Last_Mami-Bambi

Your son/ I wish to apologize pt. 2 (day 2 of 5)

"Who's this?" his mother said.

"It's your son. Jacob."

"I don't know who you are. Please delete my number."

"Wait! Don't hang up. My name is Jacob Gingham Brennan Sartorius, born October 2nd, 1992. Do you remember now?"

"Not really. But something is coming to me."

"My brother Brennan. Brennan Max Ivory. He died a long time ago. In 98. Then you threw me out a few years later."

He heard his mother gasp. "You!" she yelled. "You killed my child! I should've put you out long before five years passed you bastard! You killed my little Brennan. He was only 4 years old!"

"I just called to say th-"

"I don't want to here it! You were the reason I had to spend $40,000 dollars out of fucking pocket. You're the reason I'm in this hospital. Running around all the time, can't keep control of yourself like you were a wild animal! You are a wild animal!"

Jacob began to tear up. "I'm -"

"I don't wanna hear it. I missed out on so much taking care of you, you ungrateful little bitch!!! I could've made money! I should've sold you to those men who knocked on my door. I should've turned my back to you. You know I wanted to fucking drown your ass after that funeral! Now Brennan is gone!"

Jacob felt warm tears run down his face. "At least you have me."

"I don't want you! I've never wanted you. I was doing just fine, then you, such a mistake and such a fuck up on our behalf, came into my life. I couldn't just leave and take care of my mother, she died because of you. I hoped you feel bad!!! I had to drop out of college because of you! I was well on my way to becoming wealthier, and living up to my full potential. But you came along. You ruined my life! And you tried to write me in the mail? Go fuck yourself! How bout you go fuck a guy, see if you get some money, gay bitch! You're just such a pain in the ass!! Go kill yourself! I hope you choke on a dick! Puta!"

Jacob began crying, and his mother began to insult him more. She began to talk about how insecure he should be about himself. Then she attacked his mind saying he should've been in special education.

Then she said this: "I hope you die! And I wish you were never my son!" and then all one could here was the receiver crashing.

Jacob let his phone hit the table. He put the hood on his sweatshirt up, and pulled the sleeves down to cover his hands. He began to curl up and cry. He began to tell himself he was worth nothing. He began to tell himself he wouldn't be anything. Just like his mother just did. He threw insults at himself. And began to torment himself. Then Jacob started to cry again. He only fed his stress and crying with more insults and hate on himself.

Jacob had a history of being psychotic. In the past he'd put himself through so much physical pain he thought about pulling the plug on his life support, so much emotional pain he thought about jumping out of a window (on multiple occasions), and a few times before, so much trauma, he just wanted to be killed. He's been known to put himself through stress on purpose. He said it was to "let go of emotional pain", but really, he just wanted to lock himself up in a psychological prison for a life sentence. It seemed Jacob never wanted to be happy. It seemed Jacob was only happy when he was depressed.

Jacob sat punishing himself, and putting himself through pain. It got so bad, he started screaming crying.

Although Jacob looked like he was emotionally tough all the time, when no one was at the homes he's lived, he'd cry and cry and cry until he was hyperventilating and screaming to deal with his stress; emotional torture.

Jacob refed his mind that he was nothing, wouldn't be anything, and was dead to everyone. Jacob's face began to turn red. After momentary emotional torture, and flashback of his dead brother's body, Jacob stopped crying, grabbed a bat, and gathered all the items he didn't purchase on his own. He hulk smashed everything in front of him that wasn't "his". Then he really let out his anger when he smashed and burned the pictures of everyone he knew. Pictures of his families (real, foster, and adopter), Adym, his boyfriends, friends, Emily (his first girlfriend), and memorabilia. But pictures of himself, he just pondered them. He looked at them like they were a foreign language he didn't knew existed.

Jacob never fully understood himself. He never really knew what he'd do.

Then Jacob continued on his rampage. Between crying, destroying things, stressing, more crying, fits of uncontrollable rage, and even more crying, he had nothing. No energy, no possessions, no will to live. He began to fall in an emotional spiral, starting with morbid depression only going lower from there.

Jacob never got too depressed, but this was his all time low.

He got so depressed he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and began slicing his arm. His eyes wringing themselves as he cut deeper. But the satisfaction in his heart going higher.

Then. He woke up.