The Greatest Abomination

Relationships

     Throughout the first half of middle school I kept my orientation a secret. I wouldn't let anyone know what I was, and I kept my thoughts to myself. I knew that gays were frowned upon, I was no longer ignorant to the world I lived in. So I began to date girls. Short-lived, no “sparks”, and no chemistry, it's suffice it to say that my relationship with girls never got very far. It wasn't their fault, I just wasn't feeling it. Eventually I confided in one of my close friends, Tania, regarding my sexuality. To my surprise, it didn't come as a shock to her. She wasn't grossed out, or stopped being my friend and it felt great. I could be myself with her, no need to hide it. Tania gave me something that I thought I would never find anywhere else, genuine acceptance. Funnily enough, my courage inspired her into confiding in me that she was also gay! Someone to talk to about it, someone who faced my kind of struggles and problems. It felt nice. 

Sometime later, she would be the one that ends up introducing me to my first boyfriend John. I'll never forget John, the first time I kissed him everything felt right. Everything felt like it was finally together. I knew that this was me, that it was who I was, I liked guys and no one could change that feeling. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't force myself to change. That sparked I was looking for with my relationships with girls, I found here with John instead.

One of the scariest moments in my life was the time someone saw John and me holding hands and confronted me about it. I remember freezing up, not knowing what to do or say. What I had with John I felt I shouldn't have to hide from anyone because he was a part of me and it mattered. So I picked up the courage to come out in late seventh grade by kissing John in the hallway when walking to class. It's something I'll never forget. Some people supported me, others hated me. Either way, nothing mattered as long as I had Tania and John. 

By the end of middle school, I realized I could not go on pretending I was attracted to girls. I dropped the whole bisexuality act, and acknowledged that I was gay. Eventually, John and I broke up. We were going to different high schools and the distance would've been too much to bear. While I wish it hadn't ended that way, I'll always hold him close to me not only for being my first boyfriend but for giving me clarity.