The Renegade Diaries

Chapter 5: All Along

I was alone in my house, having only the journals beside my bed, which I sat in. I opened the book back up, finding the place I last left off on before Veronica and I went into our pointless fight.

I think I might be falling for you.

I stopped at those words and stared at them for a while. I gently stroked the blue letters, unable to believe that Hayley had feelings for me before we dated. She was falling for me.

I'm not fully sure. You're my best friend, Taylor. I don't want to make anything awkward for any of us. Especially you. But hey... You'll never see this. You won't ever know. Not until I have the guts to tell you.

I turned the page, unable to really read the next entry. I was still stuck on the fact that seventeen-year-old Hayley had a crush on me. I never did have feelings towards her during high school. I only saw her as a friend, but I never thought that I would have fell in love with her eight years later. Hayley had changed a lot in those eight years, like everyone else would have. Hell, I've changed.

     I put the book down, marking my place again with a folded page. I looked at the journal, finding myself close to the end of this one, her year of being seventeen. Next up was a green one that reminded me of her hazel eyes. There was nothing special about this notebook. It was just a solid green with no pattern or texture. Just green. An icy, anxious pang hit me in my stomach, giving me a feeling that I would find more specific answers about Hayley and why she was the way she was. Why Hayley was a renegade and what made her into one. Did someone teach her these ways or was it all in her blood? The only way I would find out is if I read. And so, I did. I read until my eyes fell close, burdened by sleep.

      And in that sleep, I dreamt of Hayley. I dreamt of her smile, her laugh, her love for parties. Just her. Not Hayley, the renegade. I never saw her that way, though I did call her 'rebel'. To me, Hayley was a special individual. She was a special individual that was mistreated and left, lost. And when she thought she could trust again, she turned away because of past experiences. So she became lost in her own pain... which is what drove her to suicide. Then again, that's what drives everyone to suicide, the most. Betrayal.