Strangers

an icing to my cake

    I have been operating mechanically these few weeks. I pulled a professional cover at work, and I didn't talk to Gianna about it while at home. She knew that if I didn't want to talk about it she can't push it. She's used to my silence. Every day after work I went to the hospital.

   People say that people in a coma could hear everything you say, but it hasn't really been the case with Harry. He was always still. There was never a moment where he twitched that made me hopeful. He was just... In a dead like state. I talked to him, even if I knew he probably never heard me. My hopefulness was just stupid. I hoped that one day he'll wake while I'm there, but I always disappoint myself.

   Gianna mentioned a man that came by, expecting a date with me the time I just rushed to Harry. The day that Harry would be in that state. I felt horrible I let Jace down. I quickly texted him I was sorry and explained with little detail of what kept me from him; fake detail. I lied that one of my family members was sick in the hospital and with that he felt horrible and was understanding. I hated lying to him, but I couldn't just say the truth. Oh yeah, um sorry, I missed our date being well, my fuck buddy (who I might add is a drug addict) is in the hospital for an overdose and he is currently in a coma.

 
  Home was a place where I took every mask off and just let my depression whirl me to oblivion. Guilty was an understated word of how terrible I felt for letting Harry down.

  I sighed when I heard my door open. Gianna has been quiet around me, but I knew she was worried nonetheless. She didn't want to push me, but she knew I was miserable.

   "Vienna, sweety, you need to snap out of whatever is making you this way." She sat on the edge of my bed, putting a curl behind her ear as she looked for some type of emotion in my eyes. I had a blank expression, just hugging my pillow like how I've been doing the past two weeks.

   I kept quiet and I heard her sound of agitation in her sigh.

   "Vienna what the hell is wrong with you? Really? You need to tell me what's wrong you can't just go to your room everyday, miserable. This is the worse I've ever seen you." She said quietly, sadness edged to her voice. "I need my best friend back."

  "I know if I tell you, you'd just tell me to get over it and go party. Not everything can be fixed with some alcohol, music, and men. I'm not like that Gianna, even if you have provoked me to be like that. I'm not you in any way. I am myself, and that's how I handle myself. This," I pointed to being in bed, "is how I handle myself." I was agitated, I knew how my best friend was. She always resolved problems that way. She was always immature, she never grew out of the daze of being 21. She never handled her pain, she just went to party it.

  She stared at me quiet, knowing it was true. "I may handle my pain differently, but at least I'm not miserable. I am always optimistic, and lately you've been a sad bitch, drowned in bitterness. I just want to know what's wrong and you're doing everything to push me away when you need me most. You think that being alone will solve any type of problem, you think that shutting yourself off is being strong! But you're the weakest person I've met! Your sentiment is your downfall, your attachment to things. You always go back to Josh, or go do some other thing to make you forget about him, which frankly, makes you weak. You think I haven't noticed your destructive behaviors, such as this one? Get over yourself Vienna and admit you need help! Stop trying to act like a strong one, and for the love of God let me help you before you push me too far away, because lately I've been tired of it." She had snapped, and it was the first time I've ever seen her with such furry...and against me. Her rant was enough to make my vision blurry and my body tremble. I was hurt, but I was mostly mad. I was mad that she called me weak. Just because I am not open with my feelings doesn't make me weak! What the hell is wrong with her! And lately I haven't even run to Josh! I haven't even thought about him. I was mad at myself for pushing her away but what business does it concern to her! Friendship could only go so far with emotional depth.

   I laughed, my mind whirling in anger. Gianna, my best friend, was literally telling me that I'm weak. Let me rephrase that, the weakest person she knows.

   "You know what, Gianna, I'm honestly so tired of you. I'm tired of living with someone so immature. I am tired that you're either stuck in the mindset of a 14 year old, or a 21 year old. Key thing to understand; immature with either age. I'm tired of hearing your shit when I less need it. I have been through hell and back, do you honestly think it has occurred to you that I don't need to check back to you every emotional downfall I have. If you're so tired of me being, and I quote, 'a sad bitch drowned in bitterness', then I can arrange a solution. I'm going to move out." My voice was dipped in acid, each word had so much resentment. I was so angry, no scratch that, so fucking furious, that she had the audacity​  to speak her mind to me about me being weak. I have prided myself of being strong, an individual, someone who needed no one.

   Gianna was flabbergasted to say the least. Her face looked pained but the look disappeared before I had the chance to feel sorry. She was as angry as I was."That arrangement would be perfect, I wouldn't have to deal with your lame ass attitude." She stalked out of my room as I began to pack things angrily.

  Well damn you, life, guess I just lost my best friend of longer of ten years. I have lost the love of my life. I have lost my fuck buddy. I guess I have lost everything.

  Just a big fat icing to my cake. I lost my best friend.

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