near and far | hemmings

Chapter 9

I can't stand to look at her anymore. It was 11:32 pm, that means that I have been at the hospital for 5 hours with my mother. Normally anyone would be sick of their mother nagging them. We're not normal. I have been sat here with her and she hasn't spoken a single word. The doctor said he lowered her dosage of antidepressants, but I didn't think she needed them this badly. She was beyond zoned out. The only movements she's made were blinking, breathing, and playing with her fingers. Her eyes has stayed fixed on the ground below my feet for this time in its entirety. 

"Alright mom. I'm going now." I state bluntly, picking up my bag and planting a light kiss on her forehead. Before I walk out the door, I place the picture I brought with me on the nightstand. It was when I was young, we had gone to the park. When I had asked for ice cream, she seemed as excited as I was and smiled with a simple, "fuck yes.".

I always knew she was a different type of mother, but I never realized how different our family was until Julie Jones' tea party came around. God, even her name states that she's a pretentious brat. When it was time to go, everyone's mothers came and picked them up at the front door, thanking Mrs. Jones for entertaining their daughters. Mine didn't. She swerved up to the curb and honked. She was an hour and a half late. When Mrs. Jones yelled a goodnight from the porch, my mother responded with a frown. She hadn't had a good night. That night, my mothers boyfriend, at the time, broke up with her. They did this every week, and the fact that he was married to another woman with two kids didn't help the situation either. 

Stepping out of the room, my head turns to the direction of the voice that says, "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?". My mind quickly identifies the man as Dr. Williams, my mothers doctor. 

"Yes, no problem." I smile, adjusting the strap of my bag.

"As you know, I tried to lower your mothers antidepressants to see if any of the therapy was truly paying off. However, it seems as if it hasn't at all. I'm afraid she might be here for a while." He sighs, with a sad frown.

"I understand. Thank you, doctor. Goodnight." I say stiffly. 

I don't want to talk anymore. It's exhausting having a mother with the current mental stability of a 2 year old child. As harsh as it sounds, I'm glad she's there. She has someone to take care of her 24/7, I couldn't. And believe me when I say that I blamed myself for months after she was admitted. My judgment was clouded by the love for my mother. I believed she was okay and that it was a small bump in the road. I guess it takes her swallowing all the meds in the house and having to make her throw them up to make me realize that I was wrong.

When I stepped into the brisk air, I began to walk. I didn't know where I was walking to, but it felt good to walk. I just wish I could be one of those girls that have everything easy. You know the type-one of those girls who live in a beautiful city and have the freedom and time to explore it, one of those girls who can go out randomly and buy a new laptop instead of working her ass off for months to afford it, one of those girls who haven't lost their innocence yet and still sees the best in everything, one of those girls who act kind and perfect all the time. I just wish for things to come easily. The only time when I can really just say the first thought that pops into my mind is when I'm with Luke. 

Luke. That's where I'm headed. I didn't notice, but I was walking to Luke's house. I hope he doesn't think it's odd that I'm showing up out of the blue at 12:28 in the morning. What if he's not home? I heard that there was going to be a party somewhere tonight at school on Friday. What if he's with a girl? Oh god, I hope not. I say this not because I want to be with him, but because all the girls around here aren't good enough for him. Myself included. 

Wandering through the backyard of the big property, I find myself stood outside the door of the cottage. Taking a deep breath, I raise my fist to the wood and knock three times. Two didn't seem eager enough and four seemed over-enthusiastic. What if three was over-enthusiastic as well? I should just leave...

My thoughts are interrupted when he opens the door with sleepy eyes and disheveled hair. Without asking any questions regarding the time or the tears that had wandered down my cheeks, he wraps his long arms around me and pulls me into the home. This feels like home, right here, right now. I don't know it yet, but I will soon realize that it's not the cottage that's home, it's the tall boy with his arms around me, humming me to sleep.