Strangers

gianna

Gianna's POV:

   I'm a fool to want you.
  I'm a fool to want you.
To want a love that can't be true
A love that's there for others too.

   The record played in cue with my emotions. It wasn't even two in the afternoon and I had a bottle of fine whisky on my hand. I was sitting on the couch in a drunk daze going over a few memories. When my eyes started to water then I'd take another drag of the bottle until the pain on my chest turned to warmness in my belly.

  All this circus was caused by me. Josh and Vienna were never meant to be, it was my fault I put those two together. My stupidity and immaturity caused this turmoil. I wasn't all pained that I caused Vienna this; more so self-pity. I was in my own pity party because the man I have loved way before Vienna has is not in love with me.

   It wasn't supposed to end that way. None of it was supposed to last that long. It wasn't meant to happen that way.

   I thought it would be funny that one night doing a drinking game on my freshman year of college. Vienna was nerdy and it was funny to mess with her. It was supposed to be a short prank, maybe two months worth,but it extended to full ten years. I knew her since high school and we weren't close friends until college. I just thought it'd be funny to mess with her; get her out of the uptight shell.

  After a couple of drinks I came up with the idea that Josh should get involved with her, you know, to mess with her but emotions got involved. Josh and I were lovers throughout and before their relationship. I didn't like the idea of them anymore when I grew more in love with Josh and my friendship furthered with Vienna. I got to know her emotions like an open book. I used to think it was funny, her crying over Josh when I had him wrapped around my finger already; but as time grew I felt horrible. I was the other woman. I was the woman Josh would wander to when nights were lonely, when Vienna wasn't enough.

  I knew he loved her in his own way, and I was reminded when at times he'd mutter her name in his sleep. I grew tired of sharing him. Out of pure idiocy I thought sharing him was a good idea; a hilarious one, but then it dawned to me that I didn't want to share anymore. I didn't want to hold Joshua and smell her. I didn't want to share his body, his mind, or his heart. 

  It wasn't just Vienna I'd let Joshua whore around with. I wasn't a saint either, but it hurt like hell knowing that him sleeping with other women is because he likes it, and I sleep with other people to forget about him.

  At times I envied Vienna, but her nativity to the situation made me feel bad for her. She truly believed that Joshua was all hers until the time she found nudes of other girls on his phone with flirty text messages. She never found out about Josh and I. She trusted me with all her heart, and I hated that I caused all her distress. I never deserved her kindness, loyalty, and trust. I guess I deserve being unhappy as I was right now.

  Josh was never going to change for me, and I suppose that's what hurts the most. He'll always have genuine feelings for me, but he'll never change for me. He'll change for no one; I'm prisoner to his own games and toxicity. Because his eyes are the ones I fall into. I'm a total sucker when his arms are around me and his lips are on mine. I hated knowing that he loved Vienna in a way that I'll never be loved by him.

  I hated that I was an option. I hated that Vienna and her virtue brings men to love her, because she's fierce but sweet. I hated that Josh still believes he has a chance with her, and he shares his thoughts about her with a few drinks. I hated Vienna because she was all I wasn't.

  I don't know if I should be happy that she left and our friendship has ceased. I always felt guilty being around her, but my hate for her kinda overshadowed that guilt; my jealousy. Vienna has been out of Josh's life for months, but her impact is the same. Josh never ceases to show me that I'll never be that woman. I'll never be a woman; just some side lover. I'll never be treasured. And I know I should stop seeing Josh but I couldn't even if I wanted to. I was helpless when it came to him.

  I love Josh with everything that I have. So much so that I've been borrowing money from various people to pay for his gambling and alcohol addictions. He calls and begs for money, and I, stupid, oblige and get caught on webs of problems. That night on the club with Vienna, a knife on my throat, was a warning to pay my debts. I have been spending too much money and asking my parents seemed out of reach. My parents cut me out of their money supply when they saw the extensive amount I was pulling out to pay other people. Now I was stuck. I had people after me wanting their money, but I didn't have any to give.

  I've sold my jewelry and other expensive things but it doesn't cover all my debt. I was in my lowest point on my life. I screw up everything I get close to. My life was fucked up to the point that I wonder if I should just take up a new identity and live somewhere else, far away. But Josh was here and he wouldn't run away with me. He's tied to the routine here, and Vienna.

  I tried to leave him but everything brings me back to him. I can't help but compare every person I meet to him. Josh is everything to me. He has been the love of my life for a long time now; but our relationship status was the same: no one committed. I was his favorite person to fall into. He likes the rush with me. He knows me, and knows that I'll give him the feel no other woman can give him. I'm toxic too; we were both bad people that liked being with each other. But I'll never be what he wants. I'm what he needs at times, but he has never wanted me to be his woman. I was a fool to want him. I really was. I've been anchored to him for so long. He's the reason that I have a bottle on my hand since seven in the morning. He's the reason I can't sleep. He's the reason I live; I'd do anything for him. And on contrast; I'm nothing to him.

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