My fingers went up to my lips, still tingling from Calum's kiss a moment ago. It took me a little bit to realize that he had actually kissed me and I hadn't imagined it.
"You can't just kiss me and expect everything to be ok!" I pushed him away from me the best I could in my weakened state.
"You can't tell me you didn't feel something, Madison," his hot breath finding its way to my ear.
I sucked in my breath trying to find my way through my muddled thoughts. He was confusing me. One day he was leading me on and then he wanted to just be friends and now he was kissing me. I hated that he was right. Of course I felt something when he kissed me. I had been waiting for that kiss for so long, but not like this. Not after I found out that he didn't want to be with me because of my cancer. But I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me again. "My mom is waiting," I said, deciding that I needed more time to think things through. I adjusted my bag on my shoulder as I turned to leave, but Calum caught my wrist turning me back around.
"Madison wait. You can't just walk away from me," his brown eyes pleading.
I sighed and lightly crossed my arms over my chest. "I don't even know what to think anymore. You keep giving me mixed signals."
"I didn't mean to. I honestly tried to just stay friends and then you went and asked me what I was thinking and it just slipped out that I wanted to kiss you but I just couldn't. And then I saw the look on your face and as I was at home I couldn't stop thinking about you. All I wanted was to know that you were all right, that you didn't hate me. But I guess I understand if you do."
I sat back down in my chemo chair, putting my head in my hands. "I just hate it so much. I thought I was ok with it - the cancer taking away normal life things, but after what you said I realized that I wasn't. I don't want pity though. That's the last thing I want. I hate people feeling bad for me, like I'm worse off because of this."
Calum walked over and kneeled in front of me. He lifted my face to look at him, his eyes warm and inviting causing me to feel a different kind of weak. "Trust me, Madison. I don't want you to feel that way and I'm sorry if I am causing you to."
I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek to his hand that now rested there. "Just tell me one thing please," I whispered.
"Anything."
"Are you sure that you want to do this? Because I don't want to start something that you're just going to end when things get bad," my voice was quiet and I'm not sure that he could hear me.
I opened my eyes a few moments late to gauge his expression. He now sat back on his knees and took a deep breath. After licking his lips he said, "I've never been more sure of anything in my life, Madison."
*******
I feel like I should've been happy or however a girl is supposed to feel after getting kissed by a boy that she likes, but I didn't. I felt confused and lost. As I layed back on my bed and stared at the posters covering my walls and listened to the blasting music coming from my speakers, I tried to figure out what to think about Calum. I told him I needed time to think about everything. I wasn't sure how long I was going to need, but my mind was definitely messed up right now. I had wanted so badly for him to like me and actually have a boyfriend, but I still wasn't sure that he was over the fact that I was sick. I knew I needed to give him a chance, but did I really want to do that to him as well? Did I want to fall for someone when I knew I didn't have that long to live? Could I do that to him?
"Maddie?" Caleb pushed open my door.
I sat up on my bed and saw my little brother shuffle into my room. "Yeah, bud?" I wiped my eyes, trying to get rid of any trace of tears.
