The Replacement Boyfriend

Chapter 23

Tace

Amelia's eyes flickered to mine and I tried to hold her gaze but I had already dug my nails in my skin hard enough to cut into it. My breath had caught in my throat and I braced myself for the hyperventilating, the feeling of impending doom and the feeling as if I was going to die even though I knew I wasn't. That's how scary panic attacks were. I could already feel my eyes burn and my hands and feet go sticky with sweat and even the flight tremble that shook my whole body once the panic attack was at its peak. But it wasn't there yet and I hadn't finished my story.

"He raped me more than once that year," I told her and her eyes turned from shocked to cold to angry, all within seconds. "And when I held that blade, I thought about how much he had hurt me. How much it had hurt when he hit me hard enough to bruise me when he hit me hard enough to split my lip and swell my eye. I thought about how much it hurt when he took it away from me – my innocence. I felt dirty and I felt angry and I wanted to feel something else. I wanted to know that something could hurt more than the pain he had caused me. So I cut and I cut until Dane found me. He was my best friend since we were toddlers but it had been the first time I saw him cry."

She looked at me with pity and I wanted to tell her not to look at me that way. I wasn't looking for pity. I wanted her to feel what everyone else was feeling for her at that moment. That fear and anger and confusion.

"He begged me to stop. He even promised not to ask why I did it and promised not to tell anyone if I stopped," I told her. "I did stop when my step father found out my mom was pregnant with his kid. He stopped hurting me after that day because he realized he had to be a better father for his little girl. And he did. He became a better father for her but I took care of her – Amara – like she was all I had because it was because of her that he stopped hurting me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "You never reported him?"

I shook my head. "I couldn't do that to my mother or to Amara. I didn't want her to know the guy he had been."

"Where did you cut yourself?" she asked me softly and I wondered whether it was a good idea to show her. Maybe the scars would be enough to scare her so she wouldn't hurt herself, if my words hadn't gotten through to her.

I held my breath even though I couldn't breathe anyway and slowly lifted up my t-shirt, exposing the skin around my waist and the long white scars that had remained even after the wounds had healed.

I heard her gasp and she covered her mouth as I dropped my t-shirt down again. "Hurting yourself isn't worth it."

"Did it make you feel better?" she asked me and I wanted to be honest with her. I wanted to say yes but I didn't want her to hurt herself to feel better when there were other ways.

"Listen to me," I told her, taking her hands after I rubbed the sweat onto my jeans again. "The way you're blaming yourself right now for the pain that your sister is in, it's the exact feeling Erin is going to feel when she wakes up and sees those wounds on your body. She's going to blame herself for you hurting yourself. If you don't want her to feel the way you're feeling right now then stop doing this to yourself."

She stared at me and for a minute, I thought that I hadn't gotten through to her even with the story of my past and everything but then she slowly started nodding and I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief even through the panic attack which I wasn't being able to control. I needed to get out of the room.

"Can I call Jax in now?" I asked her. "Will you talk to him?"

She nodded slowly, tears streaming down her cheeks and I forced a smile that probably looked like a grimace before getting off the bed. But before I could even leave the room, Jax burst in and rushed to Amelia, throwing her arms around her, Cassidy in tow. I didn't even have time to listen to them cry into each other's arms or Cassidy apologize to Amelia for not talking to her.

I quickly stumbled out of the room and into the guest room. I shut the door as fast as I could and sank to my knees because my legs didn't have the strength to carry me till the bed. I sucked in air as I started hyperventilating. I dug my nails into my skin again and tried to control my breathing but I couldn't. Tears were already streaming down my cheeks despite my efforts to blink them away and I repeatedly told myself that I was okay in my head even though I felt as if I was going to have a heart attack and die with the way my chest was hurting.

I reached for my phone in my pocket and speed dialed Zayne. I listened to it ring until it went to voice mail and tried again only to get the same result. Pulling at my hair, I reached for my duffle. Zayne had been right, I did need those pills. Maybe he knew me better than I thought he did. I grabbed the duffle and yanked it toward me before digging into it until I found the yellow bottle of pills. I popped it open and tilted it until a small round pill fell onto my palm. I threw it into my mouth and swallowed it hard, with as much effort as I could muster since I had no water to wash it down.

I leaned my back against the side of the bed and placed my hands on the floor beside me, feeling the coolness of it as I tried to breathe normally. I still had to wait for the medicine to kick in. I felt extremely dizzy and I prayed the pills would work their magic before I threw up.

It took a while but my mind and body started relaxing as the pill worked on my anxiety. The pill I had taken was more of a sleeping pill than an anxiety medication since I had tried a number of pills and none of them had worked. But then Dane had come along as stopped me from taking them because they had knocked me out due to their high dosage and my slightly underweight body size.

My vision started to blur as I tried to keep myself awake. I had just wanted it to control my anxiety, not knock me out because I knew Jax and Cassidy would come look for me once they were done with Amelia. Only, I had expected them to take longer and appear when I had already passed out. I was wrong.

The door to the guest room flew open as Jax appeared in the doorway. He looked around until his eyes dropped to the floor and settled on me.

"Tace!" his voice was filled with fear.

He dropped to his knees beside me and he cupped my cheeks, his hands getting sticky with my sweat.

"What the hell? What's wrong?" he demanded but I didn't have to the strength to open my mouth. I was going to pass out any second.

"Jax! Tace!" Cassidy appeared in the doorway. "What the fuck! What's wrong with her?!"

"Get me a wet towel," Jax ordered and she rushed to comply. "Tace, stay with me. What's wrong?"

Then he noticed the opened bottle of pills on the floor beside me. He picked it up and confusion crossed his face before he read that they were prescribed to me.

"Are those pills?" Cassidy asked, reappearing with a wet hand towel. She handed it to Jax and he started wiping the sweat off my face. If I hadn't been completely out of it, I would have been embarrassed.

"Are those anxiety pills?" he asked me and I tried to nod.

"She does look calm," Cassidy pointed out. "But not in a good way."

"Cass, shut up," Jax said, annoyed and she watched as he picked me up and placed me on the bed carefully.

"Are they putting her to sleep?" Cassidy asked and suddenly her voice seemed further away than it actually was. "Are those sleeping pills?"

"I don't know but-" I heard my phone start to ring because it was louder than their voices and after that – nothing.