Be found

You Will Find Yourself in College

Disclaimer: I do not own DEH however I do own this story

It didn't take long now that Evan was in college for that feeling of being out of place, of unbelonging, that slight uncomfortable feeling that permeated every encounter, to seep back into his life. He had been setting up his dorm for a grand total of two hours when he realised that this was where he lived now. Alone. All alone.

Evan had specifically requested a single because of his anxiety. He liked people just fine, he just knew that sleeping in the same room as a total stranger would not be good for him. Even so, he looked around and realised he had no one here.

Sure, the blues and yellows and greens of the things he had brought with him stayed, those colours that signalled that Connor was there, always with him, but he wasn't there. With him. Instead, having helped Heidi drop him off, and with a bittersweet goodbye kiss, he was on his way to Binghamton. He was so far away. Not as far away as Evan's mom would now be, but further away than Evan would like. Just this morning he had woken up in a significantly duller room curled up against his boyfriend, calmer than he thought he would be on the day he moved to college. Evan wondered how long it would be before he was able to do that again.

He stopped and calmed his racing heart. Connor had promised to call tonight, to talk to him through the night if need be. Need would probably be, because even now, with the sun still out, Evan could feel the oddness of a new place seeping into his bones, and the strange sounds and smells baiting his anxiety.

His mom was driving back home today. It was a long while away, their town, nearly five and a half hours away, and knowing that his mom couldn't always be present when he needed her seemed like a much smaller problem when he hadn't moved out.

He sat down on the unmade bed he and Connor had struggled to loft, neither of them ever really having had their dads around to teach them things like that, and he did one of the breathing exercises his therapist has taught him.

Things were going to get better once classes started. Things could only get better from there.

The first day of classes hadn't got any better. Evan had done the preliminary reading, had read almost the entire textbook in preparation, but nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of sitting among a hundred or so students, all trying and failing to be quiet. Evan felt like he was drowning in ambient noise, the small coughs, scratches, tapping, breathing, everything drowned out the professor, and he couldn't get out of his head enough to take decent notes.

His phone dinged with a notification, and he could feel all eyes on him, staring, judging. Everyone hated him. He looked down to see he had received a text from Connor.

Connor, 11:45am: Take deep breaths. It's not as bad as you think. I love you, you're gonna do great.

Of course. Connor could feel his heart rate accelerating by the minute. And Evan wished he could say that the text had helped, but with his ignorance of turning his phone on silent for class, all Evan could feel was the shame of interrupting the lecture. Evan did as the text said and focused on his breathing.

In for seven, hold for six, out for seven. In for seven, hold for six, out for seven. In for seven, hold for six, out for seven. In for-

The kid next to him nudged his arm. "Look, I get you're overwhelmed, but you're distracting me. Could you do that quieter?" He whispered.

And all calm Evan had was gone. He couldn't stay here. He was already the freak who breathes too loud, who can't turn his phone on silent, who can't keep his chill for an hour long lecture. Before he knew it, he was scrambling to put his laptop in his bag and was tucking odds and ends into pockets and making his way quickly down the aisle. He had to get outside, where he could breathe.