In Love With a Renegade

Chapter 17: Are We Over, Now?

I woke up to Hayley facing the wall, still asleep. I smiled, happy to see her next to me after the sun rose. I planted a kiss on her shoulder, her skin still as soft as I remember it being last night.

"Hey," I whispered against her skin.

"Taylor?" My heart stopped, fear almost paralyzing me. I managed to blow a quiet, shaky sigh, hesitating to rest my hand on her hip.

"Yeah?" I managed to choke out through a dry throat. I knew something was wrong.

"Can I be honest?" Hayley asked with a sigh.

"Sure, what is it?"

"I'm not... happy," she admitted. I propped myself up so I was able to see her face. It was tear-stained, black smudges blending with the dark circles under her eyes. I could tell Hayley hadn't slept at all last night.

"Why?" I asked. Was I doing something wrong? Was I the reason? "What can I do to change that?"

"It's not you, York," she said as she rolled over to face me. "It's me."

"Hayley, babe--"

"I think it's best if I just stay alone." I felt a pang in my chest, almost as if my heart had literally been shattered like glass.

"What're you trying to say?" I asked, fear being audible in my voice. Hayley blew a sigh as she got out of the covers and crawled to the other side of the bed. I grabbed onto her arm before she got off the bed. "What does this mean, Hayley?"

"I can't do this," she cried. "You and me... I can't do it anymore."

"Hayley, we were just fine," I said. "What happened? Did I do something? Did I say something?"

"It's not you, York," she managed to say. "It's not you at all."

"Then, what is it? Did you find someone else?"

"No one could ever mount up to you," she admitted, giving me a weak smile. "I told you already, it's me."

"Hayley, I'm fine with the way you are. I love you just as you are. Why can't you see that?"

"I understand that, Taylor," she sighed. "You've done everything you could to keep me happy, and I really am grateful. Honestly."

"Then, why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm not happy."

"In the relationship? With me? What is it? Be specific!"

"Just in general, okay?!" she sobbed. She took a few deep breaths to control her tears, so she would be able to speak. "Taylor, being with you was the best thing ever. I swear to God, nothing could ever replace that for me."

"Then, why are you leaving?" I repeated, my voice being more stern. My words sounded more like a demand than a question.

"I need to be alone," Hayley said. "I'm sorry, Taylor."

"Hayley, stop calling me Taylor," I said firmly. "Please, just don't call me that."

"Well, it would be wrong to call you York, wouldn't it? Especially at a time like this." Hayley reached down to her pile of clothes and started to put them on.

"Was I your little toy?" I asked, acid dripping from my words. Hayley snapped her head back to me, an offended expression on her face.

"No!" she yelled. "No, not at all! Taylor I really do love you!"

"Then, stay," I begged. Hayley shook her head with a sigh and continued to put her clothes on. I quickly did the same. She made her way out of the room as she slipped on her shoes; I followed her.

"Why are you leaving?" I asked.

"I can't be with you," she said as she wiped her tears. "I just can't be with you."

"Are you embarrassed of me, or something?"

"No, Taylor. I'm not."

"Then, tell me what the fuck is going on!" Hayley turned to me as we stood by the front door.

"I don't deserve you," she said simply.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I don't deserve you."

"What, like I'm a dream come true?"

"No!" Hayley ran her hands through her hair with a frustrated sigh. "I don't mean it like that. It's just... you deserve someone better. Someone who isn't a wreck."

"You're not a wreck, Hayley," I yelled. She pursed her lips as she looked up at nothingness, her eyes already drowning with tears.

"Taylor, I don't want to fight about this, okay?" she said, wiping at the tears that escaped her pained eyes.

"Then, tell me why you want to leave! I'll fix things, I promise! I'll do whatever it takes; just stay by me." Tears sprang to my eyes without permission. I was never the emotional type, but if something or someone dear to me was at risk of being taken away, emotions always won its way with me.

"Taylor--"

"Hayley, you seriously don't get it, do you?" I asked, my voice disappearing as my throat became raw. "I love you! I don't care if you cut; if you smoke; or if you go to parties just to get drunk! I still find you perfect because of your flaws! I don't care what you do, I will still love you! And no matter how hard I try to push that fact away, it'll always be there."

"Taylor, please," she begged with a sigh. "I can't take it anymore. I have to go."

"Hayley, no--" My words were cut off by Hayley closing the door in my face as she ran to her car, crying. An angered scream was released from me as I slammed my fist against the wall. The pain never triggered to my hand. Only my heart. I couldn't let Hayley go that easily.