Chained To You

Chapter 12: Understandings...

It's a cloudy Friday evening, winter is getting closer, hugging us.
I'm in my bed, pretending I have a headache so I can cry.
My mom just brought me a cup of hot tea.
My sister, Isabel, is on her phone on her bed in the room, keeping me company even I don't want it.
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At school, on Monday, Tobias returns. I salute him with a big hug.
«Did they buy you a new phone?» I ask him curiously.
He gives me his new phone. I check it. It's the same iPhone 7 he had last time. I look at the screen.
«Tobias, this your same phone. See, it has that same crack on the screen here» I tell him.
"Why is he lying to me?".
His hands grab my waist and pull me closer to him.
«We need to talk privately» He whispers.
«Okay» I whisper back.
«After school. Meet me behind the school» and he's gone.
"What does he want to tell me?".
I wait impatiently all day. I need to know what Tobias has to tell me.
Finally it's 1.30 and school's over.
I run to the meeting spot and wait. Soon Tobias arrives, pushes me against the wall and kisses me. I don't know why, but I kiss him back.
I'm a mess.
«I liked that» I whisper.
«I did too» He says.
«So...» I say... I came here for a reason.
«Right. You still have my necklace?» He asks.
What a stupid question.
I nod my head, pulling out the chain from my hoodie.
He nods and pulls out his necklace, the same as mine, from his hoodie. His is a bit more boyish, but still has the diamond with that color on it.
«But you're born in October... you're not a cancer» I say stupidly.
Ne shakes his head.
«Follow me».
He takes me to a black Mercedes. Climbs in and turns on the engine.
«Is this yours?» I ask incredulously while I sit in it. I knew he had a car because he's 16 but I didn't know he had a MERCEDES!
«Yep. My baby number 2».
«Which is the number 1?» I ask, already knowing the answer...
«You».
I knew it.
His car runs fast and far. In 10 minutes we get to the hospital...
...what...
«The hospital?» I ask.
«No questions. Just follow» He mumbles.
I follow him through long corridors. "They're all identical, how does he know where to go?".
Finally we arrive in a room, it's an isolation room so before we go in Tobias gives me a "uniform" to wear.
I look ridiculous.
He lies on the bed and puts a needle in his arm.
"what the hell is going on?".
«Explain» I breathe.
«The necklace... it was a clue because I have cancer...» He says.
"He has cancer. Okay, he can fight it, right?".
«You can fight it?» I mumble.
«Well... I did... for a while... now it's-it's... terminal...» He whispers.
I open and close my mouth several times not knowing what to say.
Then I understand it.
Bald= cancer.
Selfish= cancer.
Necklace= cancer.
Fake fever= cancer.
«Your hair... that's why...» I whisper.
He nods. «I hate it like this» He says.
«You're selfish... because you want your life to be perfect before you... you...» I mumble.
I'm not able to say the word "die".
He nods. «I love you. That's why I wanted you» He explains.
«The necklace... since I'm cancer you gave me the necklace to make it like it was a gift...».
He nods. «I wanted you to understand in a way you wouldn't understand, do you get me?».
I nod. «the fake fever, because you had to stay here».
He nods. Tears in his eyes. Tears in mine.
«When do they say you're going to-to...» I ask.
«Ste... say it. Say the word... "die" means going to Heaven... just say it».
«When are you going to die?» I ask.
I didn't want to hear the reply.
«Tonight» He whispers.
«I want to stay here» I say immediately.
«I don't want to scare you. That's why I never told you» He explains.
«Seriously... you're stupid» I exclaim.
*************************************
Mom lets me stay next to Tobias.
We sing our song "Love Me Like You Do" while the evening gets closer.
Doctors come in and out all the time, checking on him.

The last minutes:
We talk about his favorite things, like football and horror movies.
«Ste... I'm tired» He mumbles.
This is it...
«Go to sleep, my Tobias» I say with tears running down my cheeks.
«Here, have this first». He gives me a folded letter signed for me «Open it when I fall asleep».
He closes his eyes «I hate you» he whispers before falling in a deep sleep.
«I hate you too» I whisper.
His parents start touching him and crying, but I can't feel emotions, I can't feel anything. I just feel the letter in my hands...
"What could he have possibly written?" I think.
I open it, curiously:

Dear Stephanie,
My cancer isn't contagious
I hate you,
Tobias

That's it?
"I don't care if I kissed you when you had cancer! Even if you were contagious!" I think.
«Mr. and Mrs. Four?» I ask.
They look at me in tears.
«Can I just ask you one thing? For his funeral, can you keep that necklace on?» I point at the necklace that me and Tobias have.
«Sure, honey» the mom says.
I nod my had thankful.
I can't stand it anymore. I look at Tobias one more time then go away.
I walk home, I don't want to get the bus.
When I walk I think, same goes for when I'm in the shower.
I cry like a baby but I don't care. My Tobias died. Now I understand everything... when he said "Oh, if only you knew"... he was right.
I walk and walk. My feet hurt. 18 kilometers isn't a bit, but I don't care.
It's getting dark and I can't see a thing, it doesn't matter.
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When I get home it's past midnight and my parents are waiting for me.
They're not angry, they understand me.
A friend died..
They hug me for a long time, then I decide to get ready for bed.
My parents told me that tomorrow I can remain at home.
I wake up at 10. I'm not sad. Angry. Happy.
I decide to write a message for him:

Dear Tobias,
I don't care if your cancer is contagious or not, I would've kissed you anyway.
I hope life up there is cool.
I hate you too,
Stephanie

Once I've finished writing it, I go out and burn it.
«I hate you».