The Piano Man (Iwaoi)

Chapter 14

        It was a full month of idleness before Tooru Oikawa decided what he wanted to do (aside from compose, of course, but that was taking much longer and proving much more difficult than he'd originally planned).

        The month was long and hot, the middle of summer, but Tooru liked to be outside in the sun—being with Ushiwaka gave him a good excuse to desert his grand, lonely house and frolic in the more bustling parts of the city. He liked to put on sunglasses and go out for walks, nowhere to go and nobody to see, just because he could. Sometimes his body ached too much, or he came down with fevers and unbearable fatigue and his fingers felt that they were breaking in half, and on those days he would stay inside. Some days in his home, some days in Ushiwaka's apartment. He even convinced Hajime, with Ushiwaka's help, to let him take Gemini out for walks if he was in the area. So he learned that Hajime kept his key hidden in the plant on the first floor of the apartment building, so he could grab it, go up, be alone in Hajime's apartment while he put on Gemini's leash. It always smelled so absurdly like him, and there were always empty beer bottles and cigarette butts and total disarray. Gemini, who had already taken a liking to Tooru, became more and more attached—whenever the door opened and she saw him, she would pounce and lick his face and know, immediately, that they were going for a walk. She had a worn tennis ball that she liked to play fetch with, so Tooru would take her to the park and play fetch. All the while wondering if Michiko had ever done this. Wondering when the day would come that he and Hajime would be able to walk Gemini together without Tooru feeling such a horrible abyss within him.

        But it was Wakatoshi Ushijima with whom Tooru spent most of his time during that month. Initially, Tooru told himself he would indulge Ushiwaka. He wants to love me, fine, let's see what he can do. But it turned out that Ushiwaka was devoted and generous, loving, compassionate, went out of his way to make things better for Tooru. He cooked him dinner and drove him around and held him when he was sad, kissed him when his lips were dry and, when Tooru needed it, left him alone. He wasn't overbearing (in some senses, at least). He couldn't afford to be; he was too busy.

        Tooru wasn't unhappy being Ushiwaka's lover. Far from it. He liked the attention. The adoration. Was comforted by the fact that if he felt the urge to cry, Ushiwaka would lend him a shoulder—then again, so would Hajime.

        (But that was different. That was much harder. Hajime was dangerous and Ushiwaka was safe and that was the difference.)

        Ushiwaka's earnestness continued to frustrate Tooru. Because Tooru wasn't a kind lover. He insulted Ushiwaka and started pointless, petty arguments, and always Ushiwaka responded with a dumbfounded look and a sincere, unwarranted apology. How could he know what he was apologizing for? His honesty? The too-pure glisten in his eyes? The fact that he wasn't and never could be Hajime Iwaizumi? Tooru was never fair to Ushiwaka and Ushiwaka didn't mind—knew that, and didn't mind—and that was part of the reason Tooru was so very charmed by and attracted to him. He was so in love with someone being this desperate to please him.

        Sometimes, because of Ushiwaka's work, they slept in different places: Tooru in his home, Ushiwaka in his. Or the precinct. But, a lot of the time, they switched between places. Ushiwaka would sleep at Tooru's house, then Tooru at Ushiwaka's. Tooru always preferred spending the nights in Ushiwaka's apartment because there was no piano there to make him hate himself for his inability to play it, and he became attracted and addicted to the smell of Ushiwaka's sheets. He didn't have a dog like Gemini, but his apartment never smelled like cigarettes or whiskey, and he was always clean and beautiful. And he didn't mind when Tooru rambled about the imaginary conversations he had with Rachmaninoff in his head, despite not knowing a word of Russian. Hajime had always listened, but never understood. Ushiwaka indulged and humored Tooru in a way that was unique. Always put his arm around his shoulder to make sure he knew, felt, that Ushiwaka listening. Stared at him with hard, focused eyes, kissed the corners of his eyes with cold lips. He liked to talk to Tooru about music, but more than that, he liked to listen to Tooru.