KABANATA 15 – Two Hands
I felt sick when we got home from the mall. Talagang mabigat ang pakiramdam ko na hindi ko na nagawang makihalubilo sa mga bata nang salubungin nila kaming tatlo.
Lalo na nang mabalitaan ko ang biglaang pag-alis ni Minerva. Yesterday was our last day of school but we still needed to take care of some important requirements. We still needed to pass our final report for our short research paper in English and get our report cards. She said her parents already talked to the senior high school head official. She would just passed all the requirements that was left behind online.
Biglaan silang nagtungo sa Mindoro dahil sa nagkasakit niyang lola. She said she badly wanted to be by her grandmother's side especially now that she was sick. Hindi ko naman siya dapat pigilan.
Lavina didn't notice the change in my mood. It's because I pretended to be interested and I acted like everything was okay. After a few hours of looking for a gift and checking out other stores, they finally found the 'perfect' gift for France. Lavina ended up buying the fashion book that she was checking out on the cute store while Lev bought a vintage bracelet in a second hand store in the mall. In fact, I learned that Lev had been saving up so that he could buy a nice gift for France. Lavina mentioned that he wasn't able to give a gift to her on her eighteenth birthday because he didn't have enough money back then and also on the next birthdays that came. Kaya naman bumawi siya ngayong twenty-first birthday na nito.
Sa huli, naiwan na naman akong luhaan ang puso. Wala akong makausap at tahimik na nagmukmok lamang ako sa aking kwarto. Ni hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong magkimkim ng hinanakit kay Lev gayung wala naman siyang alam.
Hindi ko rin makausap si Minerva dahil may sarili siyang problemang iniisip. I didn't want to add to her worries. S
o, just because there were too many questions left hanging on my mind, I ended up googling some of it just so I could have my answers.
I wanted to know why I was being so emotional. I searched it online and there were a lot of answers that pop up in just seconds.
It said that teenagers tend to be so emotional without appropriate reasons. That was because we were struggling to identify ourselves' worth and also self-image. With no apparent reasons, you would feel worthless and insignificant.
Ngunit ako ay may rason. When I asked about it, I was horrified with the answer. I couldn't believe that I would be jealous over something I shouldn't feel jealous of. Nakakairita dahil mukhang totoo na iyon nga ang nararamdaman ko. I was so horrified that everything it said was accurate. Ramdam na ramdam ko iyon dito sa aking puso. Maging utak ko na pilit nililinaw ang lahat ay roon pa rin humahantong.
I would turn eighteen soon. Bakit ngayon ko pa nararamdaman ang mga ito gayung malapit nang matapos ang teenage years ko?
It also said that I needed to find a hobby that I should be passionate about. The only hobby I loved was to visit the rose farm and to help the farmers there. Paano ko gagawin iyon kung sa rose farm ay marami nang alaalang nagpapalungkot sa akin? Katumbas kasi ng mga alaalang masasaya ay ang malulungkot din. How could I stay there and try to be happy when the truth was it would only remind me of our memories?
I slammed the laptop shut and buried my face in my pillow. Wala namang nakakatulong sa akin sa mga nabasa ko. Everything it suggested would always end up with me seeing Lev and not being able to avoid him.
Hindi ako makapaniwalang pinoproblema ko ang ganitong bagay? In just months, I fell in love and ended up broken.
Nakakasawa na ring mag-isip kung paano ko siya maiiwasan.
