The Greatest Abomination

Intro

                My name is Andrew Smith. I'm 17 years old, and this is the story of how life as I knew it changed forever. Before indulging in the mess that is my existence, I suppose I have to start from the beginning. But if you asked me to pinpoint the moment I first started feeling like this, I'd say I have no idea. Maybe somewhere between the summer after fifth grade and heading into sixth. I guess there were the “warning signs” or “red flags” that is now clear in hindsight but pretty blind to me back then. I was always the boy that hung out with the girls, the one that never played any sports, and the one that secretly liked pop music. Basically as stereotypical as stereotypes can get.

                 Homosexuality was never something that was blatantly exposed to me when I was a kid. In fact, before the whole gay rights movement became a thing, it was pretty unheard of in my life. No one around me appeared to be gay, or those who were, closeted to protect themselves from familiar as well as sociable consequences that their “lifestyle” could attract. Perhaps it's because of this ignorance that I never formed an opinion on it. I'm not sure if I even knew such labels existed, maybe it was my twelve year old little kid mindset that perceived everything as naively as possible.

                Granted, I did know the basics of human reproduction – a man and a woman make a baby. A family. But that's actually the most type of sexuality I was ever exposed to, regardless of orientation. I never had an older brother with posters of girls on motorcycles in his room, or a dad that sat and watched TV with me commenting on how sexy the women at the award shows look in their dresses. Sexualizing women was just something that was absent in that early stage of my life. Did I grow up broken because of that? Because I was never taught the “nature” of what being a man consisted of? It could be argued that certain factors contribute to homosexuality, nature vs nurture, etc. but I think it's all BS. I think you are the way you are and you just find out eventually. Anyway, it's safe to say that I was oblivious to any type of sexuality for that young period of my life, which I guess is normal, right? You don't wanna be a dad talking to your ten year old son about how hot girls are when they still need a nightlight to sleep. Now, slipping into my adolescence stage is where everything changes.

                So, with my lack of knowledge with everything regarding sexuality, what is my reaction supposed to be when I'm flipping through the channels one day and I see a gay couple holding hands on an episode of True Life on MTV? Immediately I feel some type of spark awaken in me, a burning and insatiable curiosity. I guess this is the part where someone argues that “gay media influenced me” but what about when flipping through the channels and seeing girls in bikinis or in other provocatively dressed ways and feeling nothing? What did this mean? All I knew was that I was drawn to guys from that moment, but felt tugged to conform with society to remain “normal”. Self-identity never comes easy, especially with all the teen hormones kicking in. Eventually, I met my new best friend, the internet.

                There are many milestones associated with growing up and I suppose a little loss of innocence is included in that. When I acted on my long-lasting curiosity by watching a couple of “videos” online, I grew to find that I did like guys. I began to sexualize them. Men with abs, blue eyes, nice hair. I was drawn to them without a doubt. Seeing two guys kiss was arousing and I couldn't control how that felt. The internet exposed me to the broad spectrum of homosexuality that my parents didn't. But, in a way, the thought of not being with a girl when I grew up was unthinkable. Was I really going to label myself gay just because I'm numb to girls? Maybe I haven't found “the one” yet. Maybe if I tried harder, I could find myself attracted to them. So in early sixth grade, and the next two years to come, I considered myself bisexual.