Be found

Another wrong turn

It was a surprise. Connor hoped it would be a good surprise and not a panic attack inducing surprise, but he had completed his homework for the week, all his readings, the research for his imminent papers, everything done, all so he could surprise his boyfriend by showing up on the weekend of their one year anniversary. He had even managed to get out of the dorm long enough to get Evan a beautiful bonsai tree as a present.

But still, he hesitated as he stood; poised to knock; outside the door of Evan's single. He didn't know what was holding him back. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn't physically seen his boyfriend in over a month, or the fear that Evan might be bored with him after all that time apart, or the thought of scaring Evan by showing up without warning. But Connor took a few deep breaths and knocked softly on the door.

He heard soft footsteps and murmuring getting closer to the door, and he smiled, recognising Evan's voice. The door swung open, and there was Evan in all of his sun kissed, blonde glory. And Evan gasped. And Connor noted the deep dark circles under Evan's eyes. And despite Evan's skin having stayed tan, there was a sort of translucent quality to it now that did not complement his tired demeanour. And Connor noted that his clothes were hanging off him in a different way, just slightly too big for him all of a sudden. The changes wouldn't have been noticeable to someone who didn't know Evan the way he did, but it was the first thing Connor saw.

"Connor." Evan's face split into a smile, and his arms were around him in a moment, Evan's slightly chapped lips on his. Connor melted under the kiss. This was what he had been missing. The kisses, and of course the rest of his beautiful boyfriend.

Connor brought his free hand up to cup Evan's face, noting that there was slightly less to his face than there had been before, more bone structure, a little less in the way of that bone structure. And then Evan pulled back, breathless and wide eyed, and, god, his eyes were bloodshot. Connor swiped his thumb over Evan's cheek, and frowned, concerned.

"Happy anniversary." He whispered, not sure of why he was being so quiet.

Evan smiled wider. "Oh my god, it is, isn't it? Happy anniversary! Oh, I-" he looked down at the bonsai Connor was carrying, and smiled, before looking back up at Connors face. "I didn't get you anything! I'm sorry, I- I forgot, and-"

"Evan, you didn't need to get me anything no need to apologise. Can I come inside?"

Evan blushed and made to speak, and then reconsidered before saying "Sure." And then ducking his head. "It's a bit of a mess though." He continued.

Connor laughed, because this was Evan Hansen, a neat freak, and whatever he considered mess would probably seem spotless to him. "Just let me inside, Ev."

Evan stepped back into his dorm enough to let Connor in, and Connor found he was wrong. The dorm was a mess. There were clothes and dishes everywhere, scraps of spare paper on every surface, and the curtains looked like they hadn't been opened in weeks. He couldn't help his breath catching. It wasn't his imagination, Evan wasn't doing well.

Sure, he might be doing well academically, but Connor knew that if the outside of Evan's space looked like this, the inside of his head couldn't look much better. The door closed behind him and Evan was leaning on it, looking embarrassed.

"Evan, are you doing okay?" He asked, tilting his head to the side, and he watched the tears build, and spill, and watched Evan's breathing run ragged, and before he knew it, the bonsai he carried in was on the table, and he had his arms wrapped around Evan.

"Shh, shhh, Evan it's okay, just tell me what you need." He told him, pressing his lips into Evan's hair.

"I-I, I don't know. I don't know what I need anymore, I can't think, I don't have any more room in my head, Connor. All I want to do is sleep to try and process it all. And I can't, and I hate it, and- and- and-"