Hide and Seek (not continuing)

Chapter 8 - Stuck

*edited*

[Camille.]

I felt absolutely exhausted. Ordinary people would call me crazy, but for me, a lot of energy was required if I wanted to do anything social. Whether it was talking to people or just being amongst them, it wasn’t easy at all. But hey, I was getting there. I’ve been hanging around with Harry today and I didn’t have a shutdown or anything. Although I did feel I hadn’t much energy left and I still had to go grocery shopping. Oh well, if I did it fast without having to speak to anyone, I guess I’ll be fine. 

- - - - - - - -

Sometimes I really regretted living in the city centre. I was walking through the busy streets with my shopping bags in my hands. I felt like I was being suffocated, why did I have to be outside on the hour that everybody came back from work or school? I was making my way through the people, avoiding any contact but as there were a lot of people around, I accidentally bumped into a few persons. I always mumbled a quiet sorry before walking away as fast as I could, aware of the touch. As I finally reached my building, I let out a sigh. I didn’t know how much longer I could’ve handled it.

I opened the door and stepped towards the elevator. The light above the doors said the elevator was at the seventh floor so I had to wait for it to come down. In the meantime, I heard the entrance door open again and a pastel purple-haired girl stepped inside. I’ve never seen her before. Perhaps because you never go outside? my subconscious added. Ugh, I am well aware of that, thank you.

“Hello” I heard a kind voice say and I looked to my left to meet a pair of blue eyes. I wanted to say something back, but realized I couldn’t anymore. That meant I was going into shutdown. Oh no. I managed to give her a smile and hoped she had enough with that. I prayed that she wouldn’t say anything more because I woulnd’t be able to reply. That was always the most frustrating about a shutdown; wanting to answer but not being able to. My mind was always shouting “SAY SOMETHING.” but no word ever came out of my mouth. And if that frustration got worse, or any other negative emotion entered my mind, then… Alarm bells would be ringing, telling me to watch out. What I normally did when that happened, was run away from whatever situation I was in at that moment. I always needed an escape to calm myself down. Because if I didn’t… I did not want to think about that.

I heard the dull thud of the elevator touching the ground. A second later the door opened and both I and the purple-haired girl got in. She pressed the button for the third floor. So she lived on the same floor as me? The doors closed and the iron box that would take us to the right floor started moving. Suddenly, I heard a muffled sound. Then I realized the elevator had stopped, but not at our floor - not at any floor basically. I think this stupid thing was stuck in the middle of the shaft. This seriously couldn’t be happening now. Was someone playing games with me? Wondering how far they could go with me today? All I wanted was to go to my apartment, to be left alone so I could finally breathe again. But no, now I’m stuck in this tiny cabin with a person I don’t know. Wait… how are we going to get out of here? What if they didn’t notice this stupid thing broke down? What if we’re going to be stuck here for a while? But I wouldn’t be able to handle that, I needed to get out of here. I felt my body tensing. Shit. Not now please... Stay calm, Cami, stay calm.

The girl next to me sighed. “I have no reception here, do you?” she asked me, holding her phone in her hand. Please, please stop asking questions because I can’t answer them. “Or do you know where the emergency button of this thing is?” she continued. I looked over to the range of buttons, trying to figure out which one to press. When I found the right one, I couldn’t move my legs towards the other side of the cabin to push it, neither could I tell the girl which one it was. Luckily for me she followed my gaze and pressed the button. Then she turned towards me, “Are you ok?” she said and put one of her hands on my shoulder. The touch magnified and the shock of it went through my whole body, causing it to tense even more. I quickly jerked away, my back colliding with the wall of the cabin and I slowly let myself fall to the ground. I didn’t even try to get up again, because I knew that’d be impossible at this moment. So I just hugged myself tightly, trying to keep myself together. The girl stared at me with wide eyes. It didn’t take long for the negative thoughts to enter my mind. See, another person who thinks your crazy. Why can’t you be normal? You’ll never be a normal girl anymore. That’s probably why people don’t want you. You’re so weird, no not weird, you’re completely deranged. Sometimes they put people with thoughts like you in an institution. Are you sure you don’t belong there? I realized my breath started getting heavier and faster too. This was not going well. At all. I knew what would be coming if I didn’t get it under control as quickly as possible. As soon as I would start hyperventilating, I would have lost total control over my body and have a full on… NO. I didn’t want that anymore! 

What was happening with me of course didn’t stay unnoticed by the girl. But she didn’t ask any questions, nor did she try to touch me again. Instead, while I was slowly losing myself, I heard a soft voice speak, unable to take in what it was saying. I was so happy there weren’t any loud noises now, it would only make it worse. “It’s ok” the voice said “You’re going to be fine.” I followed the sound of the voice to see the girl sitting on the floor across me, talking to me. “Everything’s going to be alright. I pressed the button, we’ll be out of here soon.” I tried to believe her words, to push those negative thoughts away. “What do you usually do to calm down?” she asked me, as if she knew what was going on with me. Music. I needed the rythm to get my breathing under control. Luckily I wasn’t completely paralysed so I was able to get my phone and earbuds out of my bag. I didn’t even look at the list of songs; I just put it on shuffle. Either one of them would help now. I put my head on my knees and just listened.

I heard violins playing before a deep masculine voice started singing. At the moment I didn’t care about the lyrics, I just tried my best to focus on the rythm. As I did, I felt my breathing become steadier again. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. I repeated the process until the end of the song. I realized I was much calmer now. Now my breathing was fine, I just needed to lift my mood before I was completely ok again. So I played another song. This one was much more upbeat and it didn’t take me long before I recognized the voice that started singing the first verse. One way, or another. I’m gonna find you. Harry. It made me think of today, how I managed to have a conversation with another person without shutting down. I only got one at the end of the day and then nearly got a… but no, I shouldn’t see this as a setback. I was slowly but surely recovering, I just had to believe in it.

Perhaps if I got used to talking to people again, it would be easier eventually. So being friends with Harry could be a good thing. He could help me, I guess. And maybe I could help him see the good in things again. See, win-win situation.

Suddenly I realized again there was another person here. Ok, Cami, here’s your chance to show you are willing improve. I lifted my head from my knees to meet the blue eyes of the girl who was still sitting on the ground with me. “Are you ok now?” she asked with a sympathic smile. I nodded “Thank you.” and returned a small smile. She did help me by staying calm and reasuring me it would be just fine. When I’m in that state, I can only think about all the awful things that are happening. But she saved me from the worst state I could be in, so I owed her. I also felt sorry for not speaking to her earlier, even though I couldn’t do anything about it. So I took the initiative and held out my hand, “I’m Camille”. She looked at my hand and back to me, “Are you sure?” she asked. I didn’t take me long to realize she was asking me for permission to touch me. “Yeah, it’s ok now. Sorry about before.” I answered her. “Don’t be sorry, I understand!” she said “Oh, and I’m Natalie.”

I’m actually really happy that I was stuck in this cabin with Natalie. Not because we were stuck, but because it was her who was with me and I wasn’t alone in here. She handled this situation well, better than anyone else I’ve known. She seemed to know exactly what to do. I had to teach my sister and mother how to deal with it, but it looked like it came just naturally with Natalie. I didn’t know why though, but I was thankful for it.

We just kept sitting there a few minutes in silence before Natalie looked up to me again. Then she said something I had not seen coming. “I’m sorry for your anxiety and panic attacks, Camille.” I was startled. Usually I avoided telling anyone about this, so how did she know? But at the same time, it was kind of obvious what state I was just in. So I just sighed heavily, “Yeah, I’m sorry too”.

[A/N.]

Yup, Camille is dealing with (social) anxiety and panic attacks. Poor girl, I wish I could help her. But I'm sure some other characters in this book will help her out :)

So this was really difficult to write. It's so hard describing what happens when someone has/is getting a panic attack. So if you have any questions, leave a comment and I'll answer!

AND HEY I UPDATED REALLY EARLY :D Doesn't that deserve some votes/comments? ;)

xo K.

PS. Same as always, if you find any mistakes, don't hesitate to let me know :)