''Ah, alright.'' He looks at me. ''If you want, we could get some lunch later, but in the meantime, we could spend some time talking and hit Central Park.'' I smile in response. I put my head on his shoulder. He doesn't say anything or moves. He whispers, ''It will be okay. It will be.'' I lift my head up, and hopelessly let out, ''It will never be okay, Jimmy. Ever...'' A tear rolls down his face. ''It will, I will make sure it will be. I will make sure you are safe and doing well. I only can be your teacher for so long, but just because I won't always be your teacher doesn't mean I won't always be your friend.'' There's a meaningful pause. A pause that symbolizes realization, from both parties. ''I didn't think about it that way. Teachers aren't like that with their students. They have their own lives, and families.'' I then forget. He doesn't have a wife or kids. He obviously has a family, but he lives alone. ''I'm not like that. I think about all of my students. But I can't do this to all my students. It's something about you I really like. I feel you need me. I feel you need me to guide you in the right direction.'' I look at him, agreeing. ''I know. I do. It's just, just how long will it last? You're temporary, just like Dylan. Then what?'' He sighs. I can feel his anxiety.

   The mood changes after we start talking about more positive things. ''We should spend some time outside. Let's go to Central Park and explore.'' I spring up from the couch. ''That's the attitude,'' he says. ''I can't believe you're doing this for me, you know.'' He points toward the door. ''Don't worry about it, it will be fun.''

   It's not that chilly out, I remember. It's sunny, which makes it warm while walking. Jimmy is wearing jeans, sneakers, and a grey hoodie. Casual. He smells strong of Irish Spring. I can smell it while we walk. We talk a lot, deep talk too. ''I hope I can take you ice skating,'' he randomly brings up. ''The rinks open up in a few weeks. End of this month.'' I shake my head in approval. ''I have some ice skates. I have Recreational ones.'' I look at him and he looks at me. ''I have some too. I love skating. I can show you some clever moves. Just kidding, I'm no hockey player. We can go to the Rockefeller Center.''

   Hours pass and we've had a good time. Lots of walking and talking. Enjoying the scenery in different parts of the Park. We had lunch at a nearby restaurant. He treated me so well like he knew me, knew me better than my father. I think he knows me better than I do at times. I wish I could always spend this time with Jimmy, and be this happy. When I remember it's only a temporary fix, my heart sinks. ''Enjoy the moment,'' I whisper to myself.

   Jimmy is so goofy and loveable. He's made this day the best I've had in forever. As we're walking, he locks an arm around my shoulder. It's slowly getting dark, and the breeze feels good. I feel secure. This is no romantic relationship between us. It's all fatherly feelings. I feel a sense of protection when he locks an arm around me like he's saying, ''You're with me, and you're safe. There's no harm, no abuse. And we're having a good time.''

   We're still walking, the wind is picking up, blowing my hair in all directions. We see a band playing nearby. They're playing ''Africa'' by Toto. I softly sing, ''I bless the rains down-'' and he cuts me off ''in AFRICA!'' I smile widely and look up. ''I love that song,'' he announces. ''I do too, it's one of my favorites actually. It reminds me of when I was little. I liked the music my parents listened to. And we kinda all got along, you know. It wasn't perfect, but we spent some good times together,'' I explain with emotion. I almost interrupted him, ''My father was much better with his drinking before he lost his job, but it's whatever.'' Jimmy directs me to the wooden bench nearby. ''Sit down,'' he says. We both sit down. ''It's a shame you think it's something regular. It's a shame. It's a shame you're so used to it, honey,'' he says as he puts his arm on my shoulder and looks into my eyes, deeply, and his brows drew together, biting his lower lip. He bit his lip because of his nerves, not in any sexual way. His eyes, not looking normal. His eyes had meaning. His eyes expressed his feelings of concern.

   ''Jimmy, don't stress over me. You know I'm just a student to you, and you shouldn't have to care so much about me. I don't want to get too attached to then just separate eventually, and have to deal with the loss of separation,'' I say, looking into his brown eyes, deeply, with meaning. We're still on the bench, about five minutes away from my house, walking distance. ''I- I don't know what to do. I don't want you to think wrongly of this relationship we have. I just think of you strongly, look out for you. I feel like you need someone to guide you to what's right like I've said before.'' I now put my hand on his shoulder and look him into the eyes. He has his hands placed on his lap. ''Jimmy, it's not me who thinks it's inappropriate, it's others.''  I take my hand off his shoulder. ''I think we should get going, though. I'll walk you home.'' We both get up.

  He walks me to my front door. ''Goodbye Rose,'' he says sweetly. ''Goodbye Jimmy,'' I respond happily. But on the inside, I'm hurting because I'm going back to reality, where the pain and abuse that was promised by Jimmy would be gone, is coming back. I mean he didn't promise it literally, but by the way he treats me and comforts me, the pain and abuse seem gone forever. At least for the moment. I open the door, the door that leads me to misery. I walk upstairs and go into my room, to wash up and get ready for bed. I'm all set for food, Jimmy fed me well. My room looks disarrayed. I remember my father looking through my room for God knows what. I look in my personal desk. Where are my notes? I wrote on a few colored Sticky Notes, just some personal feelings I have for Jimmy. I kind of explain how much he means to me. I also noticed the piece of paper he gave me with his name and address on it were missing. The Sticky Notes, however, were crumbled into a ball. My father's ripshit. I'll just ignore whatever he says or does. But I'm scared for Jimmy. What if he gets him in trouble?