My Life

July 15, 2017

It's been so long wow, but I think I might start writing on here again. Idk, I might just write to myself.

Anyway, happy birthday to Carlos whoop whoop! I know he'll never see this but I already wished him happy birthday at like 12:06 am so it's all good.

And um I guess I should follow the title of this book and actually write about my life...

So it's pretty trash right now.

In early May, Michael decided that we needed a break.

In early June, Michael broke up with me (twice) but said we could get back together after the summer.

I fucked that up so now we aren't getting back together.

So yeah, fuck man. I'm a wreck.

I lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Michael was my everything, tbh he still is, and now he's gone.

We dated for 16 months man, and now I gotta move on from that. Yeah no, I already know I'm not gonna move on for a looooonnnnggggggg time.

He's so perfect and there will never be any guy who will ever be as amazing as him.

He. Was. Perfect.

I hate myself for letting him go, for fucking us up, for being this way. I hate myself for not being better for him. I should've been better. I should've. And now it's too late.

So I was gonna kill myself tbh. I was already writing notes and shit. I just don't wanna be here anymore without him. He's my life, and now that he's gone, I have no life. I just don't wanna live like this.

But idk I decided that rather than killing myself I'd just start drinking.

Tbh death would be better but then my friends would be hurt temporarily and so would my family and funeral cost and yeah death is just selfish ig. Still considering it tho.

But drinking. It's getting me through my days. It's honestly the only thing that really is anymore. I drink and sleep all day because at least then I'm not dying for him. Although when I'm drunk I'm always breaking down and crying and texting him, but I forget about it the next day so I can live with it. I'm not sure how much of that pain I could deal with if I were sober.

And sleeping. I sleep a lot now to just avoid living. But it sucks because I always dream of Michael. There was one night where I had four straight dreams just about Michael and when I woke up, I just wanted to kill myself. The dreams were so nice. I had a life with him. We were smiling. It was like everything was okay. And when I wake up, I realize that he's not mine. That we aren't smiling. That everything is definitely not okay. And it hurts. So I drink and I cry and I breakdown and I forget it the next day. Then I repeat.

It's kinda sad that this is my life now tbh. I was doing so well. I was #1 in my class, I had the best boyfriend in the universe, I was doing pretty good in tennis, I was getting closer with my family, everything. And now look. It's summer break so there's no grades I have to care about, I lost the best boyfriend in the universe, I'm getting worse at tennis cuz my heart just isn't in the game, I'm pushing my family away and arguing with them constantly, I'm drinking all the damn time, everything.

I just don't know how things got so bad. Losing Michael just fucked up my entire life. I just don't care about anything anymore. But the thing is, it's not his fault. None of this. I'm the one who let things get this bad. I'm the one who fucked up my life and his.

Honestly I can live like this. It sucks but oh well, my life is whatever. What kills me is Michael. He's gone back to drugs and alcohol, and he's even worse than before. And it's all because of me. He'd be okay if it wasn't for me and that kills me. I'm okay throwing my life away, but I'm not okay with him throwing away his. I just wish he could be happy. I wish I didn't hurt him life this. I wish I could go back And redo all this.

That's just how things are ya know, terrible. I just hope he can be happy again, that's all I want.