Just Make Du'aa

• t w e n t y •

Dina

The plane ride home was silent and uncomfortable, Farouz did all he could to lift my mood. But nothing worked. I didn't eat, I couldn't. The feeling of the plane in the air and my worryful stomach made the thought of food trigger my gag reflex. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw my grandmother, pale and weak, lying on a bed of white with strangers she doesn't know bustling around her. Is she in a good hospital? The good hospitals are only available to the rich in Egypt are private, and require money my family doesn't have. But they would try anyway, I need to ask my mom when I see her.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't pretend to engage in small talk with my husband. So the trip was long and dreary. Of course I felt awful, because Farouz tried his best to liven me up or reassure me, but I simply had no energy to even try. All I could do was pray that this would pass by, that my teta would be okay. Because I could not imagine life without her in it.

When we arrived at the airport in my parents' town, my dad was waiting outside with the car. Farouz had arranged for our luggage to be sent back to Austin, and his friends would pick it up and send it to our place. We kept one suitcase with us, it carried enough for a little over a week. The length of our stay was still undetermined, but Farouz assured me that he'd deal with it if we needed anything else. He pulled the bag as we walked, his free hand gripping my waist, keeping me steady, pushing me forward. My dad came out and hugged me, long and hard, which was unusual. Then he greeted Farouz and tried to ask us about our trip, but they both knew that was the last thing on my mind.

"There is no bad news," my dad told me, his voice firm, hinting that I should try and be positive. "No good news, but also no bad news, and that in itself is good news. So it will do no one good to worry, we must pray and remain optimistic."

I knew there was no way to make my dad understand. He already understood, but he would insist that I not over think, and there's no way I would win. So I remained silent. He and Farouz filled the car with chat and tried their best to keep the topics light, every now and then they'd look back to me and try to bring me into the conversation.

We arrived home, I was surprised to see the house alive and normal, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. "Mama what's going on?" I couldn't help the anger swelling in me. My grandmother is sick and they are acting as if everything is normal? They didn't sound normal on the phone.

"Honey," my mom sat me down, "am I worried? Yes, I'm worried sick! Sad? Devastated, she's my mother! But Allah Subhana Watallah (a recognition of greatness) does not give someone more than they can bear. And everything was written for us before we were born. You know all of this. You and Farouz were matched from your first days on earth, and this was written for just as long. We cannot control it, it's all a test of our Iman (faith) and nothing will happen if it is not written. All we can do is pray, so why worry ourselves when we are doing all we can? Your father has already sent them money to admit her into a private institution so she can get better care. We are doing all we can. Now, it is best we stay together so we can support each other, but why fill the house with sadness that will only hurt us more?"

My head tilted in effort to understand, "how do you do it? Fake it till you make it?"

Mother looked up from where we were seated and at my brothers, who were squeezed onto a seat with Farouz and talking animatedly about something on their phone screen. Farouz listened to Zaid with such intent concentration that I found myself smiling. And I knew what my mom was going to say before she said it, "we do it for them. For you, but you're all grown up now and we don't need to hide the bad stuff from you anymore."

Before I could say anything else, Ali ran up to me, "Dina! Dina! Farouz just showed us a new game on the phone! The racing puzzle one? It's so amazing let me show you!"