My True Colors

I'm scared

   "Where have you been? I've been worried sick!" I said pulling away from her and wiping my eyes. "Just...been stuck here, you know." She said shrugging her shoulders. "Why what's been going on? I thought you were getting better. Was it...because I left?" I said, worried. She shook her head. She walked over to a table and grabbed a chair to sit down. Evan was of course over by the food so I didn't have to worry about his untimely outbursts. I pulled a chair out and sat next to her. "What's going on?" I asked. "I don't know...I just don't want to go back out there. It...terrifies me...but I feel so conflicted because I want to be there for you but...with my disorder it will be hard and they'll put me in separate classes from everyone else and people will start to talk not to mention my family won't be happy I'm back...I'm sick of the way they look at me...and I haven't been clean for awhile so they won't send me home anytime soon anyway." She said pulling down her sleves.

   I sat there for a moment not really sure what to say. She had never opened up to me like that before no matter how much I asked and she never ever mentioned her disorder or even acknowledged it. But now that she had mentioned it I had never seen her family come visit. She would always spend time with me and Evan when he came out here to see me. Why would they send her here for help but not want to see her? Don't they care? Maybe they just don't want to have to deal with her. Could it be that bad? "Well" I started "have you told your therapist about this?" I asked. She shook her head. "How could I? I mean she tried to get me to tell her why I cut recently but as always...the words just wouldn't come out..and it's frustrating because I know if I don't start talking they'll never let me out of here. I've been here long enough...but I-I don't want to leave. Im scared." She said tearing up.

   I was lost. I didn't know exactly what to say. I know Sara had been here longer than me, much longer but I never really asked how long or even bothered to think how obnoxious it would get to be here for that long. I know she plays flute and since she's a long term patient they let her play but with supervision which doesn't allow for much practice, not that she has anything to practice for. I heard her once even though she doesnt like me hearing her play and she sounds amazing. "Sara?" I asked hesitantly. She hummed in response "What..what exactly do you have?" I asked quietly. She shook her head and looked down at her lap. We sat there for a moment and she began to cry "I just want to be ok Scar..I just want to be ok." She whispered wiping her eyes.

   I pulled her so she finally looked at me for once and pulled her in for a hug. We sat there for awhile while she cried and soaked my shirt, but I didn't mind. My mind began to wander. Everything started to fall into place and I started to realize how bad everything was for her. Somedays she would never talk to me and other times she would just walk away. I was only realizing this now, how selfish I had been the whole time and I began to cry. All she ever did was give her all to me even though she had nothing left to give and all I ever did was ask for more. I pulled her a little closer held her tighter. We sat there for awhile until Sara began to laugh. She pulled away and wiped her eyes "Heh, we're so dumb and emotional. Ugh, such girls, am I right?" She said laughing and still wiping her eyes.

   I chuckled but before I could say anything I heard Evan "I know right?" He said with a mouth full of bread. "Girls are so emotional and sensitive all the time. It's so confusing and obnoxious." Sara and me laughed "Oh god Evan you're so gross close your mouth!" I said still laughing. "See?" He said "I don't understand, it's a natural human process and girls are so grossed out." He finished, swallowing his food which only made me and Sara laugh even harder.

   The rest of the day went by faster than I would have wanted. We talked and laughed some more. I told Sara about the cafè and that when she gets back she has to come with me sometime. She told me about the park I had somehow missed and that we had to go there sometime. But as the clock struck five they told us we had to go home. So we said our goodbyes and our hugs lasted a life time before Evan finally pulled me away and we left. It was humid out and warm. I looked up at the sky and stopped. "What are you doing?" Evan asked. "Look," I said pointing at the sky "It's beautiful." Evan looked up too. The sunset was amazing, the oranges and reds mixed perfectly with the pink and the dark blue that was starting to set in the night was already twinkling with stars. We stayed there for a moment just looking at the sky.

   I don't remember the drive home or dinner but I remember laying down in bed and staring at the sign on the wall not being able to sleep so I opened the window and stared at the stars knowing Sara was probably doing the same.