The Greatest Abomination

Coming Out

Coming Out

                I've pictured the moment I came out to my parents a million times in my head before. Where I would be, how old I would be, what I would say, and what I would imagine their reactions would be. I'd always decide against coming out to them because of fear of what they would say or do. Also because there was nothing in my life going on that made it worth telling my parents and changing our relationship over. I just didn't want them to think differently of me. Therefore, it's not an understatement when I say that it felt like my world came crashing down the day that my mom kept me in the car one day after school and told me someone had shown her my Twitter.                

                Immediately, I froze. I felt every part of my body go cold. I'm pretty sure that my heart stopped beating for a little bit. I was in complete disbelief. Speechless. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. So I let her do the talking.

“I'm going to start off by saying that I won't tell you who showed me, Andrew. Don't ask, because I won't tell. No hints, no clues. A family member who was concerned about you and had your best interests at heart came up to me at work and showed me and I'm glad they did. I saw so much disgusting things, I swear if it didn't have your pictures I would've said it wasn't you, it couldn't be. Andrew, how are you going to post that you're... gay... and talk about how bad you want to do these sexual acts? That's gross. That's not having any type of respect for yourself, even members of the gay community respect themselves enough to have the decency to keep their hormones to themselves. Why would you post all these explicit things like viewing porn and mocking our religion on someplace that everyone can see? The stuff I saw, the amount of vulgarity... There was a point where I just had to stop looking because it was too much to handle.”

                “No! None of it was supposed to be taken seriously! They're part of my sick, twisted black humor! They're defense mechanisms. My sarcastic and sardonic nature. I never meant for you to see it!” was something along the lines of what the response I was trying to conjure up would've sounded like, but the words never left my mind. I still couldn't speak. I needed to get out of the car. I needed some air, I couldn't breathe. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I wanted to die. I felt so many emotions running through me.

                In addition to the different strands of humiliation, shame, embarrassment, regret, and anxiety, I felt anger. Someone in my own family outed me. Not my household family, but an uncle, cousin, aunt, someone. I don't know who and that's something that's even more frustrating. I will never know who and I will never be able to properly process and receive closure on this. All I know is that it's someone who, instead of talking to me about it, bulldozed the closet door down and dragged me out. Someone who is supposedly a “loved one”, takes the biggest step in my life for me! Someone that doesn't even have the fucking courtesy to address me and talk to me first. Someone selfish enough to be a little bitch and let my mom know everything with no hesitation or consideration on how it would change our relationship, how it'd affect both me and her. Betrayed by my own blood. That's not what family does. Blood being thicker than water is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. The concept of family is flawed as fuck. Just because you share the same great grandma makes you all a nice, unconditional source of comfort?

                I feel no remorse in saying I choose my friends over my family any day. I'm not going to feel guilty for choosing acceptance, love, and care from someone just because they aren't related to me. To me, they're more of a family than my actual family is. My brain was processing a million things at once, I forgot my mom was still talking. I listened even though every part of me knew I'd be better off if I just tuned her out.

“Why do you think that you're... gay? You're not gay, Andrew. Just because you don't feel attracted to Mindy or Melanie? Because you haven't had a serious girlfriend yet? You shouldn't give yourself the label that you're gay, and assume that type of mentality when you don't even know for sure what you are at your age. You're changing, your body and thoughts and you're growing up, you can't be sure so soon. By taking on that type of mindset, you start to believe it and you're closing yourself off to the opportunity of ever being with a girl. I know you, and as a mom I know that you're not gay. You've simply gotten confused along the way. I saw that girl Tania's Twitter as well, and I know you used to be close friends with her. It's obvious that being around that, around people encouraging that type of behavior has influenced you to think this way. Also going shopping or to the mall with Mindy and Melanie, being their little “gay” friend. Talking about guys with you. By not questioning you about it and blindly accepting you, they're letting you sink further into believing you're something you're not. I honestly think you're just confused. You need to know that I'll always love you. Now, I've talked to your dad and he said he'll talk to you. Also, I think we should get some help, Andrew. From an expert. I want us to go to therapy.”

                It's like everything that you're not supposed to say to someone when they come out to you, she said. All of my worst fears came to light. My dad knows too? Wow, I'm gonna kill myself. Growing up in a very patriarchal, “macho” society in a third world country, I don't know what to expect. Before I could give thought to that disturbing feeling, I was sucked back to the car in school parking lot where it seems we've been parked in for the last decade. Therapy. She wants therapy. I understand that it came as a strong, sudden shock to her but... therapy? I'm not confused, but my wishful thinking decided this could be a chance for her to be the one to receive some clarity, or insight, or whatever. Maybe with a neutral third party, she could find it in her to see the truth for what it is. Or maybe even change her views a little. Because although this painfully long discussion didn't include anything religion-related, I know that homosexuality is not something she supports. I think that because every thought in her mind and hope in her body is hoping I'll change, she's not acknowledging it as something real yet. I finally found my voice again and said what I needed to say.

                “Mom, you have to understand that my Twitter should not be taken seriously. Everything you saw on there was a complete joke. I know it's a rude and vulgar way to joke and I admit that I was wrong in doing that. I do think I'm gay but I'm willing to go to therapy if it'll help us."

              We hugged and said nothing else on the drive home.