Numb But Moving

Chapter 15: Yelling and Crying

            I had spent over 70 years believing the only person I had ever loved had never loved me back. Over 70 years believing my existence was meaningless, that no one truly cared for me. Then, all of a sudden, he tells me he was lying. That he left to protect me. That all he had wanted was to keep me safe.

It was almost the same exact situation, but in reverse. I almost laughed at the irony and hopelessness of the situation. He once told me that he didn’t love me, that everything he had said before was a lie. Now he was telling me that that was a lie and he had loved me all along.

What was I to believe? How was I to react? Could I really just accept that he in fact loved me then, just as he loved me now? Was it really that easy? No, it wasn’t. My heart couldn’t take the chance of it being a lie.

I did the only thing I could in that sort of situation and that was to act on instinct. That instinct, as unfortunate as it was for Edward, was anger. Anger at his reasoning, anger at his lies, anger at all the times he had ever hid something from me in order to protect me, and most of all, anger at his audacity to decide what was best for me.

I glared at his stunned face. Edward seemed to have been rendered speechless, by his own faulty words or by my reaction to them, I did not know. I knew in other situations I would have felt guilty for yelling at him, or would not have been able to at all, but at that moment, with all the pain and pent-up frustration at my pure existence, I did not care one bit. I let him have it.

“YOU ARE WORSE THAN ROSALIE!”

I heard a faint “hey” from somewhere in the house – a half-hearted attempt from said person to defend her-self.

“I’M SORRY.” I snarled in her general direction. “BUT YOU’RE TERRIBLY SELF-CENTERED AND WE ALL KNOW IT, INCLUDING YOURSELF.” I turned my murderous gaze back to its rightful owner: Edward.

“I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE SO FOCUSED ON YOURSELF! HOW CAN ONE PERSON BELIEVE THAT THEY KNOW EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT IS RIGHT FOR SOMEONE ELSE?! YES YOU CAN HEAR THOUGHTS! CONGRATULATIONS! THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU GOD! WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE WHAT RIGHT IS FOR ME?! WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR MY SAFETY?

“DID YOU EVER EVEN THINK THAT MAYBE YOU LEAVING ME ALONE AND DEFENSELESS WOULDN’T BE BEST FOR MY SAFETY? THAT AFTER I HAD ARRIVED AT FORKS I HAD NEARLY DIED AT LEAST FIVE TIMES AND THAT BY JUST REMOVING YOU FROM THE MIX WOULDN’T FIX HOW HORRIBLY CLUMSY I AM OR HOW PRONE TO DANGER I AM?! DID YOU THINK OF THAT?!

“YOU STEPPED AWAY FOR MY SAFETY, DID YOU THINK ABOUT MY HAPPINESS?! DID YOU EVER THINK THAT WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME MIGHT POSSIBLY BE THE THING THAT MADE ME HAPPY RATHER THAN WHAT MADE ME COMPLETELY SAFE?! HOW SAFE CAN AN UTTERLY EMOTIONLESS PERSON BE?! OR HOW SAFE CAN A SEVERELY DEPRESSED PERSON BE?

“I LOVED YOU! YOU WERE MY LIFE! YOU WERE THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME HAPPY. AND THEN YOU JUST TORE IT ALL AWAY, NOT EVEN LEAVING ME WITH MEMORIES I COULD TREASURE. No…they only caused pain.”

My voice was hoarse from my yelling. I knew it was unnecessary, especially since the person my rant was directed to was a vampire with super hearing capabilities, but in my state of mind I did not care who heard me and I hoped Edward felt the full brunt of my fury.

“Happiness does not always come hand in hand with safety Edward. In fact a lot of times happiness has nothing to do with protecting yourself. Especially if that happiness comes from love, because by being in love you have to put yourself out there, fully exposed, to someone else and there’s always risks in that. I definitely learned that.” If possible, the expression on Edward’s face became even more pained. I looked at him, feeling my anger beginning to melt.