WILD // Johnnyboy

°Ponyboy°

TRIGGER WARNING: THERE'S A CUTTING PART IN THE CHAPTER

"Ponyboy aren't you hungry?" Soda asks pointing to my plate. We're having chicken, potatoes and corn but I haven't touched my plate.

"No," I say pushing the plate away from me. Soda gives Darry a look and Darry scoots his chair closer to me.

"Look, I know you're upset but you'll get to see him soon I promise, we just need this to blow over and for the Socs to calm down." He says. I stare at him lifeless and think about what he forced me and Johnny to do.

....

"Okay, so Dallas and I have talked this over and we even talked to Cherry and Randy to see what we can do about this situation." Darry starts. Without looking at me Johnny holds onto my hand and sits closer to me.

"And uh..." Dallas looks at Darry disapointed and finishes. "We don't think you two should see each other anymore." I let go of Johnny's hand and shoot up getting in Dallas' face. I don't care if he's tough or whatever I'll be damned if they try to take Johnny away from me.

"What the hell do you mean we shouldn't see each other anymore?!" I yell pushing Dallas.

"No Ponyboy, it's not like that-" Darry says trying to pull me away from Dallas.

"Don't touch me!" I yell pushing him away.

"Ponyboy..." Darry says.

"Johnny means everything to me! Why would you take the one person who gives my life some sort of meaning away from me?" Darry and Dally look at me guilty and I scoff. "So think breaking us up is going to change anything?" 

"Well it's not just breaking you guys up, we're completely separating you two," Darry answers. 

"What the hell does that mean?" I ask.

"We also talked to Two-Bit and Steve, they agreed to live with Johnny in California," Dallas says. Johnny puts his head in his hands and I shake my head and sigh.

"This is fucking bullshit," I mutter.

"Excuse me?!" Darry yells.

"I SAID THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!" I scream. Darry comes forward but Johnny shoots up and gets in front of me.

"Darry no! I-I-I'll do it, okay? I'll live with Two-Bit and Steve, or whatever, okay?" He asks, Darry nods and calms down.

"Johnny-" Johnny turns around and cuts me off.

"It's going to be fine," he says, he turns back around and continues talking. "When do I leave?"

"Tomorrow," Dallas answers. Johnny's eyes widen but he nods.

"Okay, that's fine." He says.

"Come on Darry, we'll be gone for the night," Dallas says pulling Darry away. They leave and Johnny hugs me tightly.

"I'm sorry Ponyboy, but I didn't want him to hurt you," Johnny says. I hug him back and he begins crying but I stay silent, I'll stay strong, for him.

--

"I'm really going to miss you," Johnny whispers turning to me. It was morning and last night, let's just say we gave each other a "going away present." I was holding onto him tightly and I kissed him again.

"I'm going to miss you too," I say.

"Ponyboy, if I'm gone for too long, go ahead and move-"

"No."

"Ponyboy-"

"You can move on if you want, I hope you don't, but you can. You're my first love, and I plan for you to be my only love," Johnny smiles and kisses me again.

I don't understand, why are people so disgusted with me and Johnny? We're not hurting anyone, we're just in love, no one should care except for us. I'm not ashamed of myself, there's no reason for me to be, I love Johnny, I like boys, and nothing is going to change that.

.....

That was nearly a year ago, Soda hasn't seen his love, and I haven't seen mine. The Socs still aren't over it, they tell me that they never want to see Johnny's face around here again. We send letters, but it's not enough, I can't kiss him, I can't see him, I can't hear him, I can't hold him, nothing.

Sleep finally turned into an escape, I'm living in a nightmare so I stopped doing track. So I go to school, do my homework then sleep as much as I can. No books, no movies, I can't even look a sunset without crying.

"I'm going to bed," I say walking away.

"Ponyboy-!" Darry yells.

"Let him go!" Soda yells back. I close the door and go to bed, Soda and Darry argue a lot more these days. At first I thought it was just Soda defending me but then I realized that Johnny, Two-Bit and Steve are gone. Soda misses Steve just as much as I miss Johnny, but he's not sad about it, he's angry.

That joyful, happy Soda that once lived here went missing, instead we have the angry Soda that lashes out on Darry any chance he gets. He turns 18 next week and I have a feeling he's gonna take off and find Steve.

"You took away the one thing that made him happy!" Soda yells.

"He was happy before he was dating Johnny!" 

"Have you lost your fucking mind?!" 

"Well if you know so much why don't you take him and raise him yourself?!"

"Maybe I should! Because I actually care about him!" 

I hear a front door slam and Darry's bedroom door slam, that's the third time this week door slamming ended an argument. I feel as the next slamming won't be a door but a head hitting a wall.

I turn on my side and pull down my sleeve, I don't each as much as I used to so I'm a lot colder these days and wear more sweatshirts and longsleeves. I look at my wrist and my eyes fill up.

HERE IT IS - SKIP TO NEXT BOLD PART IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT

A couple weeks ago, Soda and Darry weren't home so I got a knife from the kitchen and walked into the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror for nearly an hour debating on what to do with it. I can't kill myself, I'll drag everyone else down with me, Johnny and Soda, then Steve and Dallas, and more than likely Two-Bit and Darry. So I'll just do something not as permanent.

I held the knife to my wrist and slowly cut three lines, I flinched and yelled for the first one, but it didn't hurt as much compared to how I felt when Johnny left. It somehow made me feel better, I don't how, but it did.

So now, everytime those three cuts heal, I cut again, I'd rather have three dark scars then endless faint ones. Soda and Johnny would be worried, but Soda's never home, he's always at work because Steve isn't there anymore, and when he is home, he's arguing with Darry. And Johnny isn't even here anymore, he wouldn't be able to see them.

OKAY YOU READ NOW

I just want all this to be over, no more arguing, no more cuts, no more depression, I want all of it to be over. I live for Johnny, and I'll wait forever him, I refuse to move on.

A/N: I do not at all think that cutting or suicide is the right answer, it's just the chapter to this. If you need someone to talk to, talk to me. Numerous people in my life have felt this way, destroyed or broken etc. No one is disposable, come talk to me. I'm always here.