The Greatest Abomination

Self-Destruction

After the Black Friday blowout with my mom, we continued our days like we always did. Ignoring the problem instead of facing it. Our conversations never regarded anything gay, just as if it didn't exist. It's like we had two discussions and then she just hoped it went away, that I was cleansed. But what she said to me, the words that I replayed over and over again in my mind were anything but forgotten.

                They were beginning to take a toll on me for the worse. To know what her stances on things were, to know that she thought no love could ever exist between two people of the same gender. It's like as she was saying it, she didn't even acknowledge that she was saying it to her own son. That she was saying them to try to convince me out of being what I'm being, like the horror stories you tell your kids to try to stop them from doing drugs. It still hadn't hit her yet that... This was me. I wasn't going to change. But, neither were her views. The realization that I could never be happy and have her support at the same time came to me all of a sudden. And that, honestly, is probably the worst feeling ever.

                My life began to spiral out of control. I couldn't focus in school. My grades began to drop, everything was a mess. I had always been pretty good at compartmentalizing my feelings whenever something was going on. But after the conversation with my mom, I seem to have lost that ability. I was physically present but mentally I was a million miles away.

                One day I was in physics when my teacher was giving a lesson regarding atoms and protons and electrons.

“The electrons are attracted to the protons, negative to positive. Opposite charges attract, like charges repel. Think about it as if the electrons were a man and the proton a woman. The man seeks the woman, that's how it's always been. I'm not making this up, it's written in the Bible. That's how God said it was and that's how it's supposed to be. Not like in modern times were you see men with men and women with women, that is a taboo! Not normal. I know I don't have to worry about that here, though. This class is for Christians.”

                The words cut me like a knife. It's like I was hearing my mom's words all over again. I felt like throwing up. Not because I cared what my stupid ass homophobic teacher thought, fuck her. She's the biggest piece of shit in the entire world. I could honestly say that if I woke up tomorrow morning and found out she died, I wouldn't care because the type of person that she is, preaching ignorance and hate in a classroom environment, she's literally everything that's wrong in the world. Maybe that's the wrong way of thinking but I don't care. All of my experiences have shaped me into this – a careless asshole.

                 I could fight this. I could go to the administration office and report her. Making religious references in class, talking about how her class is a “Christian” class. Expressing outward homophobia to students. I could probably get her in serious trouble but no one would take me seriously alone. I'd need my mom's involvement. And that's what killed me. The reason my homophobic teachers' words hit me hard was because I heard my mom in her. To know that my mom would most likely agree with her... This experience was just what I needed to unhinge me completely.

                I had always been fortunate enough not to have known depression when I was younger. I never had a significant death in the family impact me, or a traumatic childhood event. Even the homophobia I faced from society never gave me this type of despair. But now, my mom's views regarding my life was eating away at me. It was wearing me down. My existence had just completely unraveled. I felt a type of hopelessness that was always there. Just feeling like complete shit because my mom thinks what I'm doing is so disgusting. It's not even like I could go to her for comfort because she was the cause of it! I didn't want to tell anybody because I didn't want their pity. It just fucking sucked.

                Another day, I was out with my sister and we were talking nonsense. Just messing around with each other, picking on each other. Until somehow the jokes stopped and we stumbled across the topic of gay marriage, where I found out she didn't support it. My twelve year old sister, telling me that she thinks homosexuality is abnormal. “Because it's in the Bible, and it's just gross.”

                It felt like more than a slap across the face. I knew it wasn't her fault, she was at an impressionable age and religion preys on the young, innocent, and gullible. Especially with the morals that my mom was laying down, all I could do is hope that she'll change as she matures. But in that moment, when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, I was proven wrong. That night, when I truly realized that my whole family was against me, I just fucking cried. I cried all night. All the tears I had been holding in since my mom confronted me and told me she found my Twitter, I let out. I had officially hit rock bottom. What did I do to deserve this? It's like the whole fucking universe is against me.

                It's even sadder to think that one day, I'll find the perfect guy and fall in love with him. He'll make me the happiest person in the world and sometime after being together, he'll take me out on the date of my life and ask me to marry him. And then I'll prep for my wedding, I'll make the invitations, I'll pick out the suit I'm going to wear, choose the wedding cake and then when the day finally comes I'll look out into the crowd and notice that my parents, my own fucking parents, hadn't even shown up to it. The seats reserved in their name will have remained empty. They'll have missed the greatest moment of my life, and because that, how could it ever be the greatest moment of my life? How could I ever associate marriage as something happy when I know it'll be one of the most devastating moments of my life? How could I ever even have the ability to connect with people intimately ever again, in hopes of reaching a point where marriage could even be a possibility, when all I will ever think about when I'm with a guy is how disapproving my parents are towards it?

                This is all so fucking fucked up. I think about the people that say that being gay is a choice. Who would choose this? Who would subject themselves to this type of prejudice and hatred? I'd give anything to change. I don't want this life anymore. This pain is real. Worse than any pain I had ever felt before in my life. Different from when Jason and I broke up. I felt crushed and destroyed in every way possible. I think about the person who caused all this. The unknown family member, if they even think about everything they did to me because of them. This person, whoever they were, ruined my life. They must have really fucking hated me because they tore me to fucking bits.

                The war inside my mind was winning before I even got onto the battlefield. It's not even like I could hate my mom for this, because she loves me. I wish she hated me. If she hit me or kicked me out for being gay. But she genuinely does care about me. She still buys me clothes I don't need, she still buys me anything I may need in school, and she still tries to be there for me despite her busy work schedule. She bends over backwards trying to get a day off when I have an award ceremony or school event. Which is why her thinking that being gay is the biggest mistake I'm making kills me. This whole situation is just so emotionally exhausting, I just...

                I don't see how things could ever improve from this point.