Numb But Moving

Chapter 16: Waking Up is Hard to Do

BPOV

             I was so tired.

 I was tired of running, tired of arguing. Tired of the pain, and the anger I constantly felt. I wanted nothing more than to tell someone else to live my own life and stay curled up, alone, in a dark quiet room.

            I did stay in my tight ball for several days, although I wasn’t alone. I was so lost in my new vulnerability that I didn’t speak, didn’t move, I didn’t even breathe. Whether it was because I was unable or unwilling, I do not know.

            I could hear the different members of the Cullen family come and go, trying to talk to me, to get me to respond, but I refuse. I could hear every word, knew exactly what they were saying or trying to say to me, but I didn’t even acknowledge their presence.

            A small part of me knew I was still being held in Edward’s arms. I also knew that our granite-like skin was touching – no barrier lay between us – but I couldn’t bring myself to care. In fact, I realized, much to my own disgust, that I took some form of comfort from it. I reveled in the fact that, so far, he was proving his words to be the truth. He just held me and loved me.

EPOV

            The days following Bella’s outburst and breakdown were both good and bad.

            Good, because I was able to hold my love. I was able to touch her, feel her, and let her scent intoxicate me. I reveled in her scent because it came without the burn that I was accustomed to. I knew not to make any bold gestures, such as kissing her, she was too upset, but I did want to. Instead I took satisfaction with being able to rub her back, or play with her hair. I hoped I was soothing her in some way.

            They were bad, because my sweet Bella wasn’t really there. I had brought Bella home after she collapsed in sobs and, unsurprisingly, all of my family was immediately downstairs, asking about what happened. I could only give them a small smile – left over from Bella’s admission that she would try in our relationship that she would let me attempt to win back her trust – and shake my head slightly.

            Alice swooped down on Bella after seeing my smile and the skin contact we were having, trying to get anything out of her, but she couldn’t. My eyebrows creased together in concern, but I couldn’t stop the smile that stayed on my face, I was entirely too excited to have my chance with Bella.

            None of my family could get anything out of my angel. I wasn’t sure if she was so lost in her own little world that she couldn’t hear us, or if she was just ignoring us, but I didn’t care either way. I did, of course, wish that she would talk to me; actually no, I wished that I could read her mind, more than ever, just to know whether she was regretting her decision or if her deep thinking was about something else.

            She stayed in my arms for days.

            We had all kept ourselves well fed when we were down south, amongst the other vampires, for fear one would bring the smell of blood back with them, or worse, a human back with them and our thirst would rage out of control. So it was no problem for me to sit there for two weeks if that was necessary. I was content with just being with my Bella, being able to touch her without her shying away like she did after the fight. I knew she would come back to me and talk when she was ready. I was in no hurry to interrupt the workings of her beautiful mind.

            On the eighth day of her catatonia, Bella took a deep breath. My heart expanded with hope and anxiety. I was unsure if this was the moment that she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me, or if it would be the moment she jerked from my lap in disgust and leaves me. I held my breath, anticipating her decision.

BPOV

            Eight days of catatonia. Eight days of letting everything run through my head. Every mistake, every battle, every day he said he loved me, every day we spent together, the words he said to negate those feelings, the heart break that followed, every day I spent went Jacob mending myself back together, the moment Jacob pushed me away , and every moment with Victoria.  All those memories lay out in front of me, but none of them could help me see if I was making the right choice. Was letting us try to get back to us worth it again?

            I had to let Edward know that if we did this everything would have to be on my terms. We had to take everything slow and that I had to keep myself guarded. I had already told Edward pretty much everything that had tormented me throughout the years, in the back of my mind. How he never really understood me, that he was more worried about my safety than my happiness. That he always tried to make my decisions for me even though they were not necessarily the right ones. I had screamed at him until my perfect vampire voice was cracked and hoarse, and yet he still ran after me, declaring his love for me.

            I knew that though he did not deserve it, and though my heart cried out to me to both go for it and hide away from it, I would need to trust Edward a little bit in order for this to even have the remote chance of succeeding. I needed to trust in Edward enough to give myself to him in small pieces. There was never a doubt in my mind that I was still unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. He already had my heart, always had since I met him, but I couldn’t let him take care of it all at once. Not unless I wanted to die a slow, painful emotional death when he decided he had actually left for other reasons than my safety.

            But I hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I hoped that I would be able to give my heart back to him, and although we wouldn’t be the exact same as we had been before, we would still have our love for one another and a more equal relationship.

            Actually, even now our relationship wouldn’t be even. I would always be stronger than him in a fight. I think I would always be stronger than anyone in a fight considering my capabilities. So if he did break my heart once again, I could just pound him into the ground – literally – before throwing myself off the cliff of despair to wander aimlessly.

The idea of being able to best Edward in a fight almost brought a small smile to my still lips. I knew I would never actually be able to hurt him, not even if he broke my heart – again – but a girl could dream. I heard a small chuckle at the irony of my words – a vampire, dreaming – and realized it had come from my own head. I was laughing at myself in my mind.

After the unleashing of the monster incident, having a separate and distinct voice laughing at me in my head did not prove to be reassuring. It in fact made me worry slightly for my sanity.

I quickly shook my worry off though, turning my mind to the more immediate and important matters at hand: my tentative relationship with Edward. I really didn’t want to face up to it, to have to deal with the hardships of building a relationship, but I knew I couldn’t stay locked up in my mind forever. Well, I could, but it wouldn’t help anything.

It was my life. And I needed to fix it.

 So for the first time in eight day, I steadied myself with a deep breath and pulled my consciousness into the present. I was still curled up in Edward’s arms. It didn’t even seem like he had moved me at all from when he picked me up. His hand was rubbing comforting and encouraging circles on my back while he hummed my lullaby softly enough that only I could hear. It was comforting and reminded me of a time when things were simpler. I only hoped that what I had to say next would bring us closer together.

 xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo—xo

Okay so i know this chapter is short, but i promise to make it up to you guys in the next chapter. I really struggled to get this chapter out and i'm not 100% happy with this chapter but I hope it would suffice. Hopefully i get the next update out on time if not I'm apologizing in advance.