Numb But Moving

Chapter 17: Back at Square One

A/N - I want to apologize for the long delay of this chapter and for the fact that it is short. I can give you a laundry list of excuses but i know you guys don't want to hear it and i rather not bore you with them anyways. I'm still not 100% sure of this chapter, i would say i'm about 65% sure but that would be pushing it a little. So i would really appreciate your comments on this one. I'm having a bit of trouble because I don't know the direction i want the story to go yet but don't worry there will be a happily ever after. I'm hoping to get the next chapter out as soon as possible. The next couple of chapters have been started but I don't really like them so i keep going back to change them. Okay your probably bored after this long rant of mine so without further ado here's the next chapter.

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“Can we talk?” were the first words out of my mouth in eight days. He nodded his response.  I took a deep unnecessary breath and began. “Edward, I agreed to try and I’m not taking that away from you but we have to do this on my terms. I cannot allow myself to get hurt like that again, that pain was unbearable and I don’t think I can survive that a second time.” I watched his face for any sign that he disagreed, but his face was that emotionless mask that I had come to hate. “I completely agree. I don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not ready for.” That threw me for a loop and I’m sure the expression on my face showed the shock. “Wow, I wasn’t ready for you to agree to it so quickly.” He shook his head. “I love you Isabella, and if I have to wait for you to be mine again, well then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” My heart clenched when the words I love you passed through his lips. I couldn’t take hearing those words again. That’s not starting over, not by a long shot. “You can’t say those words to me right now. They hold too much weight behind them and I’m not sure I’m ready to hear that right now.” For a moment I thought I saw his face drop but it was quickly replaced by the emotionless mask and he whispered “okay” to me.

 I made a motion to get out of his grasp, but his grip only tightened. “Edward you have to let me go. I can’t keep talking to you about taking this slow if you’re holding me this intimately.” He let out a long sigh but eventually his grip loosened, and I was able to move to the other side of the room. “Okay then, right now I think it would be best if I didn’t live with the family. It would seem too familiar right now and I rather not make anybody uncom-“ Edward interrupted me before I could finish. “Bella stop! You know my family would love to have you stay here. Please don’t leave on my account.”  He had a point there I couldn’t bear to hurt Esme by disappearing on her when we just reunited but I had to do what was best for me, and staying here just wasn’t good for me. “I’m not leaving because of you Edward; I’m leaving because I need time to myself right now. I need to establish myself and make sure I’m making all the right decisions for me. I need to do this without interference from the family. I love the family there’s no doubt about that, and it’s not like I won’t move back in, I just need my space right now.” With a long sigh he nodded in understanding. “Fine Bella, if that’s what you need I will give you that with one exception. You have to let me pay for wherever it is you want to live.” I didn’t think it was that unreasonable and use his help until I no longer needed it. I nodded so he could see that I was agreeable to that exception. I considered that a step in the right direction. This would be the first time I would let Edward pay for anything in our relationship. The smile on his face let me know that I had done something right. I made a mental note to let him pay or buy me things more often if only to see that smile on his face.

Our conversation flowed for hours, and by the time we realized it the day was gone. We had discussed everything from my expectations to what each of us was doing in the last 70 years. “So you mean to tell me that you were trying to track Victoria? What the hell is wrong with you Edward?” At least he had the decency to look sheepish.  “I wanted to keep you safe, and I felt that if I can destroy her, then that would make you safer. It seems I failed at that.” I didn’t like him looking so sad “you didn’t fail. You had no way of knowing she was going to come back to forks looking for me. And even if you did you had no way of knowing that this is what I was going to become. No matter how bad I wanted it in the past, the way it happened I wouldn’t wish on anybody. But enough about the past, we can’t change it so it’s best if we start looking towards building a new future.” It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt like I could finally breathe again. “Speaking of futures Bella, I’m sure Alice has seen this, and it won’t be long before she races in here to speak to you. So why don’t we go down to the living room that way we can talk to the family all at once.” I nodded and gestured that I will follow after him.

I found it odd that the entire Cullen family save Edward had left and this was the first time in a long time that we were truly alone. The quietness gave me more time to think, and I realized there was so much more I needed to say to every other Cullen family member. Edward had brought me out of my musings by suggesting that we take a seat on the couch while we waited out the rest of the family. I heard light pattering of footsteps approaching the door and immediately knew who it was.

“OMG BELLA I'm so happy for you guys!” The hug she wrapped me up in would have crushed my bones if I was still human. “Alice, calm down. We’re not back together yet, we’ve agreed to take this –whatever this is- slow. We’re just dating if you can call it that. And I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to break me in half.” Alice immediately let go and held her hands behind her back. By this time I noticed the entire Cullen family had filed into the living room. I looked at each one of their faces which held the same anxious expression. I took a deep breath before I started “I need to apologize to you guys for the way I behaved. Everything I was feeling was just too raw to process and I handled the situation the only way I knew how. I lied in the beginning to protect myself, and if I would have been honest from the beginning then most of what happened in the past week could have been avoided. I was so angry for so long that I didn’t want to know anything else. So I’m sorry. I just want us to leave the past in the past and start fresh.” The room was silent save the breathing from the other vampires in the room. I didn’t know what to expect after I gave my long apology but silence wasn’t it.

The next thing I knew I was being engulfed into a hug from all different angles. I stiffened before I realized that I wasn’t in any immediate danger and began to relax, but everyone had already caught my reaction.  “Bella there is absolutely nothing you need to apologize for, if anything we should be the ones apologizing to you.” Carlisle said.  “But since you prefer not to hash out the past let’s look to the future.” Everyone nodded in agreement with Carlisle.

I can tell that life was about to get a lot more interesting.

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Please don't forget to comment on this chapter i really need to know your thoughts on it.