This one shot has been beta-ed by three people and heavily revised. It's the best writing thing (Probably) I've done by myself in a while. Also, there's some l a n g u a g e in here for dramatic effect so just know that going in. And... Enjoy! -L
It's cold in the Carolinas. Which is strange really, because it's the South. When has it ever been cold in the South? In his earlier days when he and John would come to his old home in Charleston, it was always warm. Alex can't recall the last time it wasn't warm, but that's not really surprising when taken into account how full his brain constantly is.
He's sitting on the ground next to John Laurens. He hears a deep rumble overhead, but that's all the more he registers. All bark and no bite, nothing after that initial growl.
"Y'know," Alex mumbles after a while. "It's been so long since I've seen you. Kinda wish you were more conversational."
John doesn't respond, so Alex continues. "The idiots back at camp didn't even tell me about the last battle. Stupid, I shoulda been the first to know. Except for Washington, of course."
There's a long pause before he speaks again. "Eliza's doing really well by the way. Philip is more handsome than a kid his age has any right to be, but what can I say? He's my son." Alex laughs shallowly. He doesn't look, but he imagines that John cracks a smile.
It begins to drizzle, but neither man moves. "I've been thinking, John," he starts. "No I know, always thinking, just listen though. Back when we were younger and we'd make love in our cabin. It was stupid sex mostly, but then there was a storm and I freaked out and you helped me and told me you loved me." Alex smiles fondly at the memory. "You remember that? And I grinned so big and then you started telling me you loved me every day. If you were hurt that I never said it back, you didn't tell me." The man pauses for a breath, but extends his break into a time for reflection. "Were you hurt?" Alex doesn't expect an answer and doesn't get one.
"Then I came back and I married Eliza. You and I- John I thought it was momentary and I knew we couldn't last because everyone says that what we had was a sin. With Eliza it just felt so easy, whether or not it felt right. Even then you were so happy for me! I- God it's still so confusing, it made me wanna cry when you stopped telling me you loved me. I never said it back, then I went off and got married. I never even asked how you felt! You didn't offer it up though. It's been years, John, but I still feel the same way I did back in Valley Forge," Alex confesses. "It was cold then too."
Alex begins to shake as the rain pours down. It pelts his back, each drop akin to a pebble, altogether hitting him like a meteor shower. "Are you cold? I'm freezing. Damn it John, I'm so cold. I have been, longer than it's been raining in this godforsaken town of yours. I think it started when you left for that battle with your black battalion and I didn't even say goodbye." He doesn't notice, but tears begin to slip down his cheeks.
"I didn't get to say I love you, and now you're six fucking feet under!" Alex lets out a hysterical laugh, chest starting to heave. "I'm gonna get frostbite but I won't leave you again, not 'till after I've said my piece." Sobs set into his body, making his trembling all the worse.
"I love you John! I love you so much and I was too scared to say it, even after you'd said it a thousand times and there was nothing to be scared of! Not after I let you go and you still stayed and I lost you over and over and I knew, see I knew I love-loved you and I didn't say shit! And even, even in our letters when that became the only way we'd talk, you were still so kind and I was so cold. I was such an ass, John! You were affectionate in both the letters themselves and the closures. You'd say such kind things and I sealed myself off from your infectious love. I froze both our friendship and relationship in my attempt to save myself. You... might have died thinking I no longer cared for you at all." Alexander is drenched now as he kneels in front of the grave of his best friend and lover, the knees of his pants soiled with mud.
"I love you," he repeats. "Though I figure it doesn't do much good to say it now. John, dearest, if there's an afterlife, and you can hear me now, I will leave here in peace. If there's something after this... I can't wait to see you again."
