One shots - Phan

Set my heart on fire

Phil rolled over on his bed, curling up into the tightest ball he could, shaking. The only thing in the room lighting him up was the glow of his laptop screen, fixed on twitter, waiting for nothing in particular to show up. Phil's problem right now; he was scared.

Everything reminded him of Dan; the song playing on repeat, the smell of his duvet, the fan whizzing in his ear, the candle burning above his head. Nothing could get that damned boy out his mind - and it was driving him insane.

Dan was a friend and a friend only, nothing more, nothing less. Yes, he may be god knows how far away, but that didn't mean Phil was allowed to think like this; or so that's what he was telling himself.

The song played again for the fifteenth-billion time that night, as a new tweet came up on his laptop. Just another collaboration.

Phil sighed, shutting his laptop down and letting the room plummet into darkness. His heart sat low in his gut, making him feel restless and sick, as though he was about to vomit. Tears threatened to spill from his shielded eyes, his glasses making it uncomfortable to lay and fall asleep. Biting his lip, Phil dug his nails into the sides of his stomach, pulling on the fat and clawing at it, wishing for it to just vanish.

He'd done so much exercise this holiday, focusing on nothing more than getting rid of all this fat sitting on his body, making him feel worthless and ugly. He'd tried everything to take his mind off the fact he was in no way happy with his figure and the way his brain made him look like a whale in the mirror; torturing him until he was a blubbering mess in the bathroom, blade in hand.

Of course Phil blamed his heart for this - constantly craving attention that he got so much of but made sure he constantly felt alone, even whilst he was sitting right next to his best friend. In the photos Phil took he always looked happy, but the smile hid the hurt perfectly for his friends to not think there was anything wrong. Every bite, every drink, made Phil feel even more worthless as he chomped hungrily on the countless calories, ready to throw them up that exact night. But it wouldn't stop the fact that he'd already consumed the dreaded things, so the fat sat there, in his stomach.

With Dan half way across the world, there was no stopping Phil as he sobbed harshly into his pillow, curling up even further into himself, his glasses steaming up as his breath hit the soft comforter. The fan dried the tears quickly, making his cheeks sticky as he heard his brother laughing with his girlfriend in the other room, making him feel even more alone than he already was.

He hated it, but Phil was starting to depend on Dan. And that was bad.

Phil was older than Dan, by a margin, and he couldn't put his life on the shoulders of a younger just because he couldn't handle the fact everything got a bit too much a lot of the time. It hadn't even been twelve hours since Dan last messaged him, but that didn't stop Phil from thinking Dan was purposely ignoring him. Dan probably hated him.

But Phil couldn't take Dan hating him. For some odd reason it broke Phil's heart when he thought about someone even replacing Phil's spot in Dan's life, degrading him to 'just a friend'.

It was the inevitable one day; Phil was never good enough for anyone. After the countless relationships that had crashed and burned, he'd come to the conclusion that he'd never be able to love someone properly, or at least how you're meant to love someone. It broke him, but Phil would have to deal with being alone forever, because that was how it was going to be.

Alone, setting his heart on fire with the memories of when he had something.

<><><><><>

Once again, I'm sorry. I haven't been this bad in a long time.

Te amo,

Mitzu

Xx

P.s. Don't take anything I ever say to heart.