One shots - Phan

Actions speak louder than words

Everyone gets bored.
Everyone gets tired of speaking. Actions speak louder than words I suppose. But what if your actions aren't even good enough? What if, the person you love refuses to acknowledge your actions, and it just turns into a giant fuck up of guilt and anger and sadness all at once.
But actions speak louder than words.
Sometimes it works. When you want to make a point and you use your actions correctly and the person you love takes them and says 'okay'. But sometimes they don't and you end up a babbling mess on your bed at 1 in the morning. Sobbing into your pillow so quiet so you don't wake up your parents. Every night until you feel so empty.
But sometimes empty isn't enough.
So you cover it up during the day, and you don't tell that person you're sad, and you let them keep using you. And you let them fuck you and handle you as if they love you, but at the end of the day as soon as you leave that room someone else is on their mind. But you keep coming back.
Because actions speak louder than words.
And they haven't made a move on that person, so you still have the one-up. But it's not enough to make you feel something you want to, and it's the first time you're contemplating your life since you were 13. And you're 18 now, you're technically an adult. But things still hurt like they did when you were 13 but more. And you're sobbing to your love's best friend about how you want to die and that you hate living here.
And then they message you.
And you know that the best friend has said something to them, because they don't ever speak out, asking if you're okay. But you lie and say you're fine because you can't dare to tell them that you're sitting on your bed crying, hacking at your leg as you try to find some sort of pain that will rid the pain in your chest and your head.
So actions speak louder than words.
And you've only ever said that you'd kill yourself, and you've never acted on your impulses. And you think about it for a long time. And the crying stops, and the breathing slows. And this time you act your words.
And you try it.
And it works.