Sadness

Confusion

Don't even ask me about this one... I don't even know what I was feeling that night lol. I was really sad. 

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I don't know what to do. One of them loves me, I think. The other I can't read. And she knows me more than anyone else.

He is nice one minute, but strange the next. How do I know how he feels. I can't tell if he's mad or happy. If he's sad or confused. How does he feel about me? And how do I feel about him?

He has that charm that no one can explain. It's the mystery in his eyes and actions that catch my attention. He seems to be hiding feelings. Like he doesn't know how to show them. Or he does and just doesn't. Why? Why would he hide himself like that? Why would he hide from me? What did I do to make him not trust me. "I can't trust you." He says. But what have I done? I may not be your ideal girl, but what did I do? I miss the boy I thought I first met. He was mysterious, but in a good way. Now, he's mysterious in a not so good way. What is he feeling? What is he hiding? What have I done?

I try my hardest to gain his trust and attention. To earn his love and friendship, but all I have gotten in return is sarcasm? I've gotten rude comments and hatred. I will get ignored when all I do is try to help. Am I doing something wrong. If so, what am I doing to make him ignore me the way he does? "What's wrong?" I ask trying to help. All I get in return is a scowl or no looks at all. Nothing that even resembles that he heard me even though I know he did. What can I do to fix this? If I even can at all.

He loves me. Or does he? It's like he's losing interest. Is there something I did wrong? If so, what have I done? He doesn't talk to me as much. He doesn't seem to have much interest anymore. I have backed off a bit, feeling as though I'm doing wrong. Am I? Am I too much, or not enough? I don't think I will ever know. I will never know how to find out. When I am with him I can't tell. Most I can tell how they feel. Loving, happy, angry, upset, maybe confused. With him I don't know.

One moment he loves me. The next he's distant, and seems alone. I try to be there but he seems to push me away. When we are together, I try to get closer. He tries to get farther. He gives my strangest looks. As if asking me what I am doing. Like I am a stranger. Is that what I have become to him? Am I a stranger now? Is that why he is growing distant? Or am I growing distant, but not noticing?

I take a step closer as he takes a step farther. I step back realizing he doesn't want me that close. I can feel the embarrassment in my cheeks. I look down at my fiddling hands thinking of what to do. Instead of asking what's wrong, I smile and hide the hurt. I hide the confusion as best I can. I am a hidden entity that only one person understands. I hope he doesn't notice the hurt behind my eyes.

Does he? Does he see the pain and confusion, but not care enough to act against the feelings? I try to understand him, but I can't. I miss him. Every second of every day, I miss him. I tell him I miss him. I tell him that I want to be with him more. His reactions are generally all the same. "Me too." "That makes two of us." "I love you too." I don't know if he doesn't know what to say, or if he just doesn't care.

Some days I'm bad at hiding the hurt. "I'm fine." "Seriously, nothing is wrong." I would say with a fake smile on my face and a depressingly happy tone to my voice. He can tell by the fake smiles and tones. He keeps begging for the answer he wants. I can't tell him the real reason I'm upset. I can't bring myself to it. But I can tell you.

I'm confused with myself. At my age, I shouldn't care, but I do. This is just normal teenage drama. "She wants attention." "She's faking it." "It's a phase." "She's a teen." "She does theses things." "She will be fine in an hour." But it's been longer than an hour. It's been longer than a month. How is it a phase, or an attention gag. It's not. These are my real feelings. Not something for attention. It's not because I'm a teenage girl and I'm not faking it. I'm faking the smiles and laughs. Because inside I'm fighting my own feelings. I'm screaming internally for help. I will try to hide it some days. Other days I forget. Others I will clearly show my feelings. I will try to call for help. Then I will push people away realizing that I can't tell them what's wrong because they will only make things worse. Because they can't help, and all they can do is ask questions and make everything worse. In doing this I make myself seem like an unhappy fool.

She is here always. She may not be in physical presence but she's always here for me. She's the one person that knows everything. She's not only my best friend, but she's my sister. She's the one who makes me laugh when I'm mad. She makes me happy when I'm sad. I love her. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Without her I think I wouldn't be who I am today. When I'm going through trouble spots she makes me forget the bad times and think about the good times. She is my best friend and if I were to lose her I think I would lose my mind. At this point, without her, I would die. This story was supposed to be sad. But I have her to keep me from being sad.