The Greatest Abomination

Therapy

It took three months after my mom finding out I was gay to get around to scheduling an appointment with a therapist. While I was still battling with my depression, I tried keeping myself busy. I made sure I always had some type of distraction available, I wouldn't be a victim to my depressing thoughts. This method worked for me for quite a bit, and when I got home from school one day and my mom told me the appointment was made I felt a little bit of optimism. I knew I couldn't expect her views to change, but maybe this is a step in the right direction for us. Maybe with this, she'll receive the sort of clarity, or comfort, or insight, which I had hoped for. I don't know – just something.

                When the day of the appointment came, I remember how anxious I felt in the waiting room. My heart was racing, my hands went cold. I didn't know what to expect from it. When we finally got called in, my anxiety was only enhanced. The first thing my mom did was tell me that she wanted to talk to the doctor personally, without me. I assumed the worst. I figured she'd be trying to paint a picture of me as some confused boy, easily influenced and unsure of what he wants. I tried putting my ear to the door but the walls were too thick, I couldn't hear. My wandering thoughts came to an end when the door opened and the therapist told me I could come in.

                My anxiety was still through the roof when I sat on the chair and therapist asked me why I thought I was here.

“Your mom kind of gave me a heads up, but now I want to hear from you. Why do you think you're here?” he said in a calm voice

“Well, recently someone showed my mom my Twitter where she found out, among other things, that I'm gay and she thought we should come here to help me “make sure” that this is what I am. Basically, to help me. But I came here to help her, I feel like she could benefit from it too because with a third party involved, maybe it'll help her change her views on homosexuality or see things in a different light.”

“How long have you known you were gay?”

“Ever since the hormones started kicking in, really.”

“So, as long as you can remember?”

“Basically.”

“And you've accepted it? You're fine with it?”

“I have, and I am.”

“What would you describe your mood as?”

“Well you know, sometimes its stressful having my mom think the way she does but whatever. I'd say my mood is okay.”

“How do you do in school?”

“I'm a straight A student, 4.6 GPA.”

“Wow. Impressive.”

I smiled. This isn't that bad.

“So, you do know that it's difficult for your mom to adjust to this change? Especially when religion is involved. Viewpoints change over time and generations, so you have to understand.”

“I know it's difficult, of course. I just don't see why it should be the end of the world or something, as if I'm throwing my life away. I don't think she realizes that I'm gay because it's what I genuinely feel, I think it's just something that she thinks was “influenced”.

Throughout this whole time, my mom had been sitting next to me. I didn't make eye contact but I knew she was listening. The therapist turned back to her.

“Well, Mrs. Smith, I have to be honest here. It doesn't sound like there's a problem with your son. From a psychological point of view, we don't consider being gay a type of mental disease. Homosexuality was previously considered a “problem”, but now we've realized that it's just a different orientation. Some men are just attracted to men the way other men are attracted to women. It sounds like the only work to be needed is resolving the conflicting viewpoints you have on the matter and work on accepting him.

The thing with homosexuality is that it's something that people have from birth. People don't simply “choose” to be gay. So, his friends or an absent father has no influence on orientation. He was always like that. What I suggest is some family therapy sessions, with his dad present so you guys can improve your communication.”

                My mom stayed silent and nodded her head. I was ecstatic. Finally, there's someone else to help combat my mom's ignorance. Someone who's an expert tell her that I'm not just pulling shit out of my ass, that she's being unreasonable. I felt relieved with this therapy session, I finally had someone on my side.

                It wasn't until we left the office and were twenty minutes into the car ride home when my mood was ruined.

“Andrew, let me be sincere. I didn't like that doctor at all. He was way too rushed. I knew not to expect too much from therapy and this just confirmed it. All the doctors care about is wrapping up with their patients to go onto the next one. They're on a timed schedule, which is why he agreed to everything you said. Of course he'll say that being gay is normal because it's what's convenient to him. Science will never be on the same side that faith is on. This goes back to the conversation we had about needing a strong base in morality, and being able to distinguish between what's right and wrong. I laughed when he told me it was a “generation thing”. Morals don't go out of style. Like I said, I never had high expectations for this. It was disappointing.”

“Seriously, mom? You're only saying that because he didn't say what you wanted to hear. How can you be so closed minded? He's an expert in what he does. Just because it's not some priest counseling us, who is probably the only person that would give advice you'd agree with, doesn't mean that he was wrong.”

“It's not that Andrew! He didn't even make any attempts to question you and ask if your feelings are genuine or if they are just confusion. And how is he going to say that being gay is something that occurs from birth and not caused by certain circumstances? Of course it may be caused by certain factors! Say some girl gets raped, and no longer wants the comfort of men anymore. She develops an inability to get close and intimate to men. She's mentally scarred from her experience that she seeks comfort in women. It's possible! There may be some cases where people are born gay, but that is due to birth defects, pregnancy irregularity, something. But with you everything was normal! There would have also been warning signs since you were a little kid, and there weren't. Just because you never had a girlfriend? That doesn't mean anything. Just give yourself a chance. Don't close yourself off to girls.”

“You're impossible, Mom. An expert told you himself, the scientific point of view, and you still refuse to believe it.”

“He can tell me that it's normal all he wants. What's that supposed to do? Change my views? I'm sorry. I told him, and now I'm telling you, I will never change my views. No matter how much therapy we get, that's just something I will never agree with, Andrew. I'm just going to pray a lot for you, and for all the other teenagers just as lost as you. I know, or at least hope, that if you give yourself the chance, your hormones will go back to normal.”

                I didn't bother replying. I stayed silent for the rest of the car ride. I was in disbelief. It's just something that seems so unreal to me. How could this be my reality? I wanted to scream. I once again felt hopeless. My mom would never change. She had just given me the confirmation. She thinks being gay is something that can be created by following a formula. Throw in the right amount of gay media, an absent father, maybe some traumatic experience, as well as some encouraging, accepting friends and you have all the elements in the equation to create a gay. Add some prayer to the mix to help undo the damage, and just like that you can be back to normal.

                That was the moment where I realized that this would be my life forever. The moment I realized I will never know true acceptance from my parents. The moment I officially gave up.