In Love With a Renegade

Chapter 15: All I Wanted Was You

Hayley's POV

I swiped at my tears as I drove, a bottle of Jack Daniel's and Vodka in the passenger seat, the Jack Daniel's already half empty. The image of Taylor with that other girl burned in my mind. It burned everything that I ever had. It burned me alive. Even when I did ask Taylor to explain, he said nothing. He just stood there, looking like the stunned idiot he is. And I loved that idiot. I still love that idiot.

     I sobbed harder as the image flashed in my brain again. I tried to drown it out by taking another swig of Jack. That did no good, so I tried Vodka. That didn't do a thing. I grabbed a cigarette and lit it as I held it between my lips. It wasn't the twentieth, nor has it been a month since I smoked. I just needed anything to get rid of that horrid image of Taylor with that slut of a stranger.

     The music from my radio was blaring, random songs playing. All I knew was that they were love songs, ironically. It sickened me, knowing that I was in love with another cheater. Taylor was my last hope. I gave him my last bit of trust in love, in humanity.

       My phone lit up and buzzed next to the glass bottles on the passenger seat. I looked over at it, finding Taylor's name and picture on the screen. I gripped the steering wheel tighter as I let out a frustrated scream. I declined the call and swiped at my never ending tears for the umpteenth time. Taylor called again. He wouldn't quit. I wouldn't answer. I didn't want to answer. I was still pissed at him.

        I took another chug of alcohol as I took a small break from my cigarette. In all honesty, I wanted to die. Death would feel a lot better than the pain I was feeling now. I finally came to a stop, not knowing where I was. I didn't care, anyway. I sat back, my palms pressed against my eyes as I sobbed even more. What did I do to deserve this? I would never want to hurt Taylor. I never wanted to hurt him. All I wanted was him.

     My phone rang again, making a chime next to my glass bottles. It was Taylor. He wouldn't stop until I answered. I answered the phone, full of anger.

"What?!" I growled through a shattered voice.

"Hayley, I'm sorry," Taylor said, his voice full of plea. I took another draw of my cigarette and blew a shaky cloud into the car.

"Are you, really?" I snarled. "Did you say that to the girl you were about to do before you left?"

"Hayley, we didn't do anything! I-I don't know her at all! If you just listen--"

"I've listened and I've heard it all, York! I've heard it all and I'm sick of it!"

"Hayley, listen to me! We didn't do anything! I don't know her at all! After you left, she dragged me upstairs and started kissing me! I tried to fight her off, I swear!"

"I hate you!" I screamed. "I hate you, I hate you! I fucking hate you!"

"Hayley, babe..."

"Don't call me babe if you're going to be on some other chick! If I mean nothing to you, don't pretend like you do just to humor me!"

"Hayley, you mean everything to me! You know that!"

"I don't even know what to think anymore," I sighed as I held in another sob. I failed to keep it. Taylor sighed on the other end.

"Where are you?" he asked after a moment.

"How the fuck am I supposed to know!" I cried. I looked out the window, finding grey clouds coming closer and becoming darker. "I'm on a bridge."

"Stay there," Taylor said. "I'll be there in a bit and we'll talk it out." I said nothing. I couldn't with the cries that took my voice. "I love you, Hayley."

"Bye," I spat before hanging up. I took my wallet out of my pocket and took my blade out. Maybe I can just get rid of the pain by distracting myself with stronger pain. It was also pain worth remembering, just like the others. I drew lines on my wrists, but found no more space. I looked up, finding it already raining hard. I looked back down at the blade and lifted my shirt, exposing only my stomach. I started to cut there, blood following the small knife.

Taylor would be upset if he found out about this, I thought to myself. I had to stop cutting, even though it seemed impossible. I had to stop cutting for Taylor, no matter how much of an ass he could be. It would be worth it. At least I think it would be.

      I got out of the car and tossed the blade into the river below me as the rain quickly drenched my body and clothes. I didn't want to go back in the car, considering I've been in there for quite a while with cramped legs. So I stood there, leaned against my car as the rain mixed with my tear-stained face.

      Moments passed and Taylor's car drove up, parking a few feet away from me. He quickly got out with an umbrella and ran towards me.

"What the hell are you doing!" he scolded. "It's pouring!"

"I don't care," I said with a shrug, my voice gone due to my raw throat. "Why do you care?"

"Hayley, I don't know her," he repeated. I said nothing. I turned away from him as I tried to light another cigarette, failing at my attempt. "What're you doing?"

"Having a smoke," I spat, already frustrated with the lighter.

"It's not going to work. It's raining--"

"I DON'T CARE!" I screamed. I tossed the cigarette down and shoved the lighter back in my pocket as fresh, hot tears fell down my face. I ran a hand through my wet hair, which was going to frizz later on. But I didn't care about that either. "I just don't want to be here, anymore," I mumbled to myself. "Not in this condition. Not if it includes being hurt like this repeatedly."

"Then, what do you care about, Hayley? All I've heard from you, tonight, is that you don't care. What do you care about, then?"

"I care about us, York!" I stated as I turned to him. "I care about us! I care about you! I don't even care about myself anymore!" I couldn't stop crying anymore. It just happened, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. "I never did care about myself! I don't care what happens to me; I only care about you, Taylor York! No one or nothing else!"

"You must care about yourself, with all those walls you put up," he said.

"What walls?! I don't have any walls to put up! Even if I did, they're too weak to stay up!" He said nothing. He studied me for a minute, then looked at the wet ground. I pushed my fingers through my hair again as I watched Taylor. "All I wanted was you, Taylor," I cried. "That's all I wanted. But I guess I can't."

"That's where you're wrong," Taylor said, looking up at me. "You have me, Hayley. I'm right here."

"Really? Because last time I saw you, you were with some random slut!"

"No, Hayley. Believe me, I don't know her. She pulled me with her; it was under my will!" I searched his eyes, hoping with everything in me that he was telling the truth. Taylor has never lied to me. Why would he do it now? I nodded with a sigh.

"I believe you," I said after a moment. He approached me and pulled me into a hug, the umbrella covering us from the rain.

"C'mon, let's go home. I'll let you follow me," he said. I nodded and went back in my car. "I love you," he said, his eyes searching mine. "I really do."

"I know," I said with a nod. "I love you too."