I stared at my reflection in the mirror and decided that this was going to have be good enough. I realized that this was the second time I had worn a dress in the past month when I hadn't worn one in years, but today it was for an entirely different occasion. I smoothed out the skater style skirt of the long-sleeved black dress before walking out of my room to wait downstairs.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come, kiddo?" my dad asked from the kitchen table. He was drinking a cup of coffee while Caleb was eating a bowl of cereal.
I smiled at them and shook my head. "No. Calum insisted on coming and Michael will be there. I'll be ok, but thanks."
"Alright. Just let me know if anything changes."
"I will," I told him, giving him a quick hug. He seemed to be more worried about me lately - ever since Luke died. He would ask me more questions about my whereabouts and I now had a curfew. It's not that I was upset about it, but it was kind of annoying. "Bye, guys. I'll see you later." I gave Caleb a kiss on the forehead before walking out the front door to wait for Calum. I had only texted him a few times since I stayed over at Michael's and seen him at the hospital when I had chemo. He texted me last night saying he would pick me for the funeral and I wasn't sure how to decline. I really wasn't sure why he was coming because he didn't know Luke except for at chemo, but maybe it was to support me and that was really sweet.
Calum parked his Honda in the driveway and got out of the car. "Madison," he breathed out, pulling me into a hug. I was so caught off guard by the guesture that all I could do was fall into his arms and inhale his scent of soap and cologne. "I missed this," he said into my ear.
"Missed what?" I squeaked out.
"Your touch. Your voice. Just you, Madison," he said, pulling away ever so slightly and resting his hands on my waist. "I've been going crazy mad thinking you hate me."
I shook my head and closed the space between us again. "I could never, Calum. I've just been trying to figure everything out."
Calum let out a heavy sigh. "That's a relief." He laced his fingers with mine and walked me over to the passenger side door before going back to the driver's seat. "That dress looks nice on you, Madison."
I tugged at the hem, trying to make it longer. "I'm not so sure. I really hate dresses," I told him, biting my lip. I really wanted to wear pants, but my mom had insisted that we go shopping for something to wear and wouldn't let up. I finally gave in just so I wouldn't have to hear her pester me about it any longer.
"Well, I think you look beautiful in anything, but that dress looks especially beautiful," he said, placing his hand on my bare knee causing a blush to form on my cheeks.
"Thanks. You know you didn't have to come today," I whispered softly.
"Did you not want me to?" he countered.
"That's not it. I just didn't think this would be something you would want to do." I shrugged, not knowing how to express what I was trying to say. I wanted Calum here, but he seemed to be trying hard to prove himself to me. It was like he wanted to make himself seem worthy so I wouldn't break up with him (not that I was planning to anymore).
"A funeral you mean?" Calum asked confused.
I sighed. "I guess what I'm trying ask is, did you only come to make sure that I'm not going to break up with you? Because you're being extra nice to me and giving me compliments and I don't know. It kind of seems like overkill."
Calum pulled into a parking space in the church parking lot and turned off the car. He threw his head back against the headrest of his seat. "Is it really too much, Madison? I just wanted to tell you looked beautiful becuase I'm afraid you don't hear it enough. If you want me to stop, I'll just keep my thoughts to myself, but damnit I'm not sure I can do it." He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up a bit. "I really am afraid of you wanting to break up with me because I think I'm falling in love with you and you have this disease and you could leave me for good at any time that's not your choice and it's freaking me out that you would choose to leave me. And I know it's ridiculous because we've barely even been together, but I feel like I've known you my whole life, Madison. I feel like I've found the girl of dreams and I don't want to lose you unless I have to."
I sat silently next to Calum, stunned by his words. "You really think that?" I whispered, looking down at my hands after several moments.
"Think what?" he asked, clearly knowing what I was referring to but wanting me to say it.
"That you're falling in love with me?"
Calum grabbed my face with his hands, forcing me to look into his deep brown eyes. "Of course. I think I have been for awhile. I've just been afraid to admit it."
I looked at this boy in front of me, laying out all of his feelings for me and I knew in my heart I felt the same. He treated me better than anyone and I knew he would do anything for me. He could make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry and I would be content just laying around doing nothing with him. I leaned forward and kissed his lips gently. "I love you, Calum," I said against them.
I felt his body tense at my words, knowing he wasn't expecting to hear me say them. "Are you just saying that to make me feel better, Madison?"
"Of course not. I mean it," I said and kissed him again, deeper this time and tangled my fingers in his hair.
A few minutes later, he separated from me. "We better get inside. We wouldn't want to be late," he said. "But that was wonderful, Madison."
I smiled at his words and I felt horrible for feeling happy as I walked into my friend's funeral.
**********
We found a seat next to Michael and soon the funeral began. I looked around, surprised by how packed the church was. I hadn't realized how many people Luke knew or else people only showed up because they felt bad a student died of cancer. My mind drifted to what my funeral would be like and I wondered how many people would show up. Definitely not this many, I thought sadly. The pastor began with saying a few words from the Bible and then a song was sung before he told his message. Michael went up to the front of the church then to say a few words. He looked very out of place in a suit - it was big on him, as if it was a hand-me-down from his dad or something. He ran a hand through his mess of hair, making it even more of a mess. I held back a laugh, covering my mouth with my hand.
"Luke was my best friend," Michael started off. "A lot of you here today didn't even know him and I'm not really sure why you're here but that's not the point, I guess. I'm supposed to tell you the good things about Luke and how many good times we had, but in all honesty, I don't want to tell you that shit because then it's not mine anymore. Luke was one of the best people the world had ever seen and now he's gone because of a stupid disease. Sometimes I wish more of you did get the chance to know him, but then I'm glad you didn't because you aren't worthy of him. He was better than all of you and he deserved better than he got in this life. He should've been the rockstar that he wanted to be. He should've made it big like he wanted, but instead he got dealt the wrong hand and now I'm here, along with his family, left empty without him."
Michael held it together up there and I was surprised. It wasn't anything like I had heard before at any funeral and I guess the only thing I could compare it to was my grandpa's funeral when I was ten. Michael left the podium and walked back to us avoiding the stunned stares he was receiving. I placed my hand on his and whispered, "that was great."
The pastor went back up and read another Bible verse before another song was sung and then the funeral was over. People started to file out of the church. Calum and I stood up, expecting Michael to do the same, but he sat frozen in the pew, refusing to stand.
so so so sorry to keep you waiting! (and also sorry if it's kinda cliche in some parts) but please vote/comment what you think becasue i love to read your comments (: xx zoe
p.s. i'll try to update soon but i have finals
