On The Front Lines

7

"I can't believe they showed you that video," Kat said as we walked into the doctor's office.

            "Kat, I don't want to think about that. It's just going to upset me and that's not what I need right now," I told her as we sat down and waited.
            "Definitely don't need that," she said then put her hand on my bump. "Are you excited to find out what you're having?"
            "Yeah, kind of. I mean, don't get me wrong I appreciate you being here with me but I just wish it was Jay instead, you know. Six years we've waited for this and he's not even here. Sometimes I get the feeling I'll never see him again."
            "Sis-"
            "I know, Kat. I shouldn't think like that but when people are coming to my home, to my office showing me videos, I can't help but think that way. I can't be happy for two seconds about anything. Not my baby, not my career, not my family, nothing. You know I can handle a lot but this- this is testing my limits," I vented.
            "Sis, you can't let this knock you. I know you're tired of hearing it but we want you to talk to us about this. Because if you don't talk to somebody, you're going to self destruct and I for one refuse to let that happen. If I have to call you all day, every day until you get everything out, I will.
            "Hampton," the nurse called out.
            "Now, calm down and let's go see if I'm getting my niece," she told me as we stood and went to the back.

            "Didn't I tell y'all it was a boy! Give me my money, all of y'all," Tay exclaimed as she jumped up from her seat, causing the people around us to look our way.
            "Girl if you don't sit your ass down. Got all these people looking at us," Pooh told her.
            "Shit, let them look, I don't care. This is the first boy of the family. I have every right to be excited."
            "Excited or common?"
            Tay flipped Pooh off.
            "No lie, I'm excited too," Co added, looking at me.
            "Hell yeah, lil' triple Jay," Dionne added with a smile.
            While we waited for the food, everyone continued on the topic. I knew Co had already caught onto my vibe because she kept looking in my direction.
            "Come on," she told me, getting up and walking to the patio.
            I followed her outside and we sat at one of the high tables in the corner.
            "What's up, twin?" I asked her, locking my fingers together.
            "You tell me. You just found out your first child is a boy and you're acting like it's not a big deal. What's up?"
            "It's a huge deal; my first child, Jay's first son."
            "I figured that's what was wrong."
            "No, what's wrong is that he's not here for me to tell him. It's kind of hard to get in the spirit when the one who wanted this the most, more than me, I can't get in any kind of contact with because he's being held hostage somewhere overseas."
            "That's understandable but you can't let that-"
            "Can't let it what" I asked raising my brows. "Take my excitement and happiness about the baby away? I'm not happy twin. I don't have an ounce of excitement in my body; I wish I did. He's the first male grandchild; that's a huge deal, the first boy to be born first on my mama's side. This child, my son, being born without his father here- ever, is enough to take away anyone's joy," I told her. I grabbed a napkin to catch the tears at the brim of my eyes, "I'm tired of crying over this shit. Day and night, it's all I do. I'm done; I don't care anymore."
            "You don't mean that. I don't believe in my heart right now that you mean that," Co told me and folded her arms.
            "Why not? He chose this; it's his fault he's in this mess. So yes, I'm done. I'm not saying I'm done with him; I'm done with the situation. It's not healthy for me or the baby the amount of stress I'm in."
            "I-"
            "Y'all, the food is here," Kat called out from the door.
            We got up and headed inside when Co stopped me, "Can you at least try and be you for the next hour," she asked making the puppy dog eyes.
            I shook my head and laughed a little. "That won't work on me and you know it," I told her and she laughed as we made our way to the table.