Sweatshirts in July *Solby*

July 2nd

30 days 

 Colby is still here, he has shown up everyday. I wish he wouldn't. Yesterday he actually gave me hope. I still have his dreams written down. I wish I had normal dreams like him, he gave me hope that I could but I can't. My mind is different. I'm broken, I have too many pieces to find and put back together. Normal to me is hearing my own voice inside my head whisper that I'm worthless and that dragging a razor across my wrist is living. Pain makes me feel alive. The idea of death exhilarates me. I'm nothing. I want to end this vicious cycle of pretend hope starting and failing again and again. I have a plan. It'll take time but the cycle will end.  

 The blonde boy fell into his routine of closing his notebook and setting it besides him. Colby sat in the corner with nothing left to fill the room with, exposing everything about himself to Sam the other day. He wished the blonde boy would speak but knew he couldn't push him. Samuel Golbach was different, broken, and ultimately scared even if he did hide it so well. Colby Brock didn't care about how many days he would have to sit in deafening silence, he vowed he would get Sam to open up to him no matter what. He wasn't going to give up on the boy, neither would his mom because the Brock's found a motto that they now swore they were going to live by, 'every life is worth saving and every life is worth living.' Samuel Golbach deserved to be saved, he deserved to live and it was Colby's job to try and get him to understand that, 

 "Why?" The simple word caused Colby to jump as Sam stayed straight faced as he stared at the startled brunette. Colby stuttered over his words as he stared right back at Sam, this was the first time the boy looked directly at him and to say he was beautiful was an understatement, "W-W-Why what?" Colby managed to choke out as Sam only tilted his head slightly towards the right as he licked his chapped lips, "Why do you keep coming here. Surely you could make better money else where." Sam deadpanned, his face never once leaving its former position, 

"Uh-" Colby was lost for words. He knew he wanted to help Sam, he could care a less about the money but why? Sure he saw something worth helping in the boy but as he said before what was the point of helping someone who doesn't want the help? Sure he made a promise to him mom when they made that new vow with that motto but why? What drew him to commit to it? What was it about the broken boy that conned him into continue coming to want to help him? Sam let out a cough pulling Colby out of his thoughts, 

 "Why? Honestly Golbach I don't know. It's something about you that makes me want to come back to help you. Something tells me I can save you." Sam let out a rough laugh that filled the small room. He doubled over in hysterics as he gave Colby a funny look. It was Colby's turn to now be confused as he tilted his own head slightly, 

 "You're not the first person to want to save me. Let me tell you something Brock, I'm broken, I'm too shattered to be pieced back together. You're not going to be able to save me. Talking, keeping me company, or what ever else you have planned isn't going to change the chemical make up of my brain. I will always want to kill myself. I will always hear those little whispers of voices in my head. You are truly an idiot if you think you or anyone else are going to save me." Colby's eyes widened as Sam's rant came to a close as he turned away from Colby. Silence filled the air as Sam anxiously played with his sweatshirts long sleeves. Colby tried to hold back tears he didn't know where they were coming from. He managed as his eyes burned, 

 "Your right. What is the point of me being here if I can't save you? Sure I can't change your thoughts or how your head hurts. I know I can't possibly piece you back together. You're right. It's impossible and I'm a fool for even believing that I had the power to change that. Nothing I do can save you so why am I here?" Sam sat in stunned silence as Colby's voice broke, the brunette didn't understand why he was so emotional or why he cared but it was too late to question it now. He was broken too, his emotions a mess. He wished his mom wouldn't have dragged him into her work life, he wished he had never met the mess known as Samuel Golbach. Thanks to the pale blonde boy Colby promised his mom something he couldn't keep. How is a life worth living if the life you live is full of unwanted thoughts no one can fix? Samuel Golbach made Colby question everything he thought he had learned in just the two days he had been here. He wanted to be right that Sam's life was worth it to live and that he could save him but wasn't just a child like dream that he could save someone just by talking to them? Words can't change the chemical make up of one's head. Sorry doesn't fix someone's arm that you broke so why did his mother and him think words could fix a suicidal boy's mind? 

 "Don't look so broken Brock, I'm sure you will figure out some other reason why you're here. It doesn't matter if your wrong and I'm right, we're still stuck together aren't we?" Sam chuckled dryly as Colby looked up at the broken boy as he shook his head, 

 "Sure. We're still stuck together. I may not be able to save you but I can do one thing." Colby muttered as a small smile made it's way onto his lips, 

 "What would that be Brock?" 

"I can become your friend Golbach. I won't try to save you but I will listen. Everyone needs a friend." 

A/N: This is actually really interesting to write because I don't want to make the depression or suicidal thoughts too over the top and I don't want to fall into the cliche of love can fix a mental health problem because it can't so I hope I'm doing okay with that? Thank you for all the comments and votes though, they mean the world to me <3 ~Nightmare