Pensamientos que naufragan en el mar de los Incomunicados

My Self Worth

It is that thing of which I would have learned in my later years that was so important, so repeated, so insistive. Without it I payed my dues by a constant change in masks to shield me from the oncoming storms.

It is that thing of which without it I felt every singular dagger come across my chest and manage to drag the tears from my face, it was so continuos, so unneeded, so effective.
The only thing that I could help cope with was the side eyed look to the giant script that dictates the rules and the norms.

After being shattered to the smallest version of myself with nowhere to hide, constantly searching but never anywhere to go, lost withing me.

It was when I was crouched in a corner with my head between my knees and hands over my head that it first appeared. The last line of defense that would keep me from that feeling of wanting to disappear.

I discovered I would bow to no one, no more rules, norms, idiocracy, orders, expectations, empty promises, pretentiosness or reasons to justify.

No more sense of longing, confusion, lack of understanding, withstanding, pretending or excuses. I realized these were deterrents of my anger, frustration, helplessness, fears and the loudest cry.

I found myself withing myself and built a structure of ambience, control, limits and capabilities. Like a giant puzzle fitting pieces together to find what makes me worthy of living.

From then on I became what you all know, someone who strives for more, searching to surpass and be a better version of himself constantly in the Frontline against any and all opposition to that of which I hold dear. The brave dog, the loyal companion, the friend, the informant, the helper, the sympathy, the endless support, the love you never asked for.

My new found 'self worth' became the engine that moves me and is almost perfect to manage...

... but then I found a critical flaw in what I became.

Constant regulations, knowledge and deep understanding of myself took away the fragile and often sensible part of my species...

I wanted a walking tank willing to withstand anything no matter what mask wants to be on me, I would no longer feel frustration, anger, fear, longing, sadness, paranoid...

... I was wrong.