It's been two weeks since Christian came to visit me. In that time, I came home from the hospital and now I spend most of my time in my room. Calum comes to visit me after his shifts, but he hasn't spent the night. I told him it was fine to, but he thinks my parents won't like if he stays. I wish that he would though. I'd like to fall asleep in his arms and have him hold me all night.
I've also grown a lot weaker in the time that I've come home. I don't feel like doing much except watching the cooking shows or listening to music. My dad moved a TV into my room so I'm able to watch without leaving my bed. My doctor explained the weekness I feel as the cancer taking over my body. He told me before I left the hospital that it won't be long now, until it takes over completely. He said I should take care of anything that I want sooner rather than later. It was hard to hear this at the time, but now I've come to the conclusion that there's no escaping my death. It's going to come and I can't stop it.
Michael is coming over today. I wanted to make sure I saw him again since I'm not going to chemo like him anymore. He knocked softly on my bedroom door sometime in the afternoon and walked in. He was carrying a shopping bag in his right hand. He stood next to my bed with a sheepish grin on his face.
"What's that?" I asked, propping myself up on my elbow to get a better look.
"Junk," he explained. He slowly took out box after box of candy and then hands me a can of root beer. "I thought that you deserved to have some candy. I stopped on the way over. My mom never lets me have any of this and I wasn't sure the last time you actually pigged out."
I laughed at the amount of candy that was now on my bed as I popped the tab on my drink. "Thanks, Michael and you're right. I haven't had candy in forever."
"Well then. What's first?" he asked, shifting through the pile.
"Um," I said, looking through it. "I think I'll have some starburst. I always liked the frutiy stuff better than chocolate."
Michael shook his head. "No way, Mads. Chocolate is way better," he argued while peeling open a package of reese's.
We sat in silence for a bit, just enjoying the candy. Then I broke the quietness by saying, "You know it's soon right?"
Michael's hand dropped down to his lap. "I figured that was why you invited me," he said quietly. "Are you scared? You know, about dying?"
I finished chewing on a red starburst and swallowed it before answering. "A little. I mean, it probably hurts. I'm mostly scared about the actual event than what happens afterwards, but I'm also worried about Calum and my family and you. Like what's going to happen to everyone and how are they going to handle it."
Michael nodded, now eating some licorice. "I'm scared about dying too. My parents won't have anyone to take care of anymore. I feel like my mom is going to act like she does now, sitting at the table and drinking tea, staring off at nothing. But it will be different because she won't have anyone to look after. I'm afraid she's going to get depressed."
"Maybe you can talk to her? Tell her you're worried about her?" I suggested.
"Yeah, I guess that might help. I just love her so much and I hate to see her in pain because of me."
"I know what you mean. I hate doing this to everyone even though it's not my fault. I think I would feel better knowing that it actually was my fault that I was hurting them. Then I could actually blame myself."
"This is such a sad topic, Maddie. Why don't we talk about something else?"
"Ok, um. How about your guitar lessons?"
"They're going so great! I finally got that part right that I was so worked up about. My guitar teacher is quitting though, so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. He's moving to like Canada or something."
"Hmmm. Well you could ask my dad. He's giving Christian some lessons so I bet he would help you out."
"Really? That would be awesome," he smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. It was so great to see that he found something to be happy about.
"Yeah, I'll tell him your number and he can give you a call."
"Sweet. Thanks, Mads," he said and wrapped his arms around me, leaning over the pile of candy.
***********
"What's all this?" Calum asked as he entered my room later that night. Michael had left a few hours ago, but I still had the remnants of the candy he brought on my bed.
"Michael brought over candy," I explained as he started cleaning it up and putting it back in the bag.
"That's cool. How's he been? I haven't gotten to go play FIFA with him in awhile."
"He's doing pretty well. He has to switch to my dad giving him guitar lessons because his old teacher is moving."
"Oh. Is he upset about that? His old teacher moving, I mean."
"Uh, I think it's alright now that he can still get lessons. I just think he loves playing too much to let it go."
"Yeah. I understand. I love working at the hospital a lot and I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the fall when I have to put in my resignation."
"Why do you have to resign?"
"I guess it's not really resigning, but rather my internship ending. Then I'll also be starting college."
"Oh. I guess that makes sense."
He finished bagging up the candy and set the bag next to my bed. He climbed up on the bed and I can smell the cologne wafting off his body. He must have gone home to shower before coming over. I couldn't help but think he looked sexy in his black jeans and zip up hoodie.
"Can I ask you something?" My voice was quiet and laced with anxiety.
"Sure, Madison. Anything you want," he nodded.
"Ok, well, you know how Michael talked at Luke's funeral..." I trailed off.
"You want to speak at yours?" he inferred. I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip. "I'd be honored to do that, baby," he answered, pressing his lips to my forehead.
"Really? It's not too much to ask?"
"Not at all," he shook his head and reached for the remote. "Now, let's not dwell on your funeral and watch one of those cooking shows that you love so much."
I wanted to tell him so much right now, but I knew if I started to speak my thoughts I wouldn't be able to hold it together. I supposed he would have to wait to hear everything until after I was gone and he read my letter.
please vote and comment? i love you all for reading <3 xx zoe
