Letting go

Chapter 7 : Life

Luca stands beside me.

Holding me silently as I sob about death and sob about everything else. Tim should be home within the next hour. He doesn't know what has been going on this whole time.

Tomorrow I have to go to church then I think I should move out of Tim's house and move into my own. They've been really nice letting me stay but I can't stay here forever. Besides me and Luca start school on Monday so I can't keep wearing the same clothes forever.

Just then I hear a door open and Tim comes down the stairs. I unwillingly break our hug and wipe my tears and nose with a tissue.

"What's going on?" Tim slowly and hesitantly asks the moment he sees me.

It looks like Luca is about to say something but I cut him off.

"I went to the doctor's today ... I have a hairline fracture in my left knee and a hairline fracture in my left ankle also in the same ankle is a serious bone defect ... I guess my left leg kind of hates me" I kind of do a small laugh at my own joke at the end.

But it turns into me bawling in Tim's arms. He knows what a bone defect is , he's training as a ski patrol / aid for his filler year then he's going to send his résumés to his limit of 3 universities , to become a doctor.

Then Tim breaks apart only a little , to see if I'm ok standing on my own. But before I can pull him close to me again , Luca speaks up.

"You should read this" he says , handing him the journal.

Tim pulls away completely and reads the suicide note. It's weird calling it that since I wrote it but I'm still alive. I really hope no one at school finds out about this because I've heard stories of people who got bullied then attempted suicide and when they got back to school they just bully them more. Even though clearly they were the reason the person wanted to kill themselves , someone should have stood up for those people.

Tim sits down after reading the journal. He's quiet for a little , pinching the bridge of his nose , with his eyes closed. Then he opens his green eyes and stops pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You were going to kill yourself?" he says surprisingly quiet and calm , it's almost scary.

"Yes"

"What made you change your mind?"

"She didn't" Luca says.

We all look at him , focusing our attention.

"Or at least not at first. She tried drowning herself in the bathroom sink"

Tim raises his eyebrows and gives me a look as if to say 'really? that was how you were going to commit suicide?'. But Luca ignores him and goes back to talking after a 1 second pause.

"She probably would've too in a few seconds , if I hadn't gotten home probably a minute before she put her head under water and went down stairs saw the bathroom door closed with no noise of anything , so I busted down the door and pulled her out. Gave her a speech and dragged her to the psychiatrist on a snow mobile. Then some how she became scared of death after a brief 15 minute meeting" he finishes calmly.

"Eventful day" is the only thing Tim can say.

"Very" Luca agrees.

"I'm moving out tomorrow , after church , just thought I'd tell you"I say.

"Nope your on suicide watch" says Tim.

"Seriously? Did you not just hear Luca? I scared myself of death!"

"Fine but , you aren't going back until the middle of the afternoon , roughly 3:00"

"Fine Dr.Tim"

"I like the sound of that except it'd be , Dr. Andrew"

12:34 a.m. Tim once again is fast asleep. But I can't sleep. So I get up and sit beside Luca on the couch.

"Tonight's my last night here"

"Yeah"

"Yeah"

Awkward silence. Normally Luca wouldn't be this quiet. He's never quiet.

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong!?" he asks in disbelief "what's wrong , Natasha , is that my girlfriend just tried to kill herself ... and you think your stuck now? Imagine me with you and Taylor both gone. I don't want you to leave. How can some injuries make you want to kill yourself , when , just a few nights ago , you thought I was your everything"

"I guess I just got lost , in myself. You know , you were right. It was selfish"

"Never get lost again"

This is when he starts to cry. His tears have been replenished and he is bawling. We hug each other and end up crying ourselves to sleep.

I wake up on my own again. Luca's already awake , I can hear him upstairs. I quickly walk up the stairs.

"Good morning" I say.

"Good morning" he replies.

"So what are you doing today?"

"Taking you to church"

"How?"

"Snow mobile"

"To church?"

"Ya I already said that"

"Your crazy!"

"No I'm not , you are because your standing here talking to me when the service starts in 40 minutes and it takes 30 minutes to get there"

"Ohhhhh ... crap!"

I run down the stairs , take a shower and then get dressed to dark blue jeans , plain burgundy v - neck tshirt with a pocket , black flats and I quickly blow dry my hair , brush it , curl it and brush my teeth. I walk up stairs in 12 minutes.

"How do you expect to ride on a snow mobile like that!?" shrieks Luca once I walk up stairs.

"I don't"

"But then h-"

I interrupt him by tossing him the car keys to my parents car. It'll only take a minute or 2 to get to my house.

"Smart" is his only response before bolting out the door.

I run after him once I pull on my jacket and take off my flats replacing them with boots , holding the flats in my hand.

*at church*

I forget everyone here! People I don't know keep on talking to me about how big I was last time they saw me , how I am doing and giving me their condolences which I don't really want right now because this is one of many ways to get my mind off of it. The service was your average Sunday service preaching , praying , talking and singing. But it didn't make me feel any better about Taylor.

* at Tim's*

I shove everything in my bag. It's time for me to leave what I have made my home for the past week or so. I hug every family member , Tim and Luca.

"Bye"

I say before I leave.