The Greatest Abomination

Self-Reliance

Now I'm at the current point in my life. I'm 17 years old, and I'm about to be a senior in high school. It's been two weeks since my last therapy session, which hasn't really helped change any mindsets. But I gave up a while ago. On myself and on my family.

                I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of beating myself up over their ignorance. I always felt like there was something wrong with me because the way I felt toward boys was the cause for all the problems going on. It wasn't until some great insight that I realized I am who I am, and if my family didn't accept me it was their problem.

                The philosophy regarding self-reliance is a beautiful thing. I realized that I was the one solely in charge of my own happiness. Pulling myself out of a chronic depression wasn't easy. From time to time I do have those saddening thoughts when I think about what my life in the future will be like but I decide to take my mind off them. I can't be depressed forever. It sucks that my mom doesn't accept me, and even though she loves me, she will never be able to be part of my life like she should or like I want her to. That is something that has always, continues to, and will always break my heart. However, there is no use in dwelling in it, her opinion will always remain the same. Misery will always breed misery, and that will be my outcome if I spend the rest of my life trying to please my parents. My happiness is not linked with theirs. 

                Although, I must admit, I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. I don't know if I'll ever meet another Jason or have friends like Mindy, Melanie, or Tania. I don't know anything, the future is my greatest fear. All I know is that in one year I'll move out and be off to college, where so many unmade memories lie waiting for me. I have to at least give myself the opportunity to think that there's hope out there for me. That things can get better. That there is something to look forward to.

                For right now, I am not depressed. For right now, I am not happy. For right now, I'm just... Okay.

The End.

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