Letting go

Chapter 8 : School

Chapter 8 : School

Everyone stares at me and Luca as we walk down the hall. Once in awhile a friend will say their sorry but that's all.

It's all wrong. It shouldn't be just me and Luca walking alone , Taylor should be here too. She should be laugh or making a joke or at least talking. It's even weirder because this is our first year at high school so now , I'm going to have to last 3 more lonely years like this , until university. I can never replace Taylor with any of my other friends , but I don't really want to have to replace her. I just want her back.

Luca silently leaves to his locker. But there is still an awkward silence all around. People are watching me like hawks stalking their prey.

I see Jack and Kathy come out of the hawk crowd. Once they do everyone just slowly dissolves into a non - hawk crowd. They aren't the school bullies or anything , it's just everyone thinks that now that I'm not alone or with another sad , depressed person , that it's ok to not stare at me. This may be the only time I'm grateful for Jack and Kathy.

"We're sorry about what happened" says Kathy.

She doesn't sound sincere.

"Have you seen Luca? We came here late and we weren't sure if he was coming" says Jack.

"Yeah he went to his locker about 5 minutes ago" I say quietly.

I need to stick up for myself. Most people are at their lockers now , so there isn't a big crowd. Maybe Jack and Kathy will be the only ones to hear me.

As they start to walk away , when they are about a third of the way across the hall , I say "Don't say your sorry unless you mean it".

At first it looks like Jack is ready to turn around and let me have it , but Kathy seems to mouth the word 'Don't' . I guess some people think that jut because someone close to you died , it means that they're pissed off all the time but really it's like 'no I'm pissed off because you pissed me off'. In fact it pisses me off that people think that your pissed off because someone close to you died.

Ugh life is so much more complicated once someone dies.

*lunch*

I sit alone at the lunch table , nibbling on a stale cookie.

A snicker doodle. My favorite.

Luca is heading towards my table. He sits down. The cafeteria is strangely quiet. Everyone is staring once again.

"Aren't you going to sit with Jack and Kathy?" I ask , ignoring the hawk - people.

"No" he answers.

"I don't mind"

"I do"

"I shouldn't have told you"

"Told me what?"

"What she said"

"I'm glad you did"

"Why? It doesn't matter anymore"

"Don't say that"

"Why? You know it's true"

"Because it's not true"

"Yes it is. She doesn't care anymore , she's already dead"

The half hawk - half human people are on the edge of their seats. Eavesdropping. Holding onto every word.

"Fine if that's what you want" he says getting up without his tray and leaving the cafeteria.

Where is he going? I kind of want to follow him , but people already think we're sad and depressed , I shouldn't make them think that we're insane. He's not going to skip class. Even if he does the teachers won't care. They'll think it's because someone close to us died. We'll probably be excused from everything with that stupid excuse.

All of a sudden someone stands up from the hawk people and walks over.

It's Chloe , one of my many other friends.

She doesn't say anything , she just sits down and hugs me. Once again everyone turns away once they see that someone who isn't sad or depressed is with me.

"You should go find him" she says after a little while , letting go of me.

"I guess" I sigh.

But , I don't move and neither does she.

"I know you missed last week to mourn , but what's been happening lately?" she asks.

"I have a small fracture on my left knee and left ankle. I also have a bone defect in my left ankle. They will most likely have to do surgery. I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I have to go to church every Sunday and ... me and Luca are dating..." I finish quietly.

"Really?"

"Yeah"

"I knew you liked him for about a year and that he liked you , so that's nice"

"You knew he liked me?"

"Yup , I wasn't supposed to tell you"

I gently punch her arm , playfully. She starts to laugh and I join her.

"I forgot what it's like to be normal" I say.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Everyone keeps treating me differently. Just because my best friend died"

"And you had to jump from a chair lift that was already falling"

"Yeah that too"

"Yeah..."

"It's really stupid , that everyone treats me different. I just want them to act like nothing happened. You know? It's already hard enough to not think about it every second. Everyone staring at me and whispering about me , it just makes it so much harder. I mean school is something that can distract me from it. But it's hard because of everyone , even in class they stare. So then it's hard to focus on the lesson and then I'm no longer distracted. Instead I'm thinking of everyone staring at me and then I start thinking about Taylor and then ... it ... just ... I ... Ugh! I hate it ! I can't take it anymore!" I really have to try to keep my voice low.

"It's ok -"

"And I hate it when people say that! because its not ok! it will never be completely ok again!"

"Calm down Natasha"

"Sorry it's not you it's just ... the stupid words"

"Yeah ..."

"Your right I should go find Luca"

Oh my god , I can't even be around my friends anymore without freaking out or hearing those stupid words or without them thinking I'm pissed because someone close to me died.

I storm out of the cafeteria , into the hall.