Just Make Du'aa

• t w e n t y • s i x •

This chapter was very hard for me to write. Whatever your religion is, or if you don't have one. Perhaps try and put yourselves in their shoes. If you have a life line, and you feel like you lose it. That is the most helpless and scary feeling.

***

Dina

I don't understand. I don't, understand.

He lay in front of me, on our bed, sleeping! Completely oblivious, as I repeated those words. I watched him, feeling angry and betrayed and scared.

Angry at him. For giving in so easily, for throwing away everything he works towards, his morals, his religion, in a moment of weakness. Angry at him for lying to me! Smiling to my face and hugging me and kissing me as if he isn't hurting! Angry at him for going to his friends and not his wife.

Angry at myself. For not knowing. For not seeing him hurt and being so foolish! As if those scars could heal so easily. Angry at myself for not seeing the pain in his eyes and not being there to keep him from doing something that would break him.

Betrayed. Betrayed by Aladdin. Who was supposed to be there for him and keep him from doing exactly this! Betrayed by Farouz because he would so blatantly lie to me. I also felt betrayed by God.

And I hate to think it. I ask for forgiveness because I feel so angry at God and I should not be! But, why all of this? Why all of this pain and this heartbreak. Like punches, one after the other and I can't even breathe between them. We are given only what we can handle, but this? I can't handle the aftermath of this,

Scared. Scared of what will become of my husband when he wakes up and realizes what happens. Scared to see everything in him crumble as he realizes that the one thing that has driven him through his darkest days was broken in a moment of weakness. Scared because I will be the only one there to fix it, and I don't think I have it in me. Scared of my parents, of their disappointed expressions and their sighs. As if they knew I would fail at even this: at marriage. As if this was somehow my fault.

It is. It is my fault! I was so stupid, I was the one to convince him to go see his parents. He knew what it would lead to. He warned me! But I still pushed. I pushed and pushed and pushed and now my husband has snapped. I really don't know how we can overcome this. How he can overcome this. How will our lives go back after this? How will I trust him after he lied to me like that?

Maybe I did make the wrong decision. Maybe Farouz and I were not meant to be. Maybe... maybe that's why nothing has worked out for us from the start! We just are not for eachother.

The mere thought of that being a possibility wracked a heavy sob in my chest. Because even now, as I looked at him with anger and all of these negative thoughts clouded my brain, I still loved him so much it hurt. I still love this man so much it still feels right! Every laugh, every kiss, every night spent happy, all of that came together to make my happiest memories. How can this be wrong?

Maybe I did something bad, and God is punishing me through him.

Maybe he did something bad, and God is punishing him. And I got caught in the middle.

But that doesn't make any sense! I know God is kind and both our hearts are pure.

So why is this happening to me?!

Too many things are going through my head right now. I can't think straight I can't think straight I can't think I can't think I can't think! I wish the world would stop, I wish everything would stop for five minutes so I could breathe and think! I started tugging at my hair in frustration, how am I going to fix this? How am I going to fix this?