Take My Life[Ereri/ErenxLevi]

Take My Thoughts

Eren's Pov

Three weeks. It's been three weeks since I was removed from football. Three weeks since I'd last seen a glimpse of love in either of my parent's eyes, I was only faced with disappointment. Three weeks since I've had time to really reflect on all the events that have lead to this point. Three weeks, since I've last seen his face. The face that repeatedly made appearances in my dreams, more often than not. It's been three fucking weeks and I've already gone mad, if I was even sane, to begin with.

I loved him. No, I cannot dub my actions "love". Love is affection and protection, not destruction. It is that warm and bright feeling that one is lucky to experience at least once in their lifetime. That deep intimacy and attachment you feel whenever they appear in your line of vision. That sense of security that smothers oneself, as a blanket would on a winter's night, when eye connection is met. Yet, I do feel that way about Levi. Perhaps Levi is love to me, but I am definitely not to Levi. He would experience fear and resentment when I'd show my face around him. Honestly, I cannot fault him for that, I have absolutely no right to. I especially had no right to go against his sister's wishes, or more likely demands, to make an appearance in his hospital room. Only to put him in more pain than he had already been in. But Eren just has to go and fuck things up, as always. Doing whatever I pleased, looking towards my well-being, not caring about others hurt in the process. It had always been that way, from the very beginning.

As a child, Levi was brilliant and vibrant, even with how reserved he was with others. He dazzled with every movement he made, no matter how much he hid or tried to deny it. The Levi that shined through the walls that were piled up, the real Levi was fire. To others, he was a spark, but I saw the true potential of what that spark could become. The flames that would engulf everything in its parameter when the time was right. I was drawn to the inferno, but out of fear of being burned, I tampered with those flames. Yet, things escalated, I went too far. I not only extinguished those flames, I demolished the ember, diminishing the possibility of that fire being ignited once more. I put Levi out because I was too much of a coward to share my real opinion of him. My deep desire that I refused to let show their faces.

I was always an irrational and hot-headed child. Consistently committing unjustifiable actions. As Levi used to say when we were kids, I acted "without logic". Even with all of my flaws, he still accepted me. Levi was the logic and consistency that I required in my life. Maybe that's why we were so close as kids. Don't get me wrong, I was close with Mikasa and Armin as well, but I'd choose to be alone with him rather than be in a group. He just understood me in a way that they didn't, that no one has even till now. Despite the amount of "friends" I have now, none of them held a candle to Levi.

Oh, I fell for him. I fell for him with enough impact to shatter every existing bone in my body. I believe that I had always loved Levi more than a friend, even when I was too young to realize it. It was mistaken as a crush with my adolescent mind. I'd admit that he was beautiful as a child, even pretty than his sister, in my opinion. But the moment when it became evident that my feelings were more than a crush, so much more, I ran. I once again acted like the irrational milksop that I always was. That day before high school had started was the beginning of hell breaking loose.

It started with pushing Levi away. I convinced myself it was because of my reputation. That I didn't want to admit to myself that I was gay. When it was so much deeper than that. I wasn't afraid of loving another man, I was afraid of loving Levi. He was more advanced than I was, so much more than I could hope to be. Everything about him was unique, while I was merely average. My only advantage over him was my popularity and ability to make friends with ease. But other than that I paled in comparison. Truth be told, us being together wouldn't have ruined my reputation, school status set aside, it would've ruined Levi's. His intelligence level, his boldness, his confidence, his judgement, and of course his strength. Levi carried a mental strength, one that I lacked. I was so insignificant when taking into account of all of the aspects that were Levi, and I was envious. Yes, I was envious of Levi, and because of my own insecurities, I tore him down in an attempt to bring him to my level. Subconsciously hoping that maybe then he wouldn't be too good for me anymore. Yet, it was clear that I could never bring Levi down to my level. For every floor he sunk down into, I sunk ten. He would always be unattainable to me. This only angered the beast inside. I lashed out as an animal lashes at its prey. Acting without thought, tearing every ounce of flesh till all that's left is the remnants of a once life filled body. I never had a control on my anger, I let it guide me more times than I'd like to admit. It's always made me go over the edge, things were taken way too far. Levi, I took it too far.